An Award-Winning Disclaimer

A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Then You're Wrong

My wife takes pre-natal yoga.

I, um, don't.

Before all you virulently Vassarish former English majors cyber-stone me, husbands aren't allowed, actually. Oddly enough, though, there's a pregnant women in my wife's class, and her lesbian partner is allowed to attend the pre-natal yoganess.

Which, I feel, is discrimination against us heterosexual husbands who might actually want to support our wives and possibly even participate in some downward doggedness.

I thought about blogging about this discrimination in my typically entitled, tongue-firmly-planted-in-cheek, annoyingly cloying way that I've become decidedly un-famous for throughout the blogosphere, but Mrs. Apron told me something yesterday after yoga that incensed me to the point where I figured I'd better take a minute to actually be serious for a minute.

This post is going to be about the lesbian couple, but not about how the acceptance of the lesbian partner into pre-natal is unfair and discriminatory to me. I'm not in that kind of a mood today. Maybe it's the fucking hurricane.

So, lesbian couple was legally married in Massachusetts. Regrettably, for whatever reason(s), these married lesbians made the ill-fated decision to establish residence in Pennsylvania, the land of Rick Santorum and rabid sports fans whose attempts to climb up lampposts when their teams win (or lose) are thwarted by a police department that coats said lampposts in bacon grease.

(Close your mouth, dear. I'm serious.)

So, because Pennsylvania is about as backwards as a retarded elephant's fart, gay marriage is not only illegal, but funny. In Pennsylvania, this legally married couple is a mere domestic partnership. Now, retarded Republican elephants have been trying to convince the modern world that granting homosexuals the status of "domestic partnership" while heterosexuals can enter into the legal and/or holy bonds of matrimony is somehow just, appropriate, and fair.

With liberty, and justice, for all.


Anyway, this couple, obvs, is preggers or they wouldn't be at pre-natal yoga. At the beginning of each class, there is a "share" where the participants and facilitator wax rhapsodic about the joys of morning sickness and the impending joys of episiotomy. Yesterday, though, the lesbian mother dropped a yoga-style bomb on the class. She mentioned that her partner is currently busily filling out paperwork-- adoption paperwork-- to enable her to have parental rights to the as-yet unborn child.

But, wait-- there's more!

The pregnant lesbian, the woman who is actually pregnant with and gettin' her gestation on with this child, is filing adoption paperwork, too.

That's right, kids: this woman has to file-- actually petition-- to adopt (yeah) her own fucking child.

You know how they tell you that what you think can't be wrong? Well...

If you think that you live in a country that celebrates equality, you're wrong.

If you think that America doesn't discriminate against its citizens, you're wrong.

If you're married and you think granting homosexuals the right to marry would somehow diminish what you have with your spouse, you're wrong.

If you think it's appropriate and right and just and fair to grant some people rights and deny some to others, you're wrong.

If you think that any parent should have to file papers to adopt their own child, you're wrong.

If you think that we don't have miles to go before we sleep, you're wrong.

I know that sometimes I've been accused of having a rather inflexible moral compass, and I know that sometimes I come on a little strong, and I know that sometimes I make light of issues that other people are serious about, just to be silly because being silly is more fun than being serious, but I guess I just can't be that today.

And I guess I don't want you to be that, either.

I suppose I've cultivated an audience that doesn't really need to read this piece. I suppose I'm sort of preaching to the choir on this one. But, really, if you think I'm going to stay quiet while the rights of citizens in this country are being blatantly ignored, dismissed or forgotten in the fervent lust for a vote or a payoff or a blowjob or a spiff or an endorsement or a perk, well, you're wrong.


  1. That is just ridiculous! Do couples who use sperm donors have to file for adoption too? How stupid. Then again, how does it work with a surrogate? Not that I think having to adopt your own child isn't retarded, but I guess it makes some, especially if part of the child comes from someone who isn't going to be involved in their life. Probably offers a bit of protection to keep the sperm (or egg) donor from coming back later demanding rights. But if it is your egg or sperm used, that is just stupid.

  2. Um... I'm going to venture that the lady who is having the baby doesn't actually need to file adoption papers, or at least wouldn't were it not for putting the partner in. If I had my kids with someone other than my husband, and he wanted to "be their father" legally, he'd have to adopt them, too. This isn't that far out there. I think it's a sign of progress that they're allowed to both be listed as the children's mothers, because the lesbian couples that I know have only been able to have one mother listed (this is in the South) and it caused big custody problems when one of the couples split. It sucks that they're "not married" by dint of where they live, but if they were a hetero couple using a surrogate with the man's sperm, the wife would need to adopt the baby (or, depending on how the birth certificate was handled, they both would).


Got something to say? Rock on with your badass apron!