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Saturday, May 9, 2009


It's almost my birthday.

May 12th. Buy me things.

I'll be 29 years old. I wonder if 20 Something Bloggers will take back my membership card a year from Tuesday. I won't give it up without a fight.

I don't know quite how I feel about my birthday these days. It's funny. See, on the one hand, I'm an attention whore. I am coming to terms with this. I mean, if you examine the things I like to do in my life (principally-- act and blog) my attention whoredom is pretty obvious. I'm only now just coming to terms with it, and I thank you for your assistance-- although that seems kind of ass-backwards, but that's okay. I don't thank you guys nearly enough.

So, being a self-proclaimed attention-whore, you'd think that I would eat my birthday up with a red plastic spoon and wash it down with some sugary cake. But the attention-whore in me is in competition with the influence of 28 years of my father poo-poohing his own birthday.

Dad: "Why do I give a fuck about my birthday?"

Me: "Um, because it's nice?"

Dad: "Nice? Please. Fuck that!"

When my father was growing up in Israel, they didn't used to have birthdays. They imported them from America back in the mid-seventies, after he'd come and gone. He doesn't understand his birthday-- the point, the purpose. He doesn't like being fawned over and, if we ever bought him a tie, he'd strangle us with it. A "World's Best Dad" coffee mug? He'd break it over our heads. He thinks all that shit is gay, and it is. The funny thing is, he understands the concept of the birthday perfectly well when it's my birthday, or my mother's birthday, or my sisters'. He just doesn't get his. And it's not just him, either. His sister doesn't even know her's, so they picked a day in early April-- you know, for the hell of it.

Dad: "I don't want a fuckin' birthday. Do you tell me that you love me every time we talk?"

Me: "Um, yes."

Dad: "Good. Then every day is my fuckin' birthday."

So there are these two parts of me working against each other. Part of me wants loving cards and pressies and, yes, attention-- and part of me kind of is sort of non-committally rather ambivalent. Well, it wants to be.

29 is going to be an interesting year. It's the first year where I'm starting to really notice changes in my body. As I look in the mirror, a cluster of ten or so white hairs is clearly visible near the front of my hairline. Mrs. Apron used to pull them for me, four or five years ago, in those heady days of youth when there were only two or three-- when we thought we could beat them. I've since asked her to stop. No matter how early you wake up, you can't beat the clock.

I was standing in the airplane-sized bathroom on our first floor a couple days ago and, in the tragic lighting situation I noticed horizontal lines going across my forehead. What does Joan Rivers call those things? Wrinkles? Yeah. I guess they're wrinkles.

I'm very fortunate, I realize, to have gone through almost the entirety of my twenties without my physical appearance changing very much. I was 134 pounds and 6'0" when I graduated high school, and I'm 136 pounds and 6'0" now. Thick head of brown hair then, thick head of (98%) brown hair now. Skin basically smooth. Penis goes up and down as specified in manual. Time has not ravaged me yet, but I do feel like it's picking my pocket.

Since it's my birthday soon, that means I get wishes, right? I guess my father gets wishes every day of his life. I hope he uses those abundant opportunities wisely. I know the big wish, the sacred wish, the one that just absolutely has to come true has to be uttered in silence before the blazing birthday cake, or else it won't come true. Don't worry, I know the rules.

Here, though, are my other birthday wishes. Are you listening, Santa Claus & Jesus?

* I want my athlete's foot and toenail fungus both to go away this year. I've tried Lamisil and baby powder and tough-actin' Tinactin and prayer and seances and nothing seems to work, so I think I'm going to try birthday wishing it away. I'll keep you updated.

* I want to go hot, one last time.

* I want to kick this bitch, right in the pussy.

* I want to still be writing this blog a year from now.

* I want to gain some weight. This is a tricky one, see, because Mohandas & Pete, the Birthday Gods, to go overboard with this particular request. So, I'll be specific: seven pounds or fewer please, thanks.

* I want reality television to be uninvented.

* I want Barack Obama to ditch the limo and start riding around in a car that is more befitting the first African-American president.

* I want to learn at least ten chords for the banjo, and I want to learn how to pick.

* I want happiness, health, safety, love and laughter for Mrs. Apron.

* I want more white hairs. Bring 'em on, motherfuckers.

Bring it.


  1. Happy Almost Birthday Mr Apron..
    I saw something a few wks ago about toenail fungus on yahoo news. It said that toenail fungus can be treated with lazer treatment! One shot of the lazer and your toenail will grow out within a year looking just like new. I dunno what you can do about the athletes foot though.. sorry!
    So consider that tid bit my bday present to you! ha ha
    p.s My Dad was a pain in the ass to buy for his birthday ..he said you should know me well enough what to get me. So I bought him Scotch and a bag of chips! ha ha ha!

  2. bring it!!

    yay for tauruses!! *high fives you*

    wow you are skinny! and your dad sounds cool. i would never think that some cultures literally do not know their birthdays!

  3. For your feet, I know it sounds strange, but try using tea tree oil. It killed off someone I know's athlete's foot which was very stubborn and refused to go away.

  4. p.s Macaulay Culkin is going to be 29 this year too.! Just thought I would share.. Trivia tidbits will have to be your readerships gift to you.. bring it on!

  5. Happy early birthday, Apron. Sounds like you're ready to kick ass in your 29th year.

    Oh, and I hear ya about that toenail fungus. That stuff never goes away. :(


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