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Thursday, August 4, 2011

There Oughta Be a Law

There's a journalist in my town named Chris Satullo. An imposing fish in the little pond that is Shitadelphia, he's kind of a big deal around here. That's how he comes off on the radio when he speaks his piece on Mondays on WHYY 90.9-FM. He's pretty brash and opinionated and, for that to bother someone like me, you know he really must be over the top.

Anyway, he did a column recently called "There Oughta Be a Law" about his opinions about what ought to be outlawed and/or regulated around these here parts. It was two parts snark and one part sincerity, and the alternate ratio would have been more appreciated, I think.

In that spirit, however, there oughta be a law against

the phrase "sit back, relax, and enjoy our production of ______________" said by creepy-looking, unpaid assistant-stage-manager interns wearing black clothes and bulky headsets before theatre performances. Theatre companies that continue the "sit back, relax, and enjoy" announcement should be given one warning and, after further infractions, should be sentenced to 3-5 years of producing only Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. Sit back, relax, and enjoy that shit, motherfuckers.

Okay, here's where the audience participation part comes in: what do you think there ought to be a law against where you live?

(And please, don't say, "Jews." We all know there ought to be laws against Jews.)


  1. There ought to be a law that makes someone who gets multiple DWIs in less than a year have to actually go to JAIL, lose his/her license for life, and do more than pay some silly $500 fine.

    I hate plea bargains, I really do ...

  2. There ought to be a law regulating the use of the phrase "All Natural" in food advertising. The FDA doesn't give a crap about that phrase, but producers know that people think it actually means something. What it means is, "This is technically edible. Eat up, you hippie fuckers!"

  3. According to Mason, there ought to be a law against Trolls too. You'd like that type of law, wouldn't you Mason? Maybe round them all up and put them in one concentrated location... JUST LIKE THEY DID AT AUSCHWITZ IN 1939!!!


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