An Award-Winning Disclaimer

A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Friday, April 17, 2009

Obscure My Identity, Please: I'm a Blogger


I don't know why I even bother blogging on Friday. I feel like nobody reads blogs on Fridays, or, at least, people don't read mine. What the fuck are all of you people Orthos or something?


As most of you know, I had me a little blog before this one. From June until February, I was just a little Pudd'nhead, spouting off my opinions, tossing in my silly little hyperlinks, trying to figure out the world in my own unique, profane way. Then, one day, I got "found out" by someone I didn't want "finding me out." I felt jeopardized and threatened, simply for speaking my peace. So, I did what any rational, logical blogger would do in my shoes: I killed the blog.

When I restarted afresh, I took steps to ensure my anonymity. I thought just creating a fake name for myself was enough, but it's not. See, in the heady desire to get more followers and more hits and more visits, a blogger must do a bit of networking and advertising to get his or her wares out there, just like a purveyor of fake fried eggs must, which, by the way, I just placed an order for (don't ask).

The wish for readers is in direct conflict, unfortunately, with the quest for anonymity. You might be wondering why a blogger must possess anonymity in the first place. Well, the answer is simple: because there are those out there who would do us harm. There are those who would use our words against us. There are those who will not permit us to exercise our 1st Amendment right, our beloved freedom of expression. There are those who would go after our reputations and our occupations and our marriages and sometimes even our lives.

I get very jealous when I see bloggers out there using their full and real names, their real pictures. I want to be them, but I feel I can't. I have to protect myself. And maybe they're just naive, and maybe they'll get burned one day, I don't know. I hope not, but they probably will. Some would argue that, when you're putting information out there, you should man up to it by putting your real name on everything you write, but I disagree. If we lived in a society where there were not negative repercussions for self-expression, maybe I would, but we don't. People are routinely losing their jobs and their respect simply by posting funny pictures of themselves on Facebook or because things they've written on blogs have been taken out-of-context or misinterpreted. Why should I open the door and allow that to happen to me? Why can't I put on at least a chain lock?

Look, I'm not so dumb that I don't know the internet is a potentially very dangerous place. It's rife with misinformation and outright lies, it's a haven for perverts and scumbags-- but, then again, so is Camden. I understand that human resource departments and potential employers have to be on the lookout for assgrabbers and criminals, but posting acerbic ramblings on a blog or talking about your neighbors or posting a pic on Facebook of you giving a blowjob to a 10-foot-tall Smokey the Bear cut-out (guilty!) isn't against the law. It may be regarded as in dubious taste by some of the more priggish members of our society, but even they were young and semiretarded once, too. They all shit like the rest of us, they just don't write about it.

It's an outrage that simple bloggers, who are not breaking any laws, feel that they have to shroud themselves in pseudonyms and avatars simply so that they can keep their jobs and their friends intact. You might say, "Well, that's the way it is, and, if you don't like it, then stop blogging," and that's a pretty valid point. I could very easily go back to who I was before I became a blogger and my life would go on and your life would go on, too. If you've been reading this horseshit thing every day, you might be bummed for a day or two, but you'd get over it pretty quickly and you'd move on. The fact of the matter is that I'm not doing anything wrong by blogging, so why should I, or any other noncriminal blogger stop? Who are we hurting with our compendium of thoughts and words?

It may be written that we have freedom of speech in this country, but it carries a heavy cost. When bloggers feel threatened and wary and anxiety-ridden enough to hide who they are, simply so that they can write honestly, we're paying a significant price for our little freedoms that amount to little but window-dressing, and flimsy, chintzy window-dressing at that.


  1. omg i have jst been found i honestly feel like i hve been violated and i blogged abt the person (an ex) so knowing he saw tht really shook me and the fact he kept quiet about it freaked me out ALOT!!!!

    am trying to find my blogger wings again but its difficult deciding wot gets blogged abt and wot doesn't!!

  2. It is a shame that you have to remain anonymous. But as i comment along i will talk myself out of it.. here goes..
    But if you gave up that anonymity your email box would become full of comments and you would have a ton of "friends" on facebook sending you applications like whats your trailer trash name or cowboy name and other crap like that. I have been curious myself because you and your wife sound like great people but then that creeps me out that I am curious about people in another country who are ages younger then me. ]
    I say keep the anonymity DONT give up the blogging .. i enjoy it very much.. (and its all about me ha ha ha). I enjoy hearing about your Dad and how you can make simple things sound very funny!
    See I was going to type something else but i thought it would be a clue to your identity so i deleted it.. KEEP THE ANONYMITY!

  3. i struggle with this one..

    i started anonymous.. then i started posting my pictire...

    i'm notso good at being anonymous. though, i still at least have an alias. hmph.

  4. I'm in the exact same boat my friend. Completely agree with this post.

  5. I'm not as scared of my boss, or society as large, as I am my mother. ;)

  6. this post makes me want nothing more than to find out who are....see here I am reading everysingleblog from the beginning. but dont worry (i could tell you were worrying) im in sc and will likely never cross your path. but i wonder...if i did and i asked if you were mr. apron-would you say yes?

  7. That depends. If you came up behind me holding a .22, then probably not.

    If you came up behind me holding a big, frosted, chocolate cupcake the size of a basketball, then I might.

  8. I will be walking around with giant cup-cakes from now on-look for me


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