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Friday, May 22, 2009

Gunning for the Park

This Memorial Day Weekend, Mrs. Apron and I sticking close to the homestead. According to AAA, many Americans are doing the same however, AAA seems to think that "sticking close to home" means travelling approximately 640 miles away from it.

That, to them, is "close." For me, who hadn't been on a plane until he was 13 years old, and the flight was from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh, long enough to inhale three peanuts and watch 1/17th of "Muriel's Wedding," 640 miles seems pretty fucking far away from home to me.

So, when I say that me & the Mrs. are sticking close to home, I mean that we're going to actually be home. In our house. There may be an adventuresome trip to the fabric store or a cafe lunch somewhere in there, but nothing much more than that.

Oh, and a hike.

Yes, we love going hiking, and, weather permitting, we intend to go on a little hike on Memorial Day Monday. I think it's a better way of honoring deceased war heroes than buying a new stove on sale at Home Depot, although we should probably be doing that too before we burn the balls off another batch of cookies.

When Mrs. Apron and I go on a hike, we generally have a short list of things we typically bring with us.

Snack bag

Trail mix



Back pack

Ice pack


Wait a minute-- what?

Yeah, so, apparently, a new bill was approved by the senate and the house that would permit those entering national parks to carry concealed weapons. So, the next time you're getting ready for that big six-mile trek through the blazed trails of (insert your local National Park's name here) ___________ ________ National Park, don't forget your trusty 9mm when you're packing your Propel Fitness Water and your zip-lock baggies of granola bits. Oh, and don't forget your hollow-point bullets, too.

What the fuck-- are we in a Far Side cartoon? Are the gazelles packing heat now? Do the squirrels in these parks now arm themselves with little Derringers and Saturday Night Specials that we feel the need to wear a sidearm when we take a romantic stroll with our lovies through the woods?

Oh, wait-- I know who we have to protect ourselves from: it's those fucking park rangers. Right? Those corrupt, abusive, minority-hating thugs in their pleated khaki pants and their ten gallon hats. We've got to make sure that Smokey's fuckin' boyz don't violate our civil rights. I mean, why they gotta be hasslin' us, yo? Hey, Roscoe P. Coltrane-- quit gettin' all up on my grill, bitch! Or I'll pop a cap, mothafucka!

And then there's all the aggressive wildlife that spends the sum total of all its time on earth plotting diabolical attacks on unsuspecting human hikers. I mean, I realize that bison are huge, brown, and scary (just like the terrorists!!!) but, do we really have to shoot them if they get too close to us?

Can't we just TASE them?

Happy Memorial Day, you crazy, gunslinging hiking bastards. If you see me & Mrs. Apron in the woods on Monday, please don't shoot us.


  1. You are being silly, Mr. Apron.

    Before this change, a couple on a road trip, carrying concealed could be charged for not throwing their gun away before entering a National Park. Like the BRP. Or Skyline Drive. Or GSMNP. Don't know about PA, but we've had some killings here in NC/TN in the wilderness. Sick fucks know that law abiding girlies won't have weapons in their tents.
    You still have abide by state law. No killing random bears or hikers. But really, hon, wouldn't you feel bad if I got raped on my camping trip because I was forced to leave my .357 at home?

  2. "Are we in a Far Side Cartoon?" classic line. And so true. And so sad.

  3. VBC: You know, I would feel bad. Of course, guns aren't a guarantee of personal safety-- they often lead to more bloodshed than intended due to accidents and/or the weapon being taken away from and used against the owner by the miscreant.

    Perhaps a chastity belt for use during hiking excursions would be a worthier and less lethal investment.

    People in PA don't get murdered in the woods. They just get raped. Especially the guys. Haven't you seen "Deliverance?"

  4. you should get the most opinionated award. i love it.

  5. I kind of wish I was in a Far Side cartoon! Those are the best... but only if I could be God.

  6. ha ha ha liLu hyperlinked you! Funny cartoon btw.
    I suggest you go to the fabric store this weekend and pick up a couple of metres of Kevlar and get Mrs Apron to whip you two up a pair of his and her matching bullet proof vests! Crafty and safe! Have a great weekend!

  7. "Local man was mauled to death today by a bear angered when shot with a 9 mm pistol. Moments before the attack, sources say the man was heard shouting, 'Look Ma, target practice!'"

    Have fun on that hike with the missus. Don't forget your kevlar.


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