Well Guldernit and Cheese'n Crackers, It's DEAR APRON

Welcome to "Dear Apron," the advice column that gives your Friday a kick in the pants and gives Dear Abby a red shank around her nether regions.

DEAR APRON:

Shortly before my wedding, I decided to have my teeth fixed. The dentist quoted me a price of $4,000, which my husband and I could not afford since we were paying for our entire wedding.

My parents agreed to pay the dental bill as soon as it arrived. However, there is now a "stipulation." They are demanding the full list -- including exact dollar amounts -- of what EACH of our guests gave us for wedding gifts. If I refuse, my parents now say our previous verbal agreement is worthless, and my husband can cover my dental bill.

Am I wrong for not wanting to give them the dollar amount or tell them what each guest gave at our wedding? They call me at work and insist I tell them because they "must" know if their family and friends "disrespected" them. I feel that whatever people gave us is whatever they could afford, and my husband and I are very happy with the gifts we received. -- NEWLYWED IN DARIEN, CONN.

DEAR FANG:

I love when people write to advice columns asking the rhetorical, leading, and obnoxious proto-question, "Am I wrong for....?" The validation you're after is so painfully obvious, it shines and screams out like a red shank around my genitals.

You know what-- yes. Yes, you are wrong for wanting your parents to give them the dollar amount or tell them what each guest gave at your wedding. If you want them to fork over the dough required to have Orin Scrivello, DDS fix your banged up fucking horse-teeth, then you play by their rules there, Letterman.

Your sentiment that "whatever people gave us is whatever they could afford" is as charming as it is naive. People are notoriously stingy at weddings, and if you think that Keurig is all your Uncle Maximillian could afford, then you're as stupid as you look, even without those trademark buck-teeth.

Believe me, if I had been fortunate enough to have been invited to your wedding, I'd have stiffed you. Probably would have given you a giftcard to "Home Depot" for twenty bucks or something, 'cuz that's how I roll.

P.S.-- I think it's awesome that your parents are blackmailing you. Sound like my kinda parents.

DEAR APRON:

I'm a 73-year-old man in reasonably good health who would like to own a dog. However, I have two concerns: A dog might outlive me, or I might outlive the dog -- which would be traumatic for me. I'd appreciate your opinion. -- THINKING OF ADOPTING IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR SOON-TO-BE-DECEASED:

Jeez-- I wish everyone was this thoughtful before considering adoption.

Since you asked, here are some of my opinions regarding your dilemma:

1.) Have you considered physician-assisted suicide? That would take care of both problems. Obviously, if this is a route your are thinking about, I would do it before adopting the little poochie-pee.

2.) Instead of a young dog, which would have an obviously greater lifespan than you, how about picking up a thirteen-year-old basset hound-- something that's already got three paws in the grave. Its lethargic apathy for life will make you feel that much better about your own abysmal situation, your COPD, your shingles and your perpetually leaky anus.

3.) How about a hamster? Those little fuckers never seem to last longer than a year or so, and you might actually have a chance at outliving it. Then, when it dies, you can eat it! Just a thought.

4.) Have you thought maybe cutting out a picture of a dog from a magazine or the DVD cover of "101 Dalmations" could be a more reasonable, palatable substitute for having a real dog? Think about it...

5.) Actually, after thinking about this for a while now, I really just think you should kill yourself.

DEAR APRON:

I am writing this as a mother of four and an operating room nurse for 30 years. Once again, I had to pull a crying mother from her child so I could take the child into the operating room.

I understand that a child having surgery is upsetting and stressful. My own children have had to have surgical procedures done, so I know the feeling. But if I can help parents understand one thing, it would be that the child looks to the parent for support. If the mother is crying and clinging at the bedside, the message the child receives is: If Mom is that upset, something bad must be about to happen to me.

No one is implying that you do not love your child or you are not worried about him or her, but it does no one any good if you have to be peeled off your child. Please send your little one off with kisses and encouraging words, and the child will be a little less frightened. -- WISCONSIN R.N.

DEAR NURSE RATCHED:

I couldn't agree with you more. You're 100% right. A child's mother ought to display a stoicism worthy of Helen of Troy, or Joan of Arc when her little son or daughter is about to be wheeled away for a STAT craniotomy or an aortic valve replacement. Any mother who sheds a tear in the moments before some neurotic, self-aggrandizing surgeon with a God complex and Porsche payments slices into their child's body ought to be summarily killed and used as a cadaver to be defiled by first year medical students in the basement morgue.

Who exactly do these parents think they are, displaying actual emotions at one of the most psychologically stressful and painful moments of life? The medical community must band together and show these pussies that their tears and their quivering lips are true signs of weakness and that they are no better than the crack-addicted, fifteen-year-old trailer-trash that passes for parents in today's modern society.

I am glad that there are healthcare professionals like you out there who know exactly how parents of medically fragile children ought to behave in the moments before their children are taken away from them, possibly for the very last time.

Oh, and congratulations on your Healthcare Provider Humanitarian of the Year Award.

Bra. Vo.

DEAR APRON:

We had a repairman in our home yesterday who needed to leave to go to the hardware store for a part. My wife told him: "I have to go to pick up my son, so here's my spare key. Let yourself back in."

Apron, we do not know this man from Adam! He easily could have copied our key -- he was going to the hardware store, after all -- and returned to burglarize our home, or worse. We have three young children.

I realize my wife was in a tough spot. I know I should have more faith in the goodness of humanity, but I feel she put our family at risk. I'm considering having my locks changed. Your thoughts on the matter would be much appreciated. -- PROTECTIVE IN LIVERMORE, CALIF.

DEAR SOON-TO-BE-KILLED-IN-HIS-SLEEP:

Wow. Your wife's a real winner. What, did she take her clothes off and let this guy sketch her nude, too? Don't stop at changing your address-- change your spouse.

Oh, and who the fuck is "Adam?"

DEAR APRON:

I have a question I can't ask of anyone but you. I am 84 years old, and I have been a widow for 10 years. I worked as a secretary all my life.

I am torn about accepting requests from a man I used to work for to "come and visit" him. This is not an invitation for a date -- dinner, a movie, a drive. It's nothing but "a visit."

This happened before when I was divorced and living alone. The "visit" consisted of hugging, kissing and sex. That's all. It made me feel cheap.

Although I would love to be kissed and hugged by a man as handsome as George Clooney, I feel he is trying to use me. There is never any mention of a "date." Please hasten your reply and tell me how I should handle this. -- FEELING USED IN BELLEVILLE, ILL.

DEAR FEELING USED:

Oh my God. You disgust me. Go adopt a hamster and never write to me again.