An Award-Winning Disclaimer

A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

My Masonic Vacation

Having queer little psychological personality quirks/disorders is a bit annoying. It's not like a full-blown thing that everybody's heard of that one can read all about and cite clever examples of "famous people who had this Axis and were still cool" or take medicine for in the hopes that symptoms would become manageable.

While I haven't been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I have been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. The main difference between OCPD and OCD is twofold: 1.) I don't do super annoying shit like tap my wife on the shoulder thirty-seven times to make sure she doesn't die today or go around licking mailboxes and 2.) people with OCD have largely unwanted thoughts and/or feel shame relating to the things they do and think-- people with OCPD take pleasure in their rigidity and routines, and often are convinced that their thought processes and behaviors are correct. OCPD is classified by

* feelings of excessive doubt and caution;


* preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order, organization or schedule;

(check, mostly re: details, rules, order, organization. I'm not big on lists.)

* perfectionism that interferes with task completion;

(check, though it doesn't usually interfere with task completion, but only because I used to take 15-minute lunches)

* excessive conscientiousness, scrupulousness, and undue preoccupation with productivity to the exclusion of pleasure and interpersonal relationships;

(major fucking check)

* excessive pedantry and adherence to social conventions;


* rigidity and stubbornness;


* unreasonable insistence by the individual that others submit exactly to his or her way of doing things, or unreasonable reluctance to allow others to do things;

(no check here, I'm way too scrupulous and conscientious to allow myself to insist that others do anything)

* intrusion of insistent and unwelcome thoughts or impulses.

(check. Why, right now, I'm thinking about having impulsive sex with your mother. Think I welcome that?)

While having Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder can be a real drag at times (read "always") the thing that's good about it is that, while my wife and I may very well be in Ireland from now until August 11th, you will benefit from my funny little Axis II, Cluster C personality disorder because you will get a new post every single day we're away!

Vacation? Not from blogging! After all, it's not a job, so why would I take a vacation from it? That would be... oh, what's the word I'm looking for here... unscrupulous!

See, I thought about blogging from my smartphone whilst in Ireland, but the guy with the pussy-tickler at the AT&T store was talking all kinds of smack about purchasing a whole new data plan for some ricockulous amount of money, and I wasn't about to do that. So, what I've decided to do is pre-load a whole mess of blog posts (while under undue preoccupation with productivity to the exclusion of pleasure). I'm doing this on Tuesday, July 26th, which is my last work-day off until my wife and I go bye-byes on the plane. Admittedly, they're not going to be anything like the posts that are traditionally viewed on this site under normal circumstances but I knew I needed to have something new go up here every day because you need something to read.

Oh, no, wait-- that's not why. Oh, right-- it's because I have a fucking DISORDER!

Okay. Good. At least we're being honest with each other. That feels better.

Here's the thing: while I'm away, what I'm going to require from you lot is a bit more audience participation than I normally get around here. I mean, I know that there's folks who like this blog, and read it with at least moderate regularity. There's my main harem of regular commenters: Mrs. Apron, (who, not gonna lie, is, like, as addicted to this shit as she is to Paige, Curly Su, KLo, etc, and they're pretty much in an ivory tower as far as I'm concerned.

Oh, and there's my troll, who can go fuck himself up his own asshole repeatedly with the pitchfork from "American Gothic".

But, the rest of you need to step up your game a little bit. Because, while under normal circumstances this blog is really about me, we're going to turn the tables a little bit while I'm laughing it up with those crazy, inebriated sheep-molesters (or are those the Scots?). I'm not saying that you have to comment more-- fuck that, commenting is for babies-- I'm talking about participating. See, in order to make the posts that are to come, every day, as scheduled, 7:18am, EST (remeber: DIS-ORDER!) interesting, you're going to have to pitch in.


You'll see.

I love you-- unless you're the troll. I hope your penis gets caught in a sewer grate. And I can say that because I know you're a guy. No girl could be make James Joyce that fucking annoying.


  1. Troll make sad...

  2. "Every jackass going the roads thinks he has ideas."
    — James Joyce

    I feel YOU are the jackass Apron! The Trolls and the one going the roads!


  3. I am a Troll with O.C.D. and I cannot believe how narrow minded your views of Troll/Human relations are! I hope you get raped under a bridge by a Troll and have to count how many times he comes on your stupid face.

