Oops, I Forgot (Yes, It's the Fucking Harry Potter Post)

Well, I really screwed the pooch. In the tushie.

I forgot to get tickets to the premiere of the final "Harry Potter" film for my wife and I.

What a dumb pooch-fucker.

I meant to-- really, I did. But then one thing led up to another or came after another. Or things just kept thinging-- I don't know. It just didn't work out, okay?

And I feel like a moron, because, come on-- it's not like this thing was any great surprise. We all knew it was coming. Just like that leathery old bastard knew the end of the world was coming. I mean, it came. Hello? Where were you? We're all dead. I'm a hologram or whatever. (Holla!) This is the afterlife.

Doesn't it blow?

So, I was thinking to myself, after flogging and otherwise chastising myself for forgetting to purchase said tickets to said major motion picture event, what is the rest of the civilized world who also forgot (or deliberately neglected to) purchase their H.P. tickets going to do instead of going to the movies at the ass-crack of dawn?

Well, for one: I'm going to auto-publish this blog post. Fuck YOU, 7:18am! That's right, my sweet little bitches, we're going for that 12:00am timeslot. So YOU can sit at home with your fingers gently tickling your taints as you read this post!

Aren't you LUCKY?!

Yes. Yes, you are.

Then, of course, you could always spend oodles and doodles of time thumbing through the My Masonic Apron archives! There's so much to read you could make yourself sick-- and probably will, checking out old favorites like the post about thrush, and the one(s) about masturbating! Or how about some of those charming, vintage "Dear Apron" columns. Did you know that I first wrote a Dear Apron column on April 22nd, 2009?

And it was almost funny!

Now, I won't pretend that My Masonic Apron is the only game in town for those of you who aren't gallivanting off to the cinema to see Rupert Grint's voice/testicles descend. There's lots of other fun things to do at midnight in America!

You could...

* engage the professional services of a transsexual, Mexican prostitute

* get arrested

* climb your neighborhood water-tower and wind up living there for an extended period of time eating nothing but Chef Boyardee meals and your own feet

* experiment with Windex and related products

* levitate

* head off to the 24-hour supermarket and do impressions of long-deceased sports announcers for the entertainment-starved 3rd shift cashiers

* take up needlepoint

* drive to the McDonald's drive-thru and order items off the Taco Bell menu

* dramatically recite the 10 Commandments from your rooftop-- better yet, from your neighbor's rooftop

* mow your lawn

* make irrational purchases-- preferably live animals and/or human internal organs-- on E-bay

* practice re-enacting the scene from "The Pink Panther Strikes Again" where Peter Sellers is on the parallel bars, dismounts and descends straight down a flight of stairs-- don't stop till you get the timing just right

* dress your pets up like French Revolutionary War participants-- take lots of pictures for Facebook!

* stage a mock-suicide, replete with fake blood, broken glass, and a heart-wrenching note-- take lots of pictures for Facebook!

* eat everything in your refrigerator. When you're done; eat everything in your basement

* read a good book-- by Karl Marx

* write a TV pilot and email it to all your ex-girlfriends

* run tissues under the faucet and then throw them against the ceiling-- I just remembered that I used to do that as a kid, and it was A HOOT!

* find someone who's sleeping and draw a Hitler mustache on them with a Sharpie-- in case your art skills are somewhat lacking, make a big swastika and write "HI, I'M HITLER" on their forehead

* be Irish or whatever

* go to sleep-- in the bed of somebody's parked pick-up truck. You never know WHERE you'll wake up!