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Monday, August 22, 2011

Well, Pour Me a Sippy Cup and Smack Me My Bitchy Up, It's... DEAR APRON!

On Saturday night, my wife and I firmly established ourselves as middle-aged by irreversibly crossing the threshold of American balding/paunchy Hell: American Signature Furniture and, just to twist the broomsticks in our assholes, Raymour and Flanigan.

The most upsetting thing of all? We actually found a couple sofas we didn't detest.

If you feel the need to un-follow me now, I would understand. Just promise me you'll come back every once in a while and slip your sweet, tender fingers beneath my


A friend recently purchased a mother's ring from a pawn shop. When "Caron" told me about it, I told her she didn't have the right to wear one because she's not a mother. I discussed it with some other friends and they agreed with me, but Caron says I "overreacted" and that everyone is on HER side.

Caron says it's "just a ring" with different colored stones and she has every right to wear it if she wants to. The women who agree with me say a mother's ring is set with varied birthstones to commemorate the birth of a child born in a certain month, and that's why Caron has no right to wear it.

Caron says I'm crazy and need a therapist. She's ending our 10-year friendship because I will not agree with her. Am I right or wrong? -- RING OF TRUTH IN ARKANSAS


Boy, am I glad you wrote to me, honey. You have EVERY RIGHT to dictate what other people should or should not buy, and what they should or should not place upon their person. If your friend "Caron" (that's a fabulous pseudonym, by the way) does not understand that a friend is not a true friend unless they're vetting purchases you make at secondhand stores, then she's just no friend of yours.

"Caron" might think that it's "just a ring" but she's wrong. Not only is she wrong, she's dead wrong. In fact, she should be dead. And, when she dies, if she's lying there stinking up that casket and wearing that ring, I want you to go into that funeral parlour and slice it off her finger with a rusty fruit knife.


By the way, you're crazy and you need a therapist.


"Maria" and I lived together for two years. She had wanted eyelid surgery but couldn't afford to pay $5,000. I offered to give her $2,000.

A few months ago, Maria told me she didn't love me anymore. (She now has a new boyfriend.) She called me yesterday evening asking for the money I said I'd give her for the surgery.

Do I owe her this money? She's the one who ended it. I told her to ask her new boyfriend to pay for it, but she claims I need to keep my word. -- SEEING THINGS DIFFERENTLY


Well, I have to tell you, Bucky, if I were in your pants, I'd be seeing things differently, (clever pseudonym, by the way) too. I certainly wouldn't be giving this bitch $2,000, much less $5,000.

See, the thing is, though, you did make a promise you'd help her out with the eye surgery. So, because you sound like a mature, reasonable adult, I'd do what mature, reasonable adults do in most situations: offer a compromise. Tell this rotten skank that, even though she ditched you for that guy with capped teeth and a spray-on tan that you're not going to totally leave her high and dry on this eyelid shit. Make sure she knows that, while you're not coughing up the dough anymore, that you'd be happy to perform the surgery yourself, right in the comfort of her own home.

At-home surgery is nothing new-- the Norwegians have been doing it for centuries (Wackipedia)-- and, if you follow a few simple guidelines, it's perfectly safe.

* Buy lots of plants for the "operating room"

Plants oxygenate shit or whatever. Medical research stuff says that it's really good for patients to be around oxygen. It probably couldn't hurt you, either.

* Be Asian or Indian or something

It's a generally accepted fact that the most competent, skilled and successful surgeons are from "the Orient" or whatever it's called now. Maybe this is just me, but I wouldn't want anybody cutting into my face who wasn't Indian or Asian. Well, except for maybe a Jew. But NOT a Jewish woman. I mean, come on already.

* Make sure the patient is asleep and not dead

Hospitals have expensive monitors and "machines that go 'ping!'" for this express purpose, but, chances are, you've only got a sofa and maybe a couple chairs and a coffee table in your living room. So you're going to have to take care to critically discern whether your patient, (in this case, "Maria") is asleep or dead. While the goal, obviously, is to operate on the patient in the living state, keep in mind that there are advantages to operating on a deceased patient. For instance, if she's dead, then you won't have to be nearly as careful during the operation as you would if she were simply asleep.

Just sayin'.

* Use a pneumatic staple-gun

When completing your surgery, (called "closin' up shop" by the pros in green booties) you've got to staple that bitch's face back together. After hours of tedious, energy-sapping surgery, your hands are going to be as tired as a mothafucka, and, trust me, you're not going to want to operate a manual Swingline. No, for ease, speed, and precision, you can't go wrong with the Pneumatic Crown Air Stapler by Makita.

Pumping out 18-gauge, 1/4-inch crown staples at 120 pounds-per-square inch, the #AT638 is available for only $179.99 (guaranteed lowest price) from Northern Tool + Equipment and is the top-rated pneumatic staple-gun, recommended by 9 out of 10 in-home amateur surgeons.


I love my grandmother, but she constantly puts my grandpa down, even in front of the family. I know some of the harsh words she uses could be resentment built up over the years from past hurts. Still, if she talks so rudely to him when we're around, I wonder what she says when they're alone.

Grandma loves her family very much, especially the two of us grandkids. It just hurts that she's so mean to Grandpa. Immediately after she insults him, I'll ask her why she did it, but she acts like she has done nothing wrong.

I know it must hurt my grandfather to be treated that way so often by the woman he's been married to for more than 50 years. Should I address her about it in private? -- WORRIED GRANDDAUGHTER


You don't love your "grandmother" (awesome pseudonym, by the way), you miserable, disgusting liar.

If you really loved your grandmother, you'd buy her a 115-Volt, 20 GPM Fill-Rite Fuel Transfer Pump.

That's right, model# FR700VNT, available in eye-catching Fire Engine Red from our friends at Northern Tool + Equipment for the low, low price of $519.99 has an explosion-proof (not resistant, proof!) motor with ball-bearings that'll transfer diesel, gasoline, mineral and white spirits and, probably, all manner of bodily fluids.

So tell old Grandmama to say "goodbye" to that pesky Foley catheter, and say "hello" to the Fill-Rite Transfer Pump!!!

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