An Award-Winning Disclaimer

A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Thursday, April 2, 2009

A Right Down Reg'lar Royal Queen

The media is really funny.

So, Michelle Obama met Queen Elizabeth II.

Big fucking deal.

So, Michelle Obama and Queen Elizabeth II touched each other's shoulders and backs.

Jesus Christ! Please excuse me while I go change my pants.

Thousands of angry protestors are clashing with police officers outside the Royal Bank of Scotland. The country is up-in-arms, world leaders are meeting to decide the fate of nations and to debate significant economic and strategic global policy, and what are the papers concerned with? Some alleged social faux pas committed by two well-meaning adult women who, I'm pretty sure, can decide what kind of contact is and isn't appropriate for themselves.

I've never heard such idiocy before in my life. It's like Michelle stuck her finger up the Queen's bumhole and gave it a twist, for Christ's sake. The two women got along, so there's an issue. If they hadn't gotten along, there'd have been an issue. Nobody's ever satisfied. Maybe they should have started tweaking each other's nipples while humming "Scotland the Brave." That would have really given the papers something to talk about.

Not that they need the help-- even when there's no story whatsoever, they make one up.

I think it's amusing how prudish and uptight reporters pretend to be when it suits them. On Fridays, they can all go fart on pub stools and drink till their noses are as red as strawberries, hit on women and bash everyone from Obama to midgets, but in their columns there is this attitude of superiority and arrogance that they can barely struggle to maintain.

"Michelle Obama touched the Queen!"

Well, I'm sure that, if it were really a problem, the Yeomen of the Guard would have wrestled her to the ground and stabbed her through the head with their pikes and spears.

And, not to sound like a third grader, but, the Queen touched Michelle first.

British culture is certainly steeped in tradition and rigidity, but we are all human, after all. I'm pretty sure the Queen shits just like the rest of us, though the paper she uses is probably of better quality and is perhaps emblazoned with the Windsor family crest. I think the Queen probably took to Michelle because Michelle Obama isn't a snob or an elitist, she isn't obsessed with whether or not she's saying and doing the wrong thing-- and I'm sure that the Queen, who has probably felt suffocated by tradition and formality her whole life, finds that refreshing.

We humans make faux pas all the time. We're constantly putting our hands in the wrong places or putting our feet in our mouths or overcorrecting and offending-- we're always insinuating or deflating, insulting or revolting. We need to get the fuck over ourselves and just be.

We need to touch each other more. There's too much distance. Too much aloofness. Too much blogging.

The Queen-to-First Lady contact is a good thing-- it's a message to us all:

It's okay to be human.


  1. Amen to that! everything has to be made into drama!

  2. Our Prime Minister of Canada was out of the room when they wanted to get a "family" G20 portrait. That was the lead story tonight on our news here in Canada. I also read on yahoo news that when they got him two other Prime Ministers got lost. Big Freakin Deal! It must have been a slow news day if thats all North America had to offer!
    Well said Mister!


Got something to say? Rock on with your badass apron!