My Masonic Vacation

Having queer little psychological personality quirks/disorders is a bit annoying. It's not like a full-blown thing that everybody's heard of that one can read all about and cite clever examples of "famous people who had this Axis and were still cool" or take medicine for in the hopes that symptoms would become manageable.

While I haven't been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I have been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. The main difference between OCPD and OCD is twofold: 1.) I don't do super annoying shit like tap my wife on the shoulder thirty-seven times to make sure she doesn't die today or go around licking mailboxes and 2.) people with OCD have largely unwanted thoughts and/or feel shame relating to the things they do and think-- people with OCPD take pleasure in their rigidity and routines, and often are convinced that their thought processes and behaviors are correct. OCPD is classified by

* feelings of excessive doubt and caution;

(check)

* preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order, organization or schedule;

(check, mostly re: details, rules, order, organization. I'm not big on lists.)

* perfectionism that interferes with task completion;

(check, though it doesn't usually interfere with task completion, but only because I used to take 15-minute lunches)

* excessive conscientiousness, scrupulousness, and undue preoccupation with productivity to the exclusion of pleasure and interpersonal relationships;

(major fucking check)

* excessive pedantry and adherence to social conventions;

(check)

* rigidity and stubbornness;

(CHEEE-YECK!)

* unreasonable insistence by the individual that others submit exactly to his or her way of doing things, or unreasonable reluctance to allow others to do things;

(no check here, I'm way too scrupulous and conscientious to allow myself to insist that others do anything)

* intrusion of insistent and unwelcome thoughts or impulses.

(check. Why, right now, I'm thinking about having impulsive sex with your mother. Think I welcome that?)

While having Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder can be a real drag at times (read "always") the thing that's good about it is that, while my wife and I may very well be in Ireland from now until August 11th, you will benefit from my funny little Axis II, Cluster C personality disorder because you will get a new post every single day we're away!

Vacation? Not from blogging! After all, it's not a job, so why would I take a vacation from it? That would be... oh, what's the word I'm looking for here... unscrupulous!

See, I thought about blogging from my smartphone whilst in Ireland, but the guy with the pussy-tickler at the AT&T store was talking all kinds of smack about purchasing a whole new data plan for some ricockulous amount of money, and I wasn't about to do that. So, what I've decided to do is pre-load a whole mess of blog posts (while under undue preoccupation with productivity to the exclusion of pleasure). I'm doing this on Tuesday, July 26th, which is my last work-day off until my wife and I go bye-byes on the plane. Admittedly, they're not going to be anything like the posts that are traditionally viewed on this site under normal circumstances but I knew I needed to have something new go up here every day because you need something to read.

Oh, no, wait-- that's not why. Oh, right-- it's because I have a fucking DISORDER!

Okay. Good. At least we're being honest with each other. That feels better.

Here's the thing: while I'm away, what I'm going to require from you lot is a bit more audience participation than I normally get around here. I mean, I know that there's folks who like this blog, and read it with at least moderate regularity. There's my main harem of regular commenters: Mrs. Apron, (who, not gonna lie, is, like, as addicted to this shit as she is to GoComics.com) Paige, Curly Su, KLo, etc, and they're pretty much in an ivory tower as far as I'm concerned.

Oh, and there's my troll, who can go fuck himself up his own asshole repeatedly with the pitchfork from "American Gothic".

But, the rest of you need to step up your game a little bit. Because, while under normal circumstances this blog is really about me, we're going to turn the tables a little bit while I'm laughing it up with those crazy, inebriated sheep-molesters (or are those the Scots?). I'm not saying that you have to comment more-- fuck that, commenting is for babies-- I'm talking about participating. See, in order to make the posts that are to come, every day, as scheduled, 7:18am, EST (remeber: DIS-ORDER!) interesting, you're going to have to pitch in.

How?

You'll see.

I love you-- unless you're the troll. I hope your penis gets caught in a sewer grate. And I can say that because I know you're a guy. No girl could be make James Joyce that fucking annoying.