Well, Ball-n-Chain Me, It's a Special Marriage Edition of... DEAR APRON

They say that "love & marriage go together like a horse & carriage." Well, if that's true, then morons & Dear Apron go together like Doritos and decaf coffee: strange to think about, but pleasurable to behold.

So, without more bullshit, I give you some unhappily married dunderheads who need their balls and chains immensely straightened out by DEAR APRON!

DEAR APRON:

The other day I asked my husband a question and told him to be honest. If given a choice between giving up wine or giving up sex with me, which would he choose?

You guessed it. He said, "Giving up sex with you." I think I knew the answer before I asked the question, but hearing it out loud devastated me.

I know every woman wants to be No. 1 in her husband's life. Am I wrong to feel so heartbroken? -- LOST THE BATTLE TO CHARDONNAY

DEAR LOST THE BATTLE:

I'm very sorry to hear that your husband is an alcoholic and not a nymphomaniac. How utterly disappointing for you.

You must be a terrible lover. Tell me-- do you prefer the British method of sex, which consists largely of lying there, inert, like a corpse? Because, lots of guys aren't into that. I know, that's a personal question to answer but, hey, you started it.

I have a couple ideas for saving your doomed marriage:

1.) Since your husband is a zealot when it comes to all things grapetastic, why not consider pairing wine with sex? Let him drill you whilst wearing one of those hats with the funnels and straws that were so popular on college campuses and NFL games in the late nineteen-eighties? You might be able to score one on ebay, perhaps one with a built-in FM radio, too, which would be super-cool. He could fill the pockets with his favorite red or white and sip his nectar while exploring your peach-pit.

2.) Tell him that you want to spice up your sex-life, since it's obviously on dialysis at the moment. Tell him to lie face-down on the bed. Tie all four of his limbs to the bed-posts. Then, fuck him up the ass with a full bottle of Dom Perignon.

3.) Divorce your husband and re-marry a piece of cheese, preferably something like a good Stilton that goes well with a sophisticated red wine, so it really drives home the irony.

4.) The next time you get the urge to ask your husband a question like the one you asked him that prompted this whole debacle, just remember that shutting the fuck up makes life a lot easier for all of us.

DEAR APRON:

My wife is constantly passing gas. She does not care where she is or who is around. I have worked in the trucking industry for almost 30 years and never ran across anyone as flatulent as she is.

She is young and attractive, but there is nothing less appealing than feeling "frisky," getting into bed and hearing the trumpet sounds. I have recommended she see a doctor, but she laughs it off and says, "Everyone does it."

I can't believe I'm the only one with this problem. I could really use some "sound" advice, Apron. -- BLOWN AWAY IN ALLIANCE, OHIO

DEAR BLOWN AWAY:

You're blown away?

I'm blown away, friend. I don't know where to begin. But, you can rest assured that, if I were in Alliance, Ohio right now, I'd begin by eating at the closest Mexican buffet and sitting naked on your face.

I'm sorry your wife farts so much. Why don't you leave her and become a whino?

DEAR APRON:

My husband and I have been married 13 years and have two children, 7 and 9. About a year ago, my 41-year-old husband befriended an 11-year-old neighbor girl, "Lacey." Lacey is charming, friendly and plays with my children.

I like her and her family, but I'm bothered that she and my husband have a relationship that seems questionable to me and his friends. Lacey texts him daily, to which he quickly responds. They have conversations in our driveway, and they text each other constantly at neighborhood socials even though they're in the same room.

I have told my husband I am concerned and that it may be an unhealthy relationship, but he becomes angry and insulted and says it's an innocent friendship. Others have also voiced their concerns to him because they see the same things I do. On the other hand, her parents think the friendship is innocent.

Apron, am I overreacting? Should I view it as an innocent friendship, or could there really be a problem? -- WORRIED WIFE DOWN SOUTH

DEAR WORRIED WIFE:

Of course you're over-reacting! Every middle-aged man I know has perfectly innocent, outwardly disturbing relationships with pre-teen girls. The dynamic between your husband and Lacey is perfectly acceptable. I have no doubt that they have many mutual interests and a litany of shared experiences. Like, for instance, when Lacey was forced to sell her Malibu Barbie summer home in foreclosure, no doubt your husband was able to share some of his experiences with the mortgage and real estate industry.

Your fine husband is engaging in the noble act of friendship and mentoring with young Lacey, and your constant paranoia and incessant interference is a detriment to this blossoming and totally puritanical relationship. Why don't you join a book group or start collecting recycled aluminum can tabs or something to take your mind off all of this. You can start worrying when Lacey turns up on your doorstep pregnant. Until then, the Olympics are on, and you're blocking the TV. Sit back and enjoy.

DEAR APRON:

My husband and I have been married six years and have two wonderful children. Lately, my mother-in-law has made several comments in front of family members suggesting that one of our kids bears no resemblance to my husband -- implying that I have been unfaithful.

At first, I took it as a joke. Now I'm wondering if she really believes it. My husband isn't concerned, but I wonder if I should set her straight. What would you suggest? -- NO LAUGHING MATTER

DEAR NO LAUGHING MATTER:

The time has obviously come to confess your sins, you insufferable harlot. I am disgusted that you can face your mother-in-law knowing full well that you have defiled the honor of her son by allowing yourself to be inseminated by some gruff workman's cock. Obviously, your towheaded son's miserable appearance has betrayed your contemptible and lascivious behavior, and has shown you as the whore that you are.

You're right: infidelity is no laughing matter, and you won't hear me chuckling at your fall from grace.

Slut.

And now, a special snow-covered bonus letter.....

DEAR APRON:

I love my wife very much. I like giving her back rubs, massaging her feet, cuddling and kissing her. In return she does the same -- to her dog, "Barkley."

Barkley is the only one who benefits from her affections.

The dog does nothing for me except allow me to pick up his droppings. What am I missing? -- DOGGONE PUZZLED IN CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA

DEAR DOGGONE PUZZLED:

Oh my God-- you gave the dog a pseudonym? That's fucking hilarious!

I love this non-sequitur: "The dog does nothing for me except allow me to pick up his droppings."

What, exactly, is "Barkley" supposed to do for you-- give you a hummer? Oh, no, wait-- that's supposed to be your wife's job. Good luck with that.