Jacksoniana

Julien's Auctions has announced that it is auctioning off the single largest collection of Michael Jackson's personal effects.

While this is an admittedly lean financial time for most people, the chance to own any item from the soon-to-be shuttered Neverland ranch is probably going to be irresistable for those with even meager liquid assets.

According to the New York Times, this is a small sampling of what will be on the auction block:

A King's crown (I don't know which King, and Jackson probably doesn't know either.)

A sceptre (presumably the property of the same unknown monarch.)

An ice-cream cart (brand unspecified, used to lure boys.)

A life-sized Llego model of Darth Vader (same purpose.)

A life-sized (?) model of E.T. (Ibid.)

The New York Times article teeters on the edge of decency when it states:

"When Mr. Jackson likes something, he really likes it. Bronze garden statues of young children frolic by the dozen. Disney cartoon characters, along with Peter Pan — whose Neverland island gave the Jackson estate its name — pop up in paintings and figurines, sometimes dressed like their collector. "

As I said, this is just a a small sampling of what was published in the newspaper. Through unnamed sources, I was fortunate enough to obtain the complete list of items that are for sale at the auction. While I am up to my eye-tits in painter's estimates and mortgage payments, those of you with more financial leverage and unorthodox tastes might want to take notes:

10 full body stockings in varying shades of white, off-white, bone, cream, clown, and porcelain.

Taxidermied remains of Bubbles the Chimp, dressed in sequinced jumpsuit.

16 nun's habits, varying sizes. Rosary beads missing.

Seven frozen lemmings on sticks (found inside ice cream cart.)

1 Brazillian waxing kit (condition, poor)

Life-size statue of Joe Jackson (limbs, head and thorax missing.)

Life-size statue of Candice Bergen.

Life-size statue of Italian marathon athlete and gold medalist (Barcelona, 1992) Rosa Mota.

Five hundred and forty-six boxes of "Lucky Charms," all opened.

1 Panzer IV tank, gold-plated with rhinestones appliqued to gun turrets, license plate "GLVD 1."

12 copies of "The Jewish Book of Why."

Improvised flower and candle shrine to late "Family Feud" host Richard Dawson.

Handwritten card (blue crayon) to Barack Obama that begins, "Are you my mother?"

Manual "An Idiot's Guide to At-Home Rhinoplasty" (supplemental CD missing.)

14 assorted prosthetic limbs (varying colors, some in poor condition.)

6 Swarovski-encrusted surgical masks.

Letter (pencil) to Peter Sellers co-star Herbert Lom that ends, "Are you my mother?"

37,532 international-rate postage stamps (licked.)

5 cartons of unmarked ointment tubes.

December, 1996 issue of "Vintage Motorworks" magazine.

Envelope containing bone shavings and accompanying note of support from Sally Field.

I hope you will consider bidding on some of these lesser-disclosed items. Add a little Jacksoniana to your humble home, and score your own little piece of Neverland today.