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"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Well, Here's Today's News (In Brief)

Good evening, and welcome to "Here's Today's News (In Brief.)

I'm Mr. Masonic Apron, and you're not.

First, National News:

* More Somali pirates are fucking the day up at sea. It's kind of funny how nobody really seems appropriately bothered by of a bunch of scary, black guys with guns as long as it's out sea. If they were hanging around my neighborhood, SWAT'd be out there kickin' some serious aye-yay-yay, n'yah mean?

I guess they need to start actually killing people for the rest of us to get the point.

(BTW, when they do start doing that, don't comment here to try to make me feel guilty.)

* Over in America, the land of the overfed and overprivileged, people are suddenly pissed about the fact that they have to pay taxes. They say that it's unfair that they should have to pay taxes in light of "unprecedented government spending and sin taxes." It was reported that many of them dressed as Revolutionary War Soldiers and held Boston Tea Party-style protests all across the country. Interesting, isn't it, how these people are refusing to pay their taxes and yet they somehow have $150 to go blow on 18th century reproduction army uniforms and powdered wigs. Why don't you give that money back to the government that provides you with an endless list of essential and mostly taken-for-granted services, you arrogant fuckheads? In Texas, some members in the audience at a rally headed by Governor Rick Perry shouted "Secede!" I've got one better for you, hillbillies: "Deportation!" Not only should they have been deported, preferably to some decrepit third-world country, but they should have deported them there in their little uniforms. Normally I'm not a like it-or-lump it kinda guy, but, guess what, caught me on a bad day, I guess. This is how we roll in America. Don't like it? Fuck off. We all stayed here the last eight years: Shania, Coulter, Rush, Bush, and all.

By the way-- those Revolutionary War uniforms... once you eventually cool your jets and sit down to pay your taxes like good little children (oh, and your late penalties) are you going to claim those costume rentals as tax deductions?

In the Entertainment World...

* Notorious asshole Simon Cowell proved that he is an even bigger notorious asshole than we all thought. His reaction to the visually dubious contestant Susan Boyle, first his scoffing, prejudging, dismissive pre-angelic singing attitude, followed by his repugnant, saccharine, atrociously couched post-angelic singing attitudes should be enough to place him in front of a firing squad manned by socially-awkward, big-bottomed women from Blackpool. His facial expressions spoke volumes:

"Wait a minute-- you mean, people can be ugly, and talented?"

"Hang on-- a person's worth is not purely defined by the composition of their facial flesh?"

"Hold it, hold it: there is value in seeing beyond what people look like?"

(I'm almost done.)

"So, let me get this straight: people can be ugly, and talented?"

"Wait. I still don't get it."

And, in Local News...

* I paid $20.82 for 1 pizza tonight. Here's the real kicker: that was the price after the $3.00 coupon. It's times like these where one has to legitimately ask the question, "What recession?" And I didn't even get the special topping.

And, Finally Tonight...

* After months and months of prodding my wife (yeah, you'd like a hyperlink there, wouldn't you, sickfuck?) Mrs. Apron has finally entered the blogosphere on her own. I am thrilled to announce, promote, herald, finance, inseminate, encrypt SLiPs of the Tongue, Mrs. Apron's new bundle of joy. May it bring her random, dedicated, avatared followers, strange Googles, and happiness and contentment that life with a new car or a new pet never could.

And that's the news from My Masonic Apron, where all the women have blogs, all the men wear bibbies, and all the children have fucking Aspergers.

1 comment:

  1. Ha! Susan Boyle! I just heard of her tonight then looked in my email and my friend from England sent me a link of her! Wildfire! I was even thinking of posting a link here to see if you would write about it but you were already on the case! yay!
    As usual your blog doesnt disappoint!


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