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Monday, February 15, 2010

Oh, Shit-- Was Yesterday Valentine's Day?

Dear Mrs. Apron,


I can't believe I neglected to recognize Valentine's Day, the universally and officially ordained day that commemorates and publicly celebrates the love that you and I share together. I feel like a Four-Star D-Bag. I mean, really-- a Brigadier Major-Fuckwad, if you want to get specific.

I didn't realize that yesterday was the day I was supposed to go out to the drug store and buy you a red, cellophane-wrapped box shaped like a goddamn heart containing low-quality chocolates filled with odious, sticky substances that resemble toothpaste, rubber cement, and baby tonsils.

I completely blitzed on getting you a $4.00 Hallmark card with cloying naked-assed cherubs playing harps or whatever. (You know, Valentine's Day is the only day where you can openly buy and give people cards with pictures of naked children on them-- I just thought I'd point that out.) I forgot to buy you a card with a meaningless, maudlin, neutral, nebulous poem written by Sandra Boynton's pomeranian, written in script that is so elegant it's practical illegible. Oh, and I forgot to laminate it to protect it against the projectile vomit you would inevitably hose in its cardinal direction after reading it.

I also totally didn't

* take you out to a candlelit dinner

* give you a gift-certificate for a day at a spa, or even a lousy ten-minute massage from some nineteen-year-old chick from Hong Kong with a lip-piercing

* go on a long walk on the beach with you

* rent a Rom-Com with you

* spread rose petals all over the floor, bed, toilet, roof for you-- nor did I present you with dozens and dozens of them, or even one dozen of them-- and I certainly didn't do anything especially creative with roses, like staple a petal to each of my eyelids and force myself to vomit pre-digested roses onto you in a Romanesque celebration of our love. Although I thought about it.

* tickle your asshole with Forget-Me-Nots or whatever when you weren't looking

* feed you those gross candy hearts while you were lovingly draped on the sofa, watching that Rom-Com that we didn't rent

* dress you up like a sex doll in edible red, flank-steak-flavored underwear and ravage you like the tiger did to that gay magician guy-- you know who I mean-- Dr. Oz?

* go to Jared's

* ask you to marry me again-- although that's not a bad idea... we are running low on cut glass bowls and the coffee-maker is looking kind of pathetic

* recite Shakespearean love sonnets to you while you bathed in lilac blossoms and I strummed a lute wearing big poofy knickerbockers and a blonde wig, a powdered face and star-shaped mole.

* buy you a fucking Lexus or Winnebago or something and wrap it in a big, red bow

* dress the dog up as Aphrodite and make his dog-bed look like a clamshell

But I'm pretty sure I told you that I loved you, several times, in fact.

Just like every other day of the year.

Cherubically yours,

Mr. Apron


  1. Oh're in the shit.

    Good luck.

  2. You know, if my hubs ever did anything for me on Valentine's Day I would be automatically suspicious. ;)

  3. Now I have the "go to Jared's" slogan stuck in my head :)

  4. I'm hoping that someone will never express their love for me by tickling my asshole with forget me nots.
    But thanks for the visual!

  5. You just gave me an awesome freelancing idea - who writes those sappy Hallmark cards again?

  6. You DIDN'T go to Jared's? How did your GPS let you get home then? (Remember that commercial? HOW LAME!)

  7. So maybe V-Day should really be called, National Child Pornography Day. Yeah. That fits I think.

    Hope your lady didn't give you too much grief about neglecting your duties on Valentine's Day, as worthless a day as it really is.

  8. Some trashy, edible undies would've definitly earned you some points....or something.

    Which brings to mind, I wonder if those things are any good? I've actually seen them in the shape of a flower at the convenience store and wonder who in hell would spend money on that shit? And if they were actually brave enough to take a bite out of them, as any girl willing to put that on has to be a little scary.


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