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Monday, February 1, 2010

Men + Care = Stupid

I have a confession to make:

Recently, I've been experimenting with LUNA bars to see if their consumption will result in some sort of body-altering experience. For the time being, I have yet to grow a vagina.

I thought also that utilizing Dove Beauty Body Wash Go Fresh Energize (Grapefruit and Lemongrass), massaging it over my pigeon chest might possibly cause a pair of fresh, hair covered breasts to pop out, in lactalicious glory-- but this hasn't happened yet. Just like eating "Smart Start" breakfast cereal in the morning hasn't turned me into a sixty-one-year-old woman with irritable bowel syndrome, reading glasses, and frosted hair.

I may choose to take this experiment of mine to the next level, and attempt to shave my face with a Schick Quattro for Women Trimstyle Razor for Women. Maybe I'll make it into the Guinness Book of World Records for being the first man to successfully grow a vagina on his face.

I've always thought that marketing products to men or women was kind of silly. I, of course, understand that it makes sense in clothes. I get that women's underwear is supposed to be frilly, stringy, and go straight up your asshole, and that men's underwear is supposed to have depictions of beer cans or Sponge Bob or the Playboy bunny insignia on it. I get that women's shoes are supposed to be torture devices and that men are supposed to wear Rockports. I understand all this. But I don't understand why men have to have their own soap.

Ladies, welcome to the soap you can't have, and gentlemen, your soap has come in:

Dove's "Men + Care"

According to their website, Dove's "Men + Care" delivers "the refreshing, comfortable clean men want."

Is that so? Well, Unilever, Corp., this soap was obviously designed by women because I'll be more than happy to tell you that all men want is to not smell like crotch-rot, and we can pretty much achieve that by rubbing a stalk of celery around on our taints. Why do we need your special man-boy soap? Will it somehow support and affirm our virility? Will it make our dicks longer? Because that's the other thing men want, aside from not smelling like crotch-rot. Can it do that for us, your new extendick soap? If not, then save your marketing bullshit and keep spending money putting only semi-attractive "real" women in your commercials to make yourselves feel better.

You think men are stupid and that we will buy your ridiculous man-soap. You think we're so stupid that, on your man-soap webpage, there's even a "How It Works" tab. You think we don't know how soap works? Listen-- I know how goddamn soap works, and I don't need to read your horsecaca about "micromoisture" to know that you're jacking me off and telling me it's love.

Here's a newsflash for everyone: soap is soap. Cereal is cereal. Granola goddamn bars are granola goddamn bars.

That's right, you heard it here first: on My Masonic Apron, the only blog out there written by a non-breasticated man who eats LUNA bars.

Happy Monday. Make sure you think of me next time you're rubbing some ridiculous, gender-manipulated product all over yourself in the shower.


  1. You've just made my job sound null and void.

  2. Which reminds me of my husband being pissed off at the lotion that didn't rub in correctly. It was body wash. So maybe instead of marketing products they can just invest in LARGER TYPE on the packaging. Matt could really care less what he uses. But sometimes I have to tell him he's using too much of something...because he smells worse than a french whore. ;)

  3. Turns out that most products geared towards men, the women version is the same thing only at an elevated price.

    Gotta love marketing.

  4. I once saw a commercial for "diet cola for men." I just assumed there were pictures of boobs at the bottom of the cans.

  5. At our local Target, the kids' section of the furniture department has two separate signs for "girls' chairs" and "boys' chairs." Because god forbid we don't synchronize our furniture design choices with our kids' genetalia!

    I also noticed that Radio Flyer has a "Super Deluxe Wagon" and a "Girls' Wagon." I wish they'd just sell them as "Primary Colors Wagon" and "Pastel Colors Wagon."

    Why are we so set on gendering products with color? Is it to make sure brothers and sisters (and later, husbands and wives) don't have the nerve to save money by sharing products?

  6. Rebecca--

    No, silly-- that's not why! It's because girls have cooties and, as a result of this unfortunate affliction, their toys, clothes, Radio Flyer wagons, razors and such are all treated with a special Dow chemical designed to ameliorate the effects of said disorder.

  7. I use men's razors. They're cheaper.

    I have yet to sprout a penis. But if I do, I'll letcha know.

  8. Nyx--

    Don't call me, call Guiness. And I would also write to the razor company and either ask for your money back or a commercial.

  9. Funnilly enough, you're just saying what everyone in my does. We all use man-deoderant, because it's cheaper (and my brother doesn't want to smell like lemon balm), we use men's razors (they work better, in my opinion) and women's soap. Or rather, gender nuetral soap (it's kind of girly looking though). Not to worry, despite the fact that I suck at 'girl things', no one has sprouted breasts or penises where they didn't belong. :)


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