My Masonic Vacation

Having queer little psychological personality quirks/disorders is a bit annoying. It's not like a full-blown thing that everybody's heard of that one can read all about and cite clever examples of "famous people who had this Axis and were still cool" or take medicine for in the hopes that symptoms would become manageable.

While I haven't been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I have been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. The main difference between OCPD and OCD is twofold: 1.) I don't do super annoying shit like tap my wife on the shoulder thirty-seven times to make sure she doesn't die today or go around licking mailboxes and 2.) people with OCD have largely unwanted thoughts and/or feel shame relating to the things they do and think-- people with OCPD take pleasure in their rigidity and routines, and often are convinced that their thought processes and behaviors are correct. OCPD is classified by

* feelings of excessive doubt and caution;

(check)

* preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order, organization or schedule;

(check, mostly re: details, rules, order, organization. I'm not big on lists.)

* perfectionism that interferes with task completion;

(check, though it doesn't usually interfere with task completion, but only because I used to take 15-minute lunches)

* excessive conscientiousness, scrupulousness, and undue preoccupation with productivity to the exclusion of pleasure and interpersonal relationships;

(major fucking check)

* excessive pedantry and adherence to social conventions;

(check)

* rigidity and stubbornness;

(CHEEE-YECK!)

* unreasonable insistence by the individual that others submit exactly to his or her way of doing things, or unreasonable reluctance to allow others to do things;

(no check here, I'm way too scrupulous and conscientious to allow myself to insist that others do anything)

* intrusion of insistent and unwelcome thoughts or impulses.

(check. Why, right now, I'm thinking about having impulsive sex with your mother. Think I welcome that?)

While having Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder can be a real drag at times (read "always") the thing that's good about it is that, while my wife and I may very well be in Ireland from now until August 11th, you will benefit from my funny little Axis II, Cluster C personality disorder because you will get a new post every single day we're away!

Vacation? Not from blogging! After all, it's not a job, so why would I take a vacation from it? That would be... oh, what's the word I'm looking for here... unscrupulous!

See, I thought about blogging from my smartphone whilst in Ireland, but the guy with the pussy-tickler at the AT&T store was talking all kinds of smack about purchasing a whole new data plan for some ricockulous amount of money, and I wasn't about to do that. So, what I've decided to do is pre-load a whole mess of blog posts (while under undue preoccupation with productivity to the exclusion of pleasure). I'm doing this on Tuesday, July 26th, which is my last work-day off until my wife and I go bye-byes on the plane. Admittedly, they're not going to be anything like the posts that are traditionally viewed on this site under normal circumstances but I knew I needed to have something new go up here every day because you need something to read.

Oh, no, wait-- that's not why. Oh, right-- it's because I have a fucking DISORDER!

Okay. Good. At least we're being honest with each other. That feels better.

Here's the thing: while I'm away, what I'm going to require from you lot is a bit more audience participation than I normally get around here. I mean, I know that there's folks who like this blog, and read it with at least moderate regularity. There's my main harem of regular commenters: Mrs. Apron, (who, not gonna lie, is, like, as addicted to this shit as she is to GoComics.com) Paige, Curly Su, KLo, etc, and they're pretty much in an ivory tower as far as I'm concerned.

Oh, and there's my troll, who can go fuck himself up his own asshole repeatedly with the pitchfork from "American Gothic".

But, the rest of you need to step up your game a little bit. Because, while under normal circumstances this blog is really about me, we're going to turn the tables a little bit while I'm laughing it up with those crazy, inebriated sheep-molesters (or are those the Scots?). I'm not saying that you have to comment more-- fuck that, commenting is for babies-- I'm talking about participating. See, in order to make the posts that are to come, every day, as scheduled, 7:18am, EST (remeber: DIS-ORDER!) interesting, you're going to have to pitch in.

How?

You'll see.

I love you-- unless you're the troll. I hope your penis gets caught in a sewer grate. And I can say that because I know you're a guy. No girl could be make James Joyce that fucking annoying.

You Can Party Now: It's My 700TH BLOGDAY!

I met an old college friend (this phrase implies that I have a bunch of those, just, you know, sort of hanging around. I don't. I have, um, two.) for coffee in Providence on Christmas weekend. A blizzard was beginning, but he still took time out of his day to drive to Starbucks on Thayer Street and meet me. And, after we parted, I still took time to purchase a wool blazer from the 1940s at a second-hand boutique. Because I'm nucking futs.

Anyway, while we made each other laugh like no time at all had passed, assuredly to the annoyance of the other Starbucks patrons, he asked me about my blog, and, because I am an insufferable megalomaniac, I told him about it. He suggested that, one day, I should invite all of my readers (this phrase implies that I have a bunch of those, you know, sort of hanging around) to some random place for a party.

"But, I don't throw parties," I said.

"That would make it even funnier," he expertly countered. Well, he had a point there.

I was uncommonly silent.

"Can you imagine the bizarre mix of people a My Masonic Apron party would attract? People tossing back and forth your gay catchphrases and there would inevitably be this awkward moment where they'd all look at you with the realization that this... awesome schmuck is the reason they're all together? Oh my God, it would be so beautiful."

"Right," I said, "like the Last Supper, only with pork and more clothes. I would insist on fancy dress, and bacon-wrapped scallops."

This happy little reunion got me thinking about what exactly a My Masonic Apron party might look like. As I've said, I'm not so much into the whole party thing. It's distinctly possible that my stodgy side would come out at such an event, causing it to look something like this:

You might think that nobody could possibly have fun at a party like this, but you can tell that they've just come off a totally raucous game of Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Negro-Manservant, and that the tea was damn good.

It should come, I would hope, as no surprise to you that I am incapable of executing anything as self-indulgent as a party for my blog. Believe me when I say that I am perfectly happy celebrating events like my 700th Blogday as I celebrate a lot of small victories and notables: by myself. My wife, in fact, is out tutoring as I bang out this little post, recognizing my little accomplishment, and the fact that there are no random faces around me is really okay. It's kind of how I want it. It's kind of how I run my life. I'm even okay with the fact that there is no food in front of me that is wrapped in bacon.

700 posts. Since March 13th, 2009. Seven. Hundred.

Some sloppy ol' assbubble should be opening up a bottle of champagne somewhere, don't you think?

The plain fact of the matter is: I don't like parties. And I like people about as much. That's not to say I wouldn't like you if I met you-- don't get me wrong-- I just love being at a distance. It's so... safe. That's, after all, what we love about our little internet, isn't it? The safety. The avatarness of it all. The fact that we don't have to answer to anybody except our own demons and, if life gets too hot, there's always that little "x" in the upper righthand corner of the monitor.

x

That's not to say I wouldn't wholeheartedly support your hosting a My Masonic Apron Appreciation Party in my honor. Do it. I encourage this. I endorse it. Have your guests dress up as their favorite G&S character. You be the Duke of Plaza Toro. My reader in Waterbury, CT can be Patience. Tampa can be The Fairy Queen from Iolanthe. Take pictures. Put them up on The Book of Face.

You bring the bacon.

Tell me all about it.

And I'll send content, sincere, half-frown smiles from home.