An Open Letter to Dick Cheney

(With apologies to Liz, who thinks Republicans are the hot ones.)

Dear Former Vice-President Cheney,

Please shut the fuck up.

Loser.

I don't know if anybody's told you yet or not, but your party lost. Not only did they lose, they lost big time. The party that flourishes in times of paranoia and fear, the party that works consistently to marginalize, restrict, and oppose minorities, creativity, freedom of independent thought, social rights and equality lost-- and it to a black man!

So, here's my question: why aren't you shutting the fuck up?

I hear you're giving a speech today about terrorism and shit-- one of the Republican Party's favorite topic of conversation, sandwiched somewhere in between lots of rights for gun owners and no rights for homosexuals. My question is: does anybody care? Does anybody want to take time out of their morning or afternoon or whenever the hell you're speaking to watch you try to scare us with fears of being overtaken by a bunch of shrieking brown people?

No.

Chens, seriously-- the only thing that scares people is your frightening, grimacing scowl that you wear like it's perpetual Halloween. You make grown-ups cry with that shit. Put it away, please.

And shut the fuck up.

Most politicians who fuck up royally and fail to garner even 20% popularity ratings from the American public crawl under a rock somewhere in middle America and write a book about how nobody understands them that nobody reads. Why don't you go do that? And, while you're at it, you can shut the fuck up, too. Unless you're on your book tour that nobody cares about.

Dickydoos, you're very fond of saying things that aren't true, and we Americans have enough people slinging horseshit in our faces-- we kind of don't need it from you, too. You love getting your shiny asshead on television to tell people that America didn't torture anybody under your watch. That's an unbelievable lie, so please be so good as to shut the fuck up. You also love telling everybody that the policies of the Bush administration were (I love using the past-tense when mentioning that unfortunate period in our history) single-handedly responsible for the fact that there were no major terrorist incidents on American soil after 9/11.

Doodledick, have you ever heard of the fallacy of false causation?

No?

Well, look it up, and then please shut the fuck up about that, too.

When my mother sees you on "Meet the Press" or something, she shudders. Oftentimes, she'll give the television screen the finger and refer to you as "a Nazi." Now, I'm pretty sure you're not a Nazi, but I know how my mother feels. You are definitely an asshole, and, like assholes, when you open up, it stinks.

Please stop making my mother shudder and stop stinking up the place with your malodorous perversions, lies, and mouthy-farts.

So go write your book, go clean your gun, and then, after your snack and your brandy night-cap, please switch off the light, turn down the A/C, set the alarm for tomorrow, and shut the fuck up.

Sincerely,
Mr. Apron