Well, Burn Me a Cross and Give My Salad a Toss, It's... DEAR APRON!

Ever get the feeling that maybe life isn't worth living?

If so, you should probably consider killing yourself.

BUT, not before getting your fill of...

DEAR APRON:

I have suffered from allergy-induced asthma for 10 years. It becomes a problem only on the major holidays when we visit my mother-in-law. She has two cats and poor ventilation in her house. For years, I have followed my doctor's treatment of inhalers and allergy remedies with slight success.

This last year the prevention methods didn't work. My breathing was labored for several hours after leaving my mother-in-law's house. I am now considering not attending these holiday gatherings unless they are held elsewhere. Any suggestions?
-- FEELING WELL (FOR NOW) IN BUFFALO

DEAR FEELING WELL:

This is a very interesting letter. As a fellow asthmatic, I have similar experiences/sensations. However, my breathing only becomes especially labored when I am making anonymous telephone calls to the residences/cell phones of hot girls I went to high school with. And, it's funny, because there are never any cats around and the ventilation in the basements and abandoned warehouses where I frequently make these telephone calls is relatively sufficient-- you know, for basements and warehouses-- and so the only thing I can think of that is causing the labored breathing is that, while I'm making these telephone calls, I am masturbating to the thought of inseminating these former suburban beauties whilst my other hand is balled up in a fist and is violently inserted inside my own asshole with the lubricatory assistance of "do-a-dollop-of-Daisy" sour-cream. All I can say about all of this is: thank God for speakerphone!

DEAR APRON:

My dilemma is how to deal with rude, obnoxious children whose parents allow them to get away with bad behavior. In my home, I have learned to tactfully tell the kids, "We don't jump on couches, bang on pianos or turn the TV on and off." However, what do I do when visiting a parent whose 8-year-old constantly butts into the conversation and tells the parent and me to be quiet? Of course, the parent stops the conversation and gives in to the child! Do I just suffer through this annoyance, or is there something I can say or do? -- TIRED OF BAD BEHAVIOR IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TIRED OF PEOPLE WHO WRITE LETTERS:

Have you ever tried dressing these eight-year-old children up as Vikings and parading them down your town's Main Street? It may sound unorthodox, but that always works for me when dealing with impetuous little imps. No child wants a roughly-constructed deerskin vest chafing up against his or her burgeoning nipples or the indignity of being marched around with a horned helmet strapped to their head.

If this doesn't work, and they insist on jumping on couches, banging on pianos and turning the TV on and off, I would recommend dressing them up as Scottish folk heroes. And bludgeoning them to death with a half-ton weight of haggis.

DEAR APRON:

Eight months ago, I became involved with "Ted," who was separated from his wife, "Erica." I fell head-over-heels for him, but in the end, he decided to work things out with his wife.

When Ted told Erica about me, she said she wanted to meet me. I decided I owed it to her, so we met. Believe it or not, we hit it off. Within a couple of weeks we were friends.

The problem, of course, is that hanging out with Erica means I also see Ted. I thought I was over him, but recently old feelings have come back and I feel awful thinking about him while being good friends with his wife. I don't want to give up the friendship with her, but being around him is making me sad.

What should I do?

-- DISCONCERTED FRIEND

DEAR DISCONCERTED FRIEND:

Three words: Three. Some. Idiot.

DEAR APRON:

If someone tells a white lie about something trivial, is it because he/she is lazy and wants to avoid conflict? Should the lie be ignored or should I be concerned about trust? -- SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS

DEAR SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS:

I'm so glad you wrote.

If someone tells a white lie about something trivial, it is because they are secretly a member of the opposite gender. And Communist. And, quite possibly, stockpiling weapons. Use EXTREME CAUTION around such people. The white lie about something trivial is actually 9 times out of 10 a smokescreen for a plot involving the smuggling of illegal underage Chinese prostitutes and sneaker manufacturers to build fortified replicas of the ancient Pyramids in a mine-shaft in western Ohio. Notify the bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Fireflies immediately and take shelter in the nearest women's prison, even if you're a woman.

As to whether or not the lie be ignored or should you be concerned about trust, all I can say is this: you should probably consider killing yourself. BUT not before getting your fill of...

DEAR APRON:

I'm only 12 and I feel like my life is ending. I just finished seventh grade, I don't have many friends and I feel like the ones I do have don't really care.

I do gymnastics and volleyball, but my friends there don't really care, either. My family is no help. My sisters are too busy with their friends and boys to care. My parents don't know anything about me. On top of that, there's a boy I like who acts like I don't exist. What should I do? -- FRIENDLESS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR FRIENDLESS:

See above.

By the way, there's a girl I like who acts like I don't exist. I don't mind, though. I just place blocked calls to her home and do a dollop, do do a dollop!