Happy St. Patrick's Day, You Fucking Morons.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

It's such a pleasure to see so many people out and about, honoring Irish culture.

Makes you proud.

I particularly admire the way people comport themselves on St. Patrick's Day. At a time when Irish culture is trying desperately to contain outbursts of violence from a hopefully bygone era, it's nice to see so many folks out there displaying their Irish pride.

Such displays of appropriateness.

Such good taste.

What I love most about St. Patrick's Day is that nobody goes outside their house looking like a total d-bag. People know that this is a holiday to celebrate and honor a troubled people, and they behave accordingly.

Americans especially.

Americans love St. Patrick's Day, for some reason. You might argue on the comment portion of this blog (go right ahead) that Americans love St. Patrick's Day because there are so many Irish immigrants in America. Well, that may have been true at one point, but I think Americans love St. Patricks Day because we love to get shitfaced and, in America, St. Patrick's Day is equated with massive alcohol consumption, which, as we all know, is totally cool!

It's interesting to note that the Irish Independent News isn't exactly headlining with St. Patrick's Day.

"Ireland Hit Worst By Recession" the headline blares.

Beneath that are two terrible stories of death, one involving three brothers who perished together in a house-fire, and another piece about two men who got killed in a "roadway horror smash."

Wait a minute-- where are the leprechauns?

Where's me Lucky Charms?

Since the overwhelming majority of St. Patrick's Day celebrations have absolutely nothing to do with St. Patrick, I have a new idea for this "holiday."

Let's call it "St. Poseur's Day."

This is a day where you can happily roam the streets pretending that you're something you're definitely not. Put on some green. Try on a retarded accent-- see how it suits you. Get totally shitfaced in honor of something you know nothing about, denigrating a country you will never visit, and getting on the jaun of a people you will never understand. Honor the great and most revered St. Poseur of the Ancient Isle of Fakery, who once crashed a Passover seder wearing a huge false nose.

Hm.

Speaking of which, why do other cultures never seem to glom onto Jewish holidays? Why aren't there "Yom Kippur Parades" in New York City? Street vendors could sell cheap, black felt hats and false beards and even Jew noses to the goyim poseurs of the world. What about "Kiss Me, I'm Jewish" pins? People could get shitfaced on Manischewitz by the jugful and call each other "Putz!" and "Schmendrick!"

Come join us, world. Let St. Poseur and the Jews unite at last.