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Thursday, March 19, 2009

I've Got a Little List

I used to make little lists on the old blog. Oftentimes they were lists of things I either didn't like or things that I should have been doing instead of blogging. Today, it's going to be the latter.

Here's a little list of things I should be doing instead of blogging:

* Paying bills.

I don't know why I feel so compelled to pay bills. Maybe it's the paranoia over the mortgage we just took out, whereby the creepy bank gets to own my naddies until said objects become nothing but shrivelled Raisinettes. Maybe it's my desperation to preserve my credit rating. I just went through all the bills downstairs-- the earliest a bill is due is the 27th, and I'm already itching to write checks. Maybe I'll pay one or two after I'm done blogging, just to make myself feel better.

* Changing the oil in the car.

The sticker fell off, a long time ago. I have no idea when this car is due for an oil change, but the guilty pang in my chest is telling me I should have brought the car in probably six months ago. Either that or I have coronary artery disease. I'm sure the car is pitifully overdue, but it's one of those awful, cyclical things-- like when you meet someone and immediately forget their name, and then you see them again and it's too late to ask them their name again, so you just go on with you life, pretending that you know their name when, really, you don't. Well, this is kind of like that.

* Masturbating.

I've cut down markedly on this little pastime of mine since I started blogging. Aren't you honored?

(By the way: if you ever decide to blog about masturbating, take my advice: do not do a Google image search for a clever hyperlink. It's not worth it.)

* Practicing the banjo.

I got the banjo Thanksgiving weekend. I still only know four chords. Please tell me to go practice.

* Shower.

How often are you supposed to shower?

* Engage in any number of home improvements.

Yeeeeah..... um..... there's a lot to do around here. There's nothing like an old home that was inhabited for almost three quarters of a century by an elderly crow to necessitate constant improvement and labor. I know there's wallpaper to strip, furniture to move, boxes to unpack, clothes to wash, flowers to plant, walls to paint, floors to shine, shelves and a guest bed to assemble but.... um...... yeah....... blogging's easier.

* Shave.

The beard that I once so enjoyed is now starting to get on my wick. I don't like it when the corners of the mustache enter my mouth-- it's fucking gross. I don't know how those Civil War guys did it.

* Take a walk.

I know I should, but I don't feel like it. Mrs. Apron and I are going to take one tonight-- isn't that good enough?

* Call my sister.

Hmmm... no, that's okay.

* Obsess in the mirror over every perceived physical abnormality I can find.

See-- there's this mole on my left leg....

* Arrange clothes in closet.

This house was built in 1928-- there aren't any closets. I don't quite understand why-- didn't people wear clothes in 1928? Didn't they have to store their arm garters and spats and mink stoles somewhere? Where the fuck did they put all their bowlers and their saddle shoes? WHERE THE FUCK ARE OUR CLOSETS?!

* Call a closet company.

Okay, okay. I will do that. I'm sure that will give me more blog fodder anyway.


  1. Actually, NPR did a story this morning about hair washing. This idea of daily shampooing is fairly modern, driven by advertising (of course), and is leading to a "No Poo" movement. nuff said.

    Showering, though. They didn't comment on how often we should shower.

  2. i read this post just because you said masturbating. (OK, sorry, i just kinda focused in on masturbating and skimmed the rest.) good one! my motto: "less typing, more masturbation!" blogging is like masturbating though...

  3. Practice your banjo! Even 15 minutes will make you feel good and help drum the activity into your muscle memory. I am now learning the ukulele, and I practiced for 20 minutes today. So don't you wanna top that? You know you can do better than me!


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