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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Poor Black Men

Pennsylvania's tawdry little laundry usually doesn't get aired in the national breeze, but today, thanks to local headcase Bonnie Sweeten, we're on the Today Show and shit.

Thanks, dear.

If you don't recognize her name, you will. She fabricated some cockamamie story (by the way, let's bring back the word "cockamamie." We can do it.) about being involved in a minor traffic accident and then being abducted with her 9-year-old daughter by two black men and stuffed in the trunk of a 1990s Cadillac. She made a "frantic-sounding" call to 911 from the trunk of the car reporting the abduction. An Amber Alert was issued.

But, strangely enough, when police found her SUV, there was absolutely no body damage to it. Hmpf. And airport security cameras at Philly International showed Sweeten and her daughter going through metal detectors before boarding a plane to Florida, mysteriously unaccompanied by two African-American gentlemen.

Bitchcakes was arrested yesterday at a Disney resort.

I know it's kind of Monday-morning quarterbacking to say that I knew this was bullshit when I first heard the initial reports on the news early yesterday morning, but I knew this was bullshit when I first heard the initial reports on the news early yesterday morning. None of it made any sense at all. Listen: if you ram some Philly homies' Caddy and start mouthing off, they're not going to waste time tying you and your daughter up and stuffing you in their trunk-- they're just going to shoot you in the fucking face. Come on. This is Philadelphia, not Sicily. People only get stuffed into the trunks of Cadillacs in mob movies.

The sad thing is, this piece of Bucks County white trash had to go and blame the brothas in her ficticious tale. It's always the brothas, you know? Can't you deranged, delusional people pick on some other minority group for a change?

"Oh my God! Police? Yes-- help! I was just abducted by three Serbian nationals wearing ski parkas and New Balance sneakers!"

Now that's more like it. Blame the Serbs. No, no-- blame the Libyans. After all-- those motherfuckers mowed down Doc Brown. Who knows what they'd do to you?

Do you remember the Runaway Bride from a couple years back? The chick who looked like a deer caught in a pair of Halogens? In 2005, Jennifer Carol Wilbanks got cold tootsies and disappeared, sparking a nationwide manhunt and speculation that her fiancee had killed her. Even though Wilbanks was nuttier than a chippendale dancer convention, she at least had the class and the creativity to claim that she had been kidnapped (and sexually assaulted, mind you) by a Hispanic male and a white woman. Now that's racial equality and harmony!

But this case is pretty much an abberation. Most people who feign abductions and criminal attacks against their personage make the ubiquitous and frankly lazy claim that "a black guy did it." And who'd really question that? Of course a black guy did it. Who makes up the overwhelming percentage of the prison population? It's a shame, really, because black guys have enough problems. I mean, sadly, plenty of black guys commit actual crimes. They certainly don't need the added burden of being accused of committing imaginary crimes, too. I mean, remember Tom Robinson from "To Kill a Mockingbird?" All he was trying to do was earn a nickel for bustin' up this here chiffarobe, and look what happened to him.

Thanks, Mayella Violet Ewell.

I remember a case in 1990. Prosecutor Sam Asbell put in an emergency call stating that two African-American males tried to ambush and assassinate him. When police arrived, they found his car riddled with bullet holes. It was soon discovered that Asbell fabricated the entire incident, shooting up the car himself. He's now a practicing attorney, which should make everyone feel good. And he'll probably be suing me soon.

But I'll win. I'll just say that I didn't actually write this post.

Some black guy did it.


  1. 'gold tootsies'? Is this a regional euphemism? Like the region of just your house?

  2. Oh, no. You don't want to open that can o' worms re: euphemisms of our house!

  3. I'm sure that they are many and hilarious. My husband is constantly making up slang and tyring to convince me that it is widely used. Sadly I fall for it more often than I don't.

  4. It is rather sad that whenever I hear "Libyans" I think "Oh my god... they found me. I don't know how, but they found me. Run for it, Marty!" even before your Doc Brown comment. I really should make a point to learn about Libya. Here's what I learned just now from Wikipedia: their flag is a green field. Nothing else, just green. I can relate, coming from a state with nothing on the license plates but green.


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