On This Day...

I love Facebook.

More importantly, I love Facebook Apps.

Like "Which Muppet Are You?" (Kermit-- duh! Even got the legs to prove it-- and I'm learning the banjo!)

I'm also a big fan of "Name That Anal Fissure," "What Percentage of My Friends Are Nazis Or Cran-Apple Juice Drinkers?" and the ever-popular, "What's Your Offensive Negro Minstrel Character's Name?"

Hi. I'm "Watermelon Jones."

I'm particularly fond of "On This Day, God Wants You to Know..." an app that gives randomly-generated heavenly tidbits to the online masses, as a convenient, cyber-drive-thru substitute for time consuming things like church and what have you. So I thought that, in honor of my firm affection for this applicious appity-doo-dah, and in honor of this day and, indeed, in honor of you, that I might try my hand at an "On This Day" myself.

After all, God speaks to me, you know. Oftentimes it occurs in the shower-- but we don't need to go into that right now.

Anyway, without further proboscis, I give you, My Masonic Apron's version of...

On This Day, God Wants You to Know...

* that you are a real disappointment. You know, He spent all that time picking out your eye color and deliberating for hours upon hours on the exact coordinates of the mole placement on your back, and you've just gone and lost your fucking job again. Nice work, shittit.

* that you look really good in those pants-- you know the ones He means-- the black ass pants that you used to wear to the frat parties but that you think are somehow still acceptable to go to work wearing. Seriously-- the Risen Lord is getting mighty hot and bothered over the way your ham-pies rest inside that polyester and rayon mix. Sexcellent.

* that every time you say "Goddamnit" an angel gets assraped in the laundry facility at the Heaven State Correctional Facility. And the agonized cries the angels make-- they're one of the high-frequency sounds that only dogs can hear.

* that those "Visualize World Peace" bumper-stickers make your car look really gay. Especially if it's a Prius.

* that reading "My Masonic Apron" is tantamount to marrying a donkey. But you pretty much knew that already...

* that cars with the gas tanks on the passenger side were created by Satan.

* that, contrary to popular belief, He prefers small-chested women to large-breasted women. I mean, don't get Him wrong-- He doesn't like chicks looking like eleven year-old boys, but a nice 34-B is plenty for Him-- you know, just enough to palm comfortably, but still looks good under a sweater-set standing behind the copy machine at the office-- n'yah mean?

* that, if you don't change your Brita filter constantly, there's basically no fucking point.

* that premature ejaculation is a compliment, ladies-- for Christ's sake.

* that snacking is no different than praying, and snacking with a bag of Doritos or any Frito Lay product is essentially equivalent to emitting Gregorian chant.

* that there is a good reason you are on the terror watch list at all international airports.

* that He is sick and tired of people using the Holocaust as a justification for why there is no God, or why there is a God that allows terrible things to happen. I mean, He knows that the Holocaust was bad and everything, and that He was kind of asleep at the wheel, but can't you move on and find another example of some travesty to point to when pontificating about His existence or lack thereof-- like the Mumbai terror attacks or "Jersey Shore"?

* that people who have religious email addresses are going straight to Hell on the express flight with twin torpedoes crammed up their asses.

* that He's seen Michael Jackson's winkle recently and it wasn't anything that He ever had anything to do with.

* that matzah wasn't His idea.

* that you really, really look fucking unbelievable in those pants. Gargh! Mmm!

* that the Mayans don't have a Goddamn clue. He's ending the show two days after Betty White dies.

* that His Offensive Negro Minstrel Character's Name Is "Lawdy, Lawd, Lawdy!"