Confusing the Issue

I heard of somebody recently who was confusing the issue.

You've heard of people like this, too, I'm sure. They're people who cannot leave well enough alone, even when "well" isn't all that well to begin with. They're constantly on the lookout for a new way to complicate and obfuscate.

This person I met, we'll call her "Emily," because that's a wholesome kind of pseudonym, was discussing a friend of hers from college. We'll call the friend "Frieda" because I've decided that I don't like her. Anyway, Emily was saying that Frieda had recently stayed at her house and that it was really nice to see Frieda, even after a long time had gone by. She also stated that situations that "could have been awkward" ended up not being so awkward after all.

That's nice, isn't it?

See, prior to Frieda's arrival, she called Emily and asked if it would be okay if she brought a companion to the visit.

"Sure," Emily said.

"Okay, he'll be coming with me."

He'll. He will. Him. Male.

Right?

WRONG!

Frieda, a lesbian, showed up at Emily's house with a girl.

Emily was confused.

Poor Emily.

Is this starting to sound like a picture book?

Good.

You see, children, Frieda, it was later explained, is a lesbian who is involved in a small but vocal minority (aren't they all?) that is pushing for what is called "universal pronouns." They don't want to feel constricted by so-called "artificial gender constructs."

Hmm.

Seems to me that calling a girl a "him" is what's artificial around here. But, hey, that's just me. What do I know? I'm just a her.

Or, wait--

People like this really get on my wick. You're a lesbian, you like women. Why can't you call them women? And "she's?" And "her's?" I'm sorry, but people like this do not want to alter artificial gender constructs-- they want to confuse, annoy, irritate and befuddle people. That's all. They thrive on the uncomfortable moments that they deliberately create through their grammanarchy. They love the,

"But, I-- it's just-- um... yeah...'s" they get from people who fall victim to their merciless assaults on the English language and expected social conduct.

See, if I am going to stay with someone for a few days and say, "Oh, yeah-- can I bring my dog?" and they say, "sure" and then I show up with a cat, and the host dies because of their anaphylactic reaction to cat saliva and dander, well, I'll just look down at their corpse and say,

"Hey, I'm sorry you're dead and all, but I'm really just revolting against the artificial construct of calling a dog a dog. You know? I'm calling my dog a cat. So I guess your refusal to conform to my own personal norms is your problem. Well, actually, since you're dead, I guess it's your loved ones' problem. Peace."

Or, how about calling my "dog" a "tiger?"

"Oh, sorry about the carnage, but..."

The funny thing about these people is that they're incredibly selfish. They obviously don't give a shit about you or your feelings or your comfort level-- you're just expected to go along with their ridiculous schema-- but they sure as hell don't give a shit about other people they may be offending. Like, oh, I don't know, how about transsexuals? Calling a woman a "him" could be very offensive to an individual who is actually undergoing the process of sexual reassignment surgery. What kind of message does this behavior send to those folk?

Oh, well, who cares, right?

I think it's a sad comment on life when there are people out there who are so self-important that they feel the entire English language should be manipulated just to suit their own personal bullshit. If you're not secure enough in who you love or lick, well, that's kind of your problem, isn't it?

Oy. What a world. Well, must end this now. It's time to walk the tiger.