Let's Celebrate Friday With a Little DEAR APRON!

DEAR APRON:

I'm a 38-year-old man with no children. For some reason I tend to attract the attention of children wherever I go. Even though I make no attempt to speak to them, they often approach me. I know when children talk to strangers it makes their parents uncomfortable, but I don't want to be rude to the kids.

I was recently eating at an outdoor restaurant when a friendly little girl walked up, sat herself down at my table, and began asking me questions. I was terse but polite. She was soon joined by several other kids, all of whom seated themselves at my table.

Their parents, who had obviously not been paying attention, shouted at them to "get away from that man!" It created an embarrassing scene with the parents telling me I had no business talking to their kids. The other diners looked at me as though I was some kind of pervert.

I don't want to be rude to children, but what can I do to prevent things like this from happening again?

-- CRYING "UNCLE" IN TEXAS

Dear Uncle,

What a problem you have! Why, you're like a little Pied Piper of Hamlin, aren't you? Those cute little children, with their knobby knees and cherubic smiles just seem to follow you everywhere, don't they?

My, that is a problem, isn't it?

Here's what I suggest: cut off your hands and genitals. I know it may sound extreme, but, hear me out on this: cute, young children dining with their parents at outdoor restaurants may indeed have a tendency to wander around, especially because their asshole parents are too busy texting their lovers on their iPhones while they sit in resolute silence at the table, so I get that. They may even approach someone like you, but I'd be willing to bet that your average five-year-old wouldn't be so super-duper keen on approaching a you with no hands. Instead of prostheses, get a pair of hooks or, better yet, just leave the stumps visible by rolling up your shirtsleeves so those little munchkins can get a peek before they run back screaming bloody murder to Mommy & Daddykins.

Of course, some kids might not be sufficiently grossed out by your hooks or stumps and they may approach you anyway, asking you to draw funny faces on your stumps with Sharpies. That's okay, enjoy the moment, and, when the parents storm over to you and demand that you cease attempting to molest their children, proudly stand up and remove your pants, showing your eunuch status.

You'll be home-free to enjoy the company of little children all you want!

DEAR APRON:

My 35-year-old daughter, "Rhonda," is intelligent and creative, but her house is a disaster. There are clothes, books, magazines, etc. piled on every surface. Dishes are stacked on her bed; socks and paper litter the floor.

How can she feel good living like this? The place is becoming a health hazard. Rhonda is caring and attractive, but she rarely dates. Could her mess be a symptom of something more serious?

Apron, I'm worried about my daughter's chances for future happiness, but I have no idea how to help her. Or should I?

-- WORRIED MOM IN OREGON

Dear Worried Mom,

You're worried about her "chances for future happiness?" Wait a minute-- wasn't this a letter about some chick's messy room, like, two sentences ago? Face it-- Rhonda's a dyke. She gives biker girls mustache rides on that filthy bed of hers, and the dirty dishes only add to the excitement.

DEAR APRON:

My wife and I have been involved in an ongoing debate about how to place the pillows on our king-size bed. Should the opening of the pillowcase face the outside of the bed or the inside?

I place my pillows with the opening facing the middle of the bed so the pillow won't show, while my wife does it the other way, and the edge of the pillow can be seen through the opening. Can you please settle this?

-- PILLOW TALK IN ABILENE

Dear Pillow Talk:

You're kidding, right?

This is your problem?

Here's my suggestion re: pillow placement: tonight, place the pillow over your wife's face, for approximately eight minutes. Remember, once she starts struggling, apply firm pressure. Then, once the struggling stops, repeatedly bash yourself about your head with the alarm-clock until you black out. Do us all a solid.