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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

An Open Letter to Sally Field


Honey, who's your agent?

I'd like to know who it is because I'd like to give your agent a call and tell him/her that your career is ruined. I'm guessing that your agent is a woman, a woman who thought that an unending series of osteoperosis commercials would be an effective way to enhance your status and street cred amongst the females of the graying baby boomer generation.

You and your agent need to have a talk about that.

I understand the allure of pharmaceutical commercials, Sally. They're easy, effortless, mindless and they bring in some bucks-- but so do pornos. Now, granted, I doubt that X-rated directors are banging down your door to cast you in the latest "Rita's Risque Rimjob" flick, but my point is that, just like doing a porno can seem like a good idea when you're eighteen and trying to support yourself, doing drug commercials can seem like a good idea when you're 63 and trying to support yourself.

I know you still think you're a legitimate actress, but you're not. When people are flipping through the channels and they see you, really trying on "Brothers and Sisters," do you really think they don't squint, cock their heads, then point at you and excitedly yelp,

"Hey-- It's the Bone Lady!"

Face it, Sally-- thanks to commercial overexposure, thanks to the unrestrained and unchecked dominance of Big Drug on the airwaves, thanks to your fucking agent: that's what you are now. You're the fucking Bone Lady. Gone are the days of Sybil and Norma Rae, and even Mrs. Gump. Now you're just a saccharine, benignly-dressed mamisha, playing with her made-up grandkids, struggling to keep her tibias from turning to dust. You're no actress anymore-- you're just a drug-pusher, no different than baggie-carrying Antyoine on the street corner.

If you don't believe me, believe IMDB. It says that your STARmeter is down 14% this week.

Ouch! That's a nice kick to the osteoarthritis-ridden kneecap! Thanks, Boniva!

IMDB also says that you're gearing up for the juicy role of Mary Todd Lincoln in 2011. It's just a rumor, though. I wonder why it isn't official. Is it because GlaxoSmithKline hasn't signed your permission slip yet? I hope they do, because portraying the world-renowned nut-job Mary Todd could open up a whole other pharma universe for you. Once your blockbuster performance is given, who knows what anti-anxiety, depression and bi-polar medication offers could start pouring in for you? You'll be set for life!

Sally, I know I'm kind of giving you a hard time, but I do it because I care. Kind of. It breaks my heart to see actors and actresses of even passing quality be sucked so forcefully into the schlock-selling world. Frankly, I can't think of another actor off the top of my head who has so entirely sold out to the pharma world. Well, except for Wilford Brimley.

I know these are hard times, and I know that drug money is seductive in its promise to pay the assuredly exorbitant mortgage that Hollywood stars are required by law to have, but please consider what you are doing to your career. I know Glaxo and your agent combined to convince you that this was some kind of noble cause; helping to prevent the easy breakage of lumbar spine, total hip and trochanter bones, but you're not helping anything except GSK to make millions and millions and billions of dollars-- few of which, I'm sure, they're sharing with you. The bones of aging women are still deteriorating, as is your respectability. Your career is as brittle and as tenuous as the elbow joint of a eighty-seven year old woman.

Sally, you've got this one body, and this one life. Take better care of it.


  1. Hi.
    I thought you were talking about Sally Struthers until I got to the Brothers and Sisters comment!
    ha ha ha ha

  2. okay maybe I missed something while reading, but why did you put Wilfred Brimley in the tags? Other than he is a badass.

  3. "Frankly, I can't think of another actor off the top of my head who has so entirely sold out to the pharma world. Well, except for Wilford Brimley."

  4. schooled! i hate big pharma.


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