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Monday, July 18, 2011

Clearly, I Can't Handle It

Chances are, you've driven behind one of these at least once in your life and, more likely than not, while doing so, you've wanted to shoot yourself in the face with a large caliber firearm.

It's not the Toyota Camry's fault, though. A Camry, by itself, is an innocuous, inoffensive, typically beige-on-metallic-beige object that, when put in the hands of a Camry driver becomes a trigger for suicide ideation.

But we're not here to talk about the typical Camry driver and his/her insistence on methodically and literally obeying speed limits, their penchant for meandering over the double-yellow, fluttering the brakes or any other annoying motoring habits they have picked up in Camry Driver Education (CDE) class. We're here to talk about the Camry itself. Specifically, the 1991-1996 bodystyle.

Why? Because this blogger is, sometimes, fucked up to the point where said blogger decides to focus his energy and, by proxy, yours, on a car he has never owned nor gives a shit about. Remember, don't blame the blog-- blame the blogger.

Actually, we're not even going to be talking about the 1991-1996 Toyota Camry. We're going to be talking about the 1991-1996 Toyota Camry's exterior door handle.

That's right, you heard me.

This is a 1991-1996 Toyota Camry's exterior door handle. The image is from and I'm willing to bet that these people sell lots of these door handles. Why? Because, a few years ago, I started noticing that many of the Toyota Camrys I see of this vintage have door handles that do not match the rest of the exterior paint color of the car.

Green Camrys with burgundy door handles. White Camrys with black door handles. Blue Camrys with silver door handles. Green Camrys with beige door handles.

And it's usually the driver's door that has the door handle of a different color, because, obviously, that's the door that's used the most, and, thus, most frequently experiences a break.

Now, things break. I understand that. I'm a pretty understanding guy, as guys go, but the number of 1991-1996 bodystyle Camrys I've noticed with mismatched door handles as compared to, you know, every other fucking car I've ever seen says to me that the 1991-1996 Toyota Camry suffers broken door handles at a much more significant rate than other vehicles. And, for one of the most popular sedans of its time (competing for the honor only with the Ford Taurus and Honda Accord) I think that fucking blows.

According to's website:

"No one likes to be inconvenienced. When it comes to your Toyota Camry, there is a variety of mishaps that could occur to cause you to grumble. One of the simplest, yet most aggravating, is a broken door handle. You probably take your Toyota Camry Door Handle for granted, but when it breaks, it becomes painfully obvious."

Yes. I would imagine, carpartswholesale, that it would be painfully obvious. And it's painfully obvious to me that the door handles were designed shittily. I mean, okay, so the floormats of newer Toyotas get caught and the vehicles suddenly accelerate and the braking systems malfunction-- but that's all complicated stuff. I can accept that. This, though? A fucking mechanism that opens a goddamn door? You can't figure that out? I mean, you are Japanese, aren't you?

I wonder if any Toyota executives have killed themselves because of the 1991-1996 Toyota Camry door handle fiasco. I know this isn't going to sound very charitable and trauma-sensitive of me, but I kind of hope at least one did. If not, there's still time. Maybe the Executive Vice-President of the Quality Control division could commit seppuku by inserting a broken 1991-1996 Toyota Camry exterior door handle into his stomach and moving it all around in that shit.

I would watch that.

1 comment:

  1. Can't "handle" it. I see what you did there.

    The Knight's Shining Camry had a driver's side door that broke off. However, instead of going to carpartwholesale and getting the damn thing replaced, he'd either wrench his fingertips under the part that was still in tact and try to get the door open that way, or he'd unlock the doors, make me get in then open the door for him.

    He replaced it shortly after we broke up for the second or third time.
    There's no point to this story.


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