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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

May 12th - Day of Justice

As you all know, it's my birthday today.

Now, I may be a 20something blogger, ("the bloggers with the biggest mouths") but I don't have my arrogant head so far up my taut, young ass that I don't recognize that there are other things going on out there in the greater, larger sphere today that bear striking import on the workings of our world.

(It is my birthday, though.)

May 12th, 2009 is not only the date in which I turn 29 years old, oh no-- it is a date that rings loud with the peals of justice. Today, accused former Nazi Ivan "John" Demjanjuk arrives in Munich to begin the arduous legal process of charging him with war crimes. Of course, we all know how slowly the wheels of justice move when it comes to prosecuting... well anyone, really-- especially elderly Nazis. Shithead McGee was first identified as a Nazi back in 1977. We all know he's going to keel over and die before any charges are ever formally brough against him, but the fact that he is arriving on German soil today, arriving in a country that once rewarded him for his brutal deeds-- now a country that wants to knock his flaccid dick in the dirt, well, I think that's pretty significant.

And I'm glad such a weighty event is happening on my birthday. Add that to the May 12th list, wikidorks!

Another significant event is going to happen today and it is also an event that would make even the most staunch arbiters of justice quake and quail, it is an event that is momentous in its portent and its power. It's not a Supreme Court decision, but, in the realm of our American culture, it's far more important-- for the only person who talks about Supreme Court decisions is NPR legal correspondent Nina Totenberg. Everybody, though, will be talking about this decision.

Today, ladies and gentlemen, on May 12th, the anniversary of my dubious birth, the decision is going to be made. THE decision. The decision about whether or not to strip Miss California, Carrie Prejean, of her sash. (Prejean, by the way, is no relation to famed death-penalty abolitionist Sister Helen Prejean, which should be obvious to anyone who's seen them both naked.) We all know Carrie Prejean's crime: being photographed while topless. First, she said she was never photographed topless. Then, once one picture came out, she said that's all there were. Then three more came out. She's starting to sound like a politician!

Well, today is the day where all the world will finally know whether or not you can slut it up and lie about it in this country and still walk away with a sash and a crown. Not only is the momentously awesome decision going to be made today, on my birthday, but it is going to be made by a man with a sterling judicial and moral compass, no less an authority on decency and virtue than Mr. Donald Trump, the "owner" of the Miss USA Pageant.

Trump said that he "planned to review the racy pictures of Prejean" and that he will render a decision once he's all cleaned up. Well, I don't know about you, but the fact that I know without a shadow of a doubt that Donald Trump is, possibly right at this very moment, masturbating to pictures of some vapid, homophobic beauty queen on my birthday and will then undoubtedly say "Carrie, you're fired" to her while sitting in his ox-blood leather chair, with crumpled tissues stuck in between the seat cushions-- all on my fucking birthday-- is just pretty goddamn impressive to me.

I mean, wow. Weighty things are happening on my big day!

And a 29-year-old blogger just couldn't ask for more than that.


  1. Feliz Cumpleanos!

  2. Happy birthday, Apron. Looks like the lady gets to keep her crown (

  3. Olga, I am stunned, shocked and sickened. To whom will I now look for moral guidance?

  4. yes yes yes.. happy birthday!!!

  5. happy belated birthday...

    so what happens next year, you won't be a 20s something blogger anymore....


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