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Friday, February 5, 2010

I Don't Understand...

I like to think I'm a pretty sharp guy.

I can analyze the myself and world with a critical, discerning eye. I'm pretty sure I'm someone who can slice through bullshit like a Gin-Su knife through a three-week-old tomato left out in the sun, and yet, there are things that I still don't understand.

Because the modern world can't handle paragraphs, here's a convenient list of things I don't understand....

I Don't Understand...

* why Oprah hasn't bought Haiti yet.

* the people who stand outside "The Today Show" screaming like they're at a Beatles concert. Because, this just in: you're really, really not.

* why he went to Jared's.

* people who don't swear.

* sedans that only seat four.

* people who insist on looting and setting fire to things after their team loses the big game. Or wins.

* grownups who wear sweatsuits in public.

* why Toyota President Akio Toyota hasn't killed himself on live television. Yet.

* why Lady Gaga is a performer and isn't an exhibit at the MOMA or the University of Pennsylvania's Museum of Medical Oddities.

* when I started looking as old as I act.

* cold soups.

* why I have athlete's foot. I mean, talk about irony...

* new parents who see their sweet, tiny, precious baby girl for the very first time, and name her "Belinda."

* people who make sex tapes of themselves and somehow delude themselves into thinking that, six months later, I won't be watching it.

* how that rumor about Jamie Lee Curtis got started. (Don't look at me.)

* folks who totally get off on collecting stamps.

* why follower 128 went away. I miss you. Come back to me. Handy-handy?

* why Chinese food tastes so much better the next day.

* heterosexual couples who do it up the poop-chute. I mean-- I get why the gays-bops do it.

* people my age who fought so hard to elect Barack Obama, and are now disappointed because they've just discovered that they elected a human being and not a goddamn sorcerer who can pull jobs, healthcare, world peace, and rainbows out of his poop-chute.

* joggers who jog at night, wearing orange safety vests. In the street. I swear to God, the next jogger I see out at night in the street, when there is a perfectly good Goddamned sidewalk right there, I'm going to make my new hood-ornament.

* my family.

* pork rinds.

* people who talk on the cell-phone whilst shitting at stall in a rest-stop bathroom.

* the speed limit.

* how anybody can go to college and emerge a virgin.

* how country music became respectable.

* why my mother still thinks it's okay to use Velveeta.

* open-casket funerals.

* German.

* belly-sweat.

* why Angelina Jolie & Madonna haven't adopted all the Haitian children. Yet.

* art.

* why you read my blog when you could be watching old episodes of "30 Rock" on Hulu or trimming your toenail hairs, but, God, I love you.


  1. To clear up that last point for you:
    - I'm all caught up on 30 Rock
    - I wax my toes
    - Canadians can't get Hulu.


  2. OMFG, you poor thing.

    So, does this mean that Michael Moore was actually wrong about something? Canadians DON'T have it better than Americans in every way?

    I mean, no Hulu? Damn. At least you have Garnet Rogers.

  3. Hilarious and head-scratching as always.

    I imagine that being in a voiceover when your blog gets made in to a multi-millioniare dollar budget film ala "Julie and Julia." The New York Times gives it two thumbs up. USA Today calls it "riveting." Sparksy says it's "hilarious and head-scratching as always."

  4. Oh, Sparksy-- they'll never "Julie & Julia" me, I'm sorry to say. Actually, I'm not sorry to say. Meryl Streep will never be pretty enough to play me.

  5. If you were a Haitian child do you really think you'd want either Angelina or Madonna as your mom? I'd rather be an orphan, thank you. They probably don't let you eat.

    I don't understand why the lights on cars are stupid colors. Why can't we have blue tail lights???

  6. You're analysis of the world never ceases to astound me, as, apparently, all of these things astound you. :)

  7. If he EVER went to Jared's he and that ugly, mass-marketed piece of crap* would be out the door faster than you can say "Belinda."

    *No swearing.

  8. What's hulu said the Canuck? I thought it was a game like Halo. ha.. seriously.
    Who went with Jared? Who's Jared?
    Loved the Barack Comment. Before he became president I told my friend that it would take 4 years just to clean up after Bush and if he got reelected THEN you would see the change you want now. My friend was pretty angry at that observation and we are both Canadian for fuck's sake.. Then I asked him who he voted for Prime Minister and he said he didnt vote.. Fuck off..
    Great Blog as usual and i threw in the Eff (F?,EF?) word just for you!

  9. Jaime Lee Curtis is a hermaphrodite, that's not a rumour. it's a fact

  10. I want to give this list a slow clap. Yes, yes, yes.

  11. Because it's 12:53 on a Friday night and I don't have anywhere else to be?

  12. Everytime my family has a large gathering there are pork rinds involved. I don't get it either.


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