El Diente Azul

That means "the blue tooth," in Spanish! Aren't I cultured?

So, here's my question for my small but loyal blogdience:

Do people who walk around with bluetooth headsets in their ears still look like d-bags?

Please feel free to regale me and others with your perspectives on the matter, because I'm actually dying to know. I'm still kind of on the fence about what I think, which is unusual for me. I can certainly remember having a pretty crystal clear opinion of those who chose to adorn themselves with a bluetooth headset: I didn't think much of them. You remember thinking it, too:

Who were these self-important assholes?

Why did they insist on walking around in public wearing these unwieldy contraptions affixed to their heads?

Why did they want to walk around looking like some awry medical experiment?

Why did they keep the thing in their ear even when they weren't expecting a phone call?

We looked at them with a mixture of scorn, contempt and thinly-veiled outrage. "You're no Secret Service agent!" we wanted to scream at them, but didn't-- just in case they were.

Of course, it was all envy, anybody could have seen that. It was envy and a covetous disposition that could only be quelled by, what else: getting a bluetooth.

I capitulated maybe a year ago, at Staples. I got one for me, and one for Mrs. Apron. She's usually very anti-whatever's-trendy, and we'd relished in making fun of people who wore bluetooth headsets, calling them "cyborgs" and "assholes." So, I hedged my impetuous purchase with a lie,

"I think they're making it illegal in Pennsylvania to talk on the phone in the car without one of these..."

Mrs. Apron grabbed the package out of my hand.

"COOL!" she squealed. Well, so much for that.

After a long time of using this device, I'm not so sure it's a whole lot safer to talk on a hand-held phone while you're driving than it is to talk on a bluetooth while you're driving. I mean, the content of the call is the same, and if your girl, Moesha is telling you all about getting her bitchass smacked up by her baby daddy, chances are you're going to be just as excited, irate, and animated.

Right?

It is amazing, though, how the combination of the passage of time coupled with the acquisition of a device yourself remarkably alters how you view others with the same device. Now, when I see someone in the supermarket and their right ear is glowing, I don't automatically want to run them over with my shopping cart. It's just like any other invention, I suppose-- at first it's eyed suspiciously, but then, eventually, you adjust to its prominence. Like the iPod. Like the airbag. Like the Beetle. Like locking people with autism away in residential facilities and/or basements. Like Cheez-Whiz.

You just get used to these new-fangled ways.

Unfortunately, the bluetooth earpiece does somewhat contribute in a predictable way to the increase of noise pollution, as people with bluetooth headsets are much more likely to gab in public places. Here was the conversation I heard a young man having with his associate on a bluetooth while I was returning my shopping cart at Target.

"Yeah, man, I mean-- I know he like to get 'em while they all fresh and pure and shit, before they got all kinds of mutha' fuckin' diseases an shit, but like-- fourteen? I mean, shit. That's kinda young, you know?"

Yes. I do. And I'm glad you do, too.