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"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

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Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Here are some random thoughts/questions/observations to get you through your daily/nightly muckety-muck.

* What is it about being a Certified Public Accountant that somehow makes you qualified to observe a state lottery drawing on television? Do CPAs get time-tested on identifying ping-pong balls with black numbers on them?

* Why is it that white, dour, ridiculous-looking politicians in their mid-fifties can't seem to keep their dicks in their pants? I mean, seriously-- what the fuck? There's Spitzer, the South Carolina governor-- that faggot in the airport bathroom... Do black politicians boink people who aren't their wives? Doesn't seem like it. Do women politicians get mustache rides from mystery men in anonymous hotel rooms? Hard to imagine, isn't it? Well, maybe "unpleasant" is a better word.

* Why are people all-of-a-sudden totally obsessive about holding the door open for other patrons at the WaWa, but don't seem to give a shit about it at any other commercial establishment? Seriously-- this is a bizarre kind of chivalry I haven't observed anywhere else-- it's like WaWa is the Court of King Arthur. I have no idea what that's about-- but it happens to me, too. Then again, I hold the door open for people everywhere and, invariably, I get stuck there while Indian families consisting of a dozen or more members leisurely troll on through while my wife stands, grinning at me.

* Why does it always rain when I decide to leave the car windows open? On a related topic: God, why do you love kicking me in the schnutz?

* What the fuck happened to WHYY Channel 12? It was a victim of the D-TV Revolution. Che Guevera of the airwaves killed it. It is dead. No more "Antiques Roadshow" on Monday nights. We just don't get it anymore. I've tried rescanning the motherfucking TV six times now. It's gone. We get Channel 23, which is New Jersey PBS, and so we get to watch "Roadshow" on Tuesday nights but, seriously, one PBS station (from another alien state, no less) is not adequate PBSage for this household. The decrease in PBS stations can only be a bad thing for the already retarded American populous.

* I'm seriously over Paris Hilton. Even naked Paris Hilton gets on my fucking nerves.

* Apparently, people commonly stand in the aisles of Yemeni planes for the entire duration of their flights. Can you imagine that? I mean, it's one thing to do that on a subway or a trolley, but, seriously, on a goddamn plane? How the fuck does the stewardess get her little drink cart full of 8 ounce Frescas down the pike?

* So they're not going to bury Michael Jackson at NeverLand. Apparently they've decided that, since he's basically human, a cemetery would be more appropriate.

* The window unit in this room that came with our house is called "The Power Miser." At least it's not called "The Tight-Fisted, Conk-Faced Jew."

* My wife is attending a book lecture at the local library right now. When are we not going to be the youngest people at public events (folk music concerts, Gilbert & Sullivan operas, early music ensembles, the legitimate theatre, etc...)?

* Why is Al Sharpton on TV pretending he gives a shit about the death of Michael Jackson? I realize Jackson is black and dead, but, to the best of my knowledge, he wasn't shot by a white police officer.

* Why is there a zit on my upper left cheek? I mean, haven't we done this already?

* Why did I get that Master's degree again?

* Why does play three songs you love followed by five songs you like followed by sixty-seven you can't fucking stand?

* It's impossible to take the British seriously. I mean, "fairy cakes?" Come on-- you didn't seriously used to be the supreme imperial world power, did you?

* I don't know what I'm more afraid of-- collapsing all alone and dying with absolutely no one to help me, or collapsing in front of an idiot who breaks my entire ribcage at a completely inept attempt at CPR and I wind up dying anyway, or collapsing in front of a group of idiots who do nothing but watch me flop around like a fish on the floor.

* I love Gilbert & Sullivan, dressing up in fine clothes, and talking about my feelings. I think God forgot to install that Gay Pentium chip.

* I'm only truly happy when I'm eating food with a sodium content of at least 1000mg.

* Do you remember when Facebook didn't suck hogsdick?

* I haven't ever been seriously punched in the face. It's going to happen one day, though. I keep waiting.

* Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to write and publish a second book. I highly doubt I will, and I think I'm a failure because of that. Then I think of all the other assholes out there who've never published one. And I smile. So, I'm a failure, but a smiling one.

* Lots of times, I want to be on the street as an EMT again. I know it doesn't pay, but I don't care. Well, I do care, but I don't want to.

* I think iconography is funny. I can't stop making fun of it. I work in a church and they have these flags hanging from the ceiling and one of them depicts a book with a fish on top of it. I mean-- really? What the fuck does that mean? Do people pray to that? I'd feel dumb. "God bless you, book fish thing." Like, whatever.

* I know this young girl with the worst eczema I've ever seen. Her entire body looks like a lobster and she scratches herself incessantly, sometimes both hands disappear beneath the waistband of her shorts. I can't stop staring at her, I'm sure with thinly veiled disgust, and yet, I can't look at her without honestly wanting to vomit. Especially when she eats the skin flakes. I mean, isn't this what institutions were created for-- so we normal people wouldn't have to see that shit?

* I think the people who read my blog are the saintliest motherfuckers in the entire universe. Seriously-- you and my mom deserve a fucking medal.


  1. Okay, I could have done without that last one about skin flakes. I almost threw up my cereal. You need a warning as this is what I read instead of the morning paper. Barf Alert or something.

    And you know what is worse than the male politicians who can't keep their unimpressive dicks that only get adulterous action because they have power? The women who stand by them. Sadly they are somehow expected to for the party or for their kids. Just once I want to see a wife stand up and say..."ummm how about this dickcheese, go fuck yourself...I'm out"

    oh and I watch PBS like it's my I feel you. That must be hard to lose a channel.

  2. I second the barf alert comment....excuse me while I go and vomit now! That was truly foul.

  3. great list. hahaha. the MJ was funny. i like attending 'old' events too. im the youngest in a lot of things. i hang with the 30s crowd. but i know you're creeping there!

  4. I have the same problems with Pandora, being the youngest person at various public events, and with Facebook sucking nowadays. Go, us--whee.

    Regarding your love of fine clothes, if you are ever in the Bay Area, I have a consignment shop to recommend: Afterwards, in Menlo Park. They actually have a substantial men's section, and the stock is quite nice. They may even have a Gay Pentium chip somewhere--who knows?

  5. Hey hey hey!!! Picking on Pandora is fighting words, Mister!

    I am the captain of the Pinafore and a right good captain too!!!!!


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