An Award-Winning Disclaimer

A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


I'm a lightweight.

It's a good thing I don't drink, because, if I did, I'd probably be dead by now.

Right now, I'm totally loopy on Benadryl. I can barely keep my head up, my brain feels like it's swimming in vegetable oil, and my eyes won't stay open.

But at least I'm not sneezing anymore.

I've never really taken Benadryl before. Like most men, I prefer to suffer through life's more mundane illnesses like sinus ailments. However, today, Mrs. Apron and I journeyed to the pre-school where she taught for 3 years to do our annual read to the kids day. If I was going to capivate a room full of squirmy three-year-olds, my sneezing fit would simply not do.

So I popped two Benadryl, and now I feel retarxicated.

When I was a pre-adolescent, I took two Dimetap, fifteen minutes later, I crumpled to the floor like an autumn leaf, only without the gracefulness or the symbolism.

I did just fine for the kids. I read a book called "Rainbow Fish" about a fish who learns that giving feels good when he shares his gorgeous, luminous scales with the other, plainer fish. I usually read "Plaid Bear & the Rude Rabbit Gang," once a year, but the teacher had read it already, and so I was forced to learn a new book. I tend to perseverate, so this was a bit of a change for me, but I didn't stamp my feet and scream or start fwapping my arms about like a kid with Aspergers would do.

The children were very attentive. They kept scooting up and scooting up closer to listen until they were practically in my lap. I love reading to them, using all my different accents and voices for the different characters.

"A lot of voices live inside me," I told the children.

"Do you take medication for that?" asked the teacher as my wife, sitting criss-cross-apple-sauce, cracked up. (We don't call it "Indian Style" anymore, children of the '80s.)

"No, just Benadryl," I joked, not realizing that, a mere hour later I would be as sloppy as a six-drink minimum.

Overall, it was a big success. It's nice for my wife to come back to her old, Quaker school with its high expectations of kids and its thoughtful structure, as she's used to store-front daycare settings where aides sit around all day, ignoring the children, as their buttflab cascades over the miniscule chairs like Niagara falls. This phenomenon is referred to as "Daycare Butt," which is very closely related to a syndrome I know of from my ambulance days, "Dispatch Butt" and its closely-related cousin, "Medic Paunch."

I have been sent home from work so that I might "sleep it off" before rehearsal tonight, because I am essentially non-functional, though I'm pretty sure this is a relatively cogent blog entry, so maybe I'm not as off as people think I am right now. Then again, I might not be the best judge. Writing blog entries is basically easy business. Focusing for longer than two minutes on an Excel spreadsheet is an entirely different matter.

So, children, the lesson for today:

Don't forget to share your pretty scales with those less fortunate.

But keep your Benadryl to yourself.


  1. Just wait until you have IV Benadryl one day (actually hoping that doesn't have to happen). It is the most retarxicated feeling ever and I dream of it sometimes. Everything is slow motion and under water.

  2. I think I must take a different Benadryl. I have no effects whatsoever, (apart from my sneezing going away), and I only need one. And when I get allergies, I get ALLERGIES.

  3. Wow. You got sent home! Sorry we drugged you so heavily -- you should have started with just one pill.

    Just realized -- our 68 lb dog takes 2 daily for his allergies. Maybe that's why he's so loopy and droopy in the summer.

  4. yea yea .. i want to hear about your birthday! What creative thing did your wife get you? I am so freakin nosey.. and I wont be on antihistimines until August! Boo Hayfever!
    p.s Great blog as usual!

  5. "Is this real life?!!?" -David After the Dentist.


Got something to say? Rock on with your badass apron!