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Monday, April 13, 2009

O.M.G., L.M.T.!

So, not to embarrass her or anything, but my sister-in-law reads Cosmo.

Well, okay, I don't have evidence that she reads it, but it does come to her apartment, addressed to her. I mean, I get lots of things at my house that are addressed to me that I don't read, principally alumni notices/money beggings from my college and reminder postcards from my dentist.

Leafing through the magazine out of a morbid curiosity that haunts all men, lured into the depths of banality on the pages inside by the seductive actress or songstress or starlet or harlot on the cover, posing alluringly (Question: why do women's magazines have hot women on their covers?) and I was pretty entertained by what I found in there.

"Hey," I asked my sister-in-law and wife, "do they have those... those moronic stories in here, like-- what are they called... 'trauma-ramas?'"

They looked at me.

"You know, like, 'OMG, I was sitting in the hottub with my friends and some guys and I farted so hard my tampon flew out!' You know, those?"

"Well," my sister-in-law said, "those are more "Seventeen" magazine, but they have things like those in here."

She also told us about the website fmylife where people write in embarrassing stories that make you want to stick your head in a blender. Example:

"I saw this Caucasian woman and she dropped her purse. I went to pick it up to help her and she hit me with her umbrella. When I gave it back to her, she hit me again and said, "Get away from me, you yellow crook!" I'm Asian. F my life."

I presume that these are heavily edited if not entirely fabricated, because she read us maybe fifteen of them and they all sounded like they were written in exactly the same voice. Oh, and why did you have to wire "I'm Asian." Of course you're fucking Asian-- she called you a little yellow bastard or whatever. Everyone who's ever watched a "Pink Panther" film knows that Asians are correctly referred to as "yellow."

Anyway, this past weekend there were a lot of jokes swapped back and forth about Trauma-Ramas and F My Lifes. I think it was my sister-in-law who came up with the "F My Life"-like catchphrase "LMT!" (Lost My Tampon) as the perfect summation to an embarrassing trauma-rama story. I, having the mental age of 12, thought this was hilarious, and the mere mention of the catchphrase this weekend would send me into hysterical, gasping spasms of laughter.

Because I am 12, I thought it would be a funny idea to make one of these stories up myself, and then encourage all of my blog readers to make up their own Trauma-Rama or F My Life story. Remember, lovies, we're making things up. If you want to share a true one, Cosmo, Post Secret, F My Life, and Seventeen all await with reckless, schadenfreude abandon.

Okay? Here's mine:

"So, this one time, like, me and my crush were at an amusement park. Like, he was sooooo cute! And, like, we went on the ferris wheel together, even though I had just eaten, like, a thousand pounds of cotton candy. Well, we were up on the ferris wheel and, all of a sudden, it just stopped, right as me and my crush were right at the top.

"So, as we were sitting there, we totally started making out (EEEP!) He wanted to do more, but I was totally getting visited by Aunt Flow (that means I was having my period!) and so I kept pushing his hand away from, you know, down there, but he kept putting his hand there and he was, like, "Oh, I think your skirt has a thread that's coming loose, and he tugged on it, and I LMT'd! OMG, I was so embarrassed! And my crush threw the tampon out the side of the ferris wheel cart and it landed in some fat guy's cup of Coke three carts below us! He started screaming and his kid started crying, and the fat guy actually punched his kid in the face and started hitting the kid with my gorey tampon!

Sicknasty, right?

Then, my crush threw up in my face and I was so surprised that he did that, I farted so hard I shat myself. Then he was like, "Uh, I don't wanna hook up with you anymore," and he pushed me out of the ferris wheel cart and I fell out, but my underwear got caught on the edge of the ferris wheel cart, saving my life. But I was hanging there upsidedown getting the biggest frontal wedgie ever and my shit was all over the place and everybody in the amusement park was standing around watching me and the fat guy was now strangling his son with my tampon cord.

I totally threw up cotton candy vom all over the fat guy's head. He was so mad that he pulled out a bow and arrow and he shot me. The arrow went right through my underwear and I fell on top of a bunch of Japanese tourists in Members Only jackets who were filming the whole thing!

It's up on YouTube with over 4 million hits since Sunday.


Okay! Now it's your turn, readers! In the comment box, go ahead and exercise your creativity and pen your own L.M.T. inspired tale! Don't forget to incorporate the catchphrase, and start using it in your writing/daily lives.

Have fun!


  1. I can't compete with that one. Bravo.

    (Although I feel compelled to point out that a tampon cord, as you like to call it, would not be long enough to strangle someone)

  2. OMG, so I was totally dating this really hot guy. We'd had a couple of dinners and movies, but this was the first time he came to my house afterwards. We were snuggling on the couch, when he spied my fireplace, and asked if I ever lit fires there. Romantically, I told him we could light one right now! Unfortuately, I was wearing this really short, tight skirt, so it was really hard for me to bend over to light the starter log. As I struggled to bend over, I knew I had my huge ass right in the air, and I let a huge fart rip. Then, as if that weren't bad enough, my side seams started to split. and then, of course, it was my time of the month, and I jsut LMT! OMG, it was so awful, I just wanted to die.

  3. Liz- Dude. Suspend disbelief. And I'm sure there are some Chinese tampon companies making cords that long.

    Slips- YES! Anybody else brave enough? Come on!

  4. I am fat.. there I said it fat rhymes with hat but I digress.. I decided to do something about it so I joined a gym.
    So I am at the gym and i really didnt want to be there because A) I am fat B) I hate Excercise (could be the reason why I am a) haha. and c) Aunt Flo decided to visit today!
    Anyways I thought no time like the present so I jumped into an excercise class. I felt uncomfortable because of my weight and freakin Aunt Flo so i wore really baggy shorts even for me!
    The instructor who was running the class locked eyes with me and motioned me to the front of the class. She said you new here? No actually I am a life time member here and I hit all my goals and peaked so i gave myself a little break from the gym and gained all this weight to challenge myself to lose it again.. you fucktard. Just kidding.. I didnt say that .. I just thought it. I said yes I am. She said well I think you may find this class a little challenging so just pace yourself through the harder stuff. I took that comment as a challenge in itself and I decided even if it kills me I am going to hang in there! So we started with some stretching then jumping jacks.. up and down up and down..I was sweating profusely and she kept hollering 3 more 2 more and I thought you can do it! and i really exerted myself and then like a missile ready for discharge I LMT! It freakishly bounced off the floor and landed on the instructors head and she hollered 1 more! I thought I dont have anymore! So I jogged my ass outta there!

  5. Yay! Good for you, Shelley! OMG, LMT at the GYM!

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  7. Love this. I totally agree that all the LMT/FML stories are totally made up by Cosmo interns/website administrators, respectively. Also, I have been meaning to write a blog post about this myself for quite a while (and will soon), but as an avid (and only slightly shamed) reader of Cosmo, I have to say that the best part of every issue is the LMT-type story section, but the monthly Red Hot Read at the end. Red Hot Reads are excerpts from books that could generously be called "erotic literature" but are more accurately described as "slutty Harlequin romances," except minus the romance part. I highly suggest you read one; they are incredible! They usually use the terms "manhood," "shaft" and "waves of pleasure," and the sex scenes are always highly improbable. Check it out!


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