  4. Je suis un troll vivant en France et trouver vos préjugés dégoûtant. Trolls tous dans le monde entier sont fiers d'être membres de la sous-race humaine!

    Vous pouvez nous appeler noms derrière notre dos, mais tant que ce troll vie vous sera jamais prendre notre fierté.

    Fuck vous MASONIC tarmac et tous ceux qui savent vous! Votre ignorance n'est pas la bienvenue ici. Sous chaque pont vous ont déjà franchi la croix et sera à l'avenir, un troll est en prenant soin de ce pont, vous assurant un voyage sûr.

    Et comment avez-vous rembourser autant de gentillesse et indéfectible vigilance? Acheter se moque la race des "Trolls", qui font cela pour votre propre sécurité CHIALEUX chaque jour!!! BÂTARD !!!

    Pissed off à Paris,
    le docteur Jacques Troll.

  5. Mutherfucker better not go no ghetto troll. Mutherfucker gonna cut a nigger.

    Ghetto Mutherfucking Troll

  6. Voglio che tu sappia che i troll sono tra i migliori uomini che sono sulla faccia della terra. Senza i troll, persone non sarebbe in grado di raccontare un midget da un nano. Vergogna su di voi per cercare di mettere loro!

    Dago Troll

  7. As a Troll who lived in the closet for 20 years I can only say that we shouldn't let the ignorance make us live in hinding anymore.

    Mr Mason...

    I'm a Troll and I'm proud to be one.

    As a message of hope to all Trolls and Bi-Troll/Elfs who are out there reading my words, my message is simply this:

    It gets better.

  8. I cant help but think that people hate Trolls because they don't know enough about them. Please read the following and enlarge your mind:

    Trolls are often tall, lanky, and muscular. They have both elven and orcish characteristics with their fierce fangs and long ears. Their long arms, strong legs and quick reflexes make them adept hunters. Trolls have only two fingers and a thumb on their hands, and they have only two toes on each foot. Like the tauren, trolls do not wear standard shoes or boots, although while tauren are unable to do so because of the shape of their hooves, trolls are simply more comfortable barefoot.

    The forest trolls' bodies can support plant life to a limited extent due to a mutation that took place many millennia ago. A thin layer of moss will inevitably grow on the skin of a forest troll shortly after they are born, giving them their characteristic green coloring. Their moss-like skin color ranges from light green to blue and purple. However, the jungle trolls' bodies are covered in a short, soft fur which cause the trolls to appear purple or gray.[1]

    Although enough physical damage will kill them, trolls can regenerate lost limbs and heal grievous physical injuries at an accelerated rate, giving them a large advantage in battle. Trolls are so well known for their regenerative abilities that alchemical mixtures, which induce regeneration in other races, are referred to as "troll's blood potions," despite not actually containing any troll blood. Militant tribes of trolls are efficient killers and have a strong lust for blood. Some may still cling to their heritage of cannibalism and voodoo.

    Trolls have a characteristic way of speaking. Words like "yo" (a greeting) and "mon" (man) are common expressions. They speak with varying accents that resemble that of Jamaicans and Cubans. Cuban-sounding accents are more common among forest trolls.

    Legends exist that suggest the possibility that the first night elves were pioneering Forest trolls or Dark trolls from the North who settled on the shores of the Well of Eternity. See troll and elven lineage for more information.

  9. My life is fucking hard enough with me being naked, without a haircut for years and the end of a pencil stuck up my ass.

    Fuck off Mason!

  10. كما بالشص عربية ، حياتي صعبة للغاية. لقد شرب الإبل شخ والعيش تحت شجرة النخيل كما انخفض ليست لدينا لذلك لا يوجد المياه والجسور. وأغتنم يصب كبيرة على ما لديك مكتوب.

    علي ترول

  11. Dear Mason,

    As a Smurf who was lived and suffered at the hand of many a troll, I must be the voice of reason. This page has gotten out of control.

    Trolls are the nastiest, meanest, smelliest of all the forest dwelling mythological creatures around! For years, trolls along with Ogres have murdered and rapped the Smurfs without reservation.

    In short, trolls are the Armenians of all the sub-human creatures: they smell bad, look horrible and need to be eradicated.

    Thank you for finally calling out these assholes for what they are. Enjoy your vacation and when you come back to us, fight the good fight!

    Editorial Smurf.

  12. Sad Troll feel somewhat better.


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