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Thursday, July 21, 2011

I Want to Be a Motivational Speaker or Some Shit

Or, maybe not.

I don't know.

Thing is-- I know I can't do what I'm doing right now forever. It's not a forever job. Most people who work where I work, for whatever reason(s), kind of don't make it to retirement. Chances are, I'm going to leave, either of my own accord far in advance of retirement age, or I'm going to leave of someone else's accord, also far in advance of retirement age. That's just the way these sort of things happen.

And I guess I'm okay with that.

I'll just do some other random-ass thing that has no business amongst the cavalcade of other inappropriate, bizarre, what-the-fuck jobs that have somehow landed on my precious little resume since around the time I graduated college.

Hey-- what's one more, right?

But I was thinking today of things I might like to do that I haven't yet done. Not necessarily things I have a whole kit bag-full of aptitude for-- after all, when has that ever stopped me?-- but things that appear, at least superficially, to be interesting, engaging, challenging, rewarding, fun, stupid, easy, offensive, confusing and/or on-track to keep me flirting with the poverty-line, as I seem to be destined to be for the remainder of my life.

Here's what I've come up with so far:

* A manicurist

No real sound, logical reason for this one, other than the fact that you get to spend inordinate amounts of time with attractive females who give you inordinate amounts of money to paint their fucking fingernails (I do this for my wife for nothing-- and pretty well, too) and I would really be breaking through that cultural stereotype barrier that dictates this position only be held by 17-31 year old Vietnamese women with an English vocabulary of exactly twelve words. I mean, before you accuse me of being a racist bastard, ask yourself how many heterosexual, Jewish male manicurists you know?

* A surgeon

I'll be honest, I just want to cut some sleeping motherfucker's belly open and see all that crazy shit in there. I'm sorry, but that's what I want. I once had the (privilege?) experience of attending an autopsy, but everything was cold and still and nasty and smelled like shit and, well, the motherfucker was dead. I want a sleeping motherfucker. How many times have we heard me say that this week?

* A voice-over actor

Let's face it, I'm awkward as fuck to look at. Those of you who know me know this. But I don't think I'm jerking myself off too badly when I say that I do fabulous voices. I'd happily go off to work for Pixar or Warner Brothers or some shit, have them draw some gimpy-ass cat or a homicidal pelican and have me voice that bastard. I think it would be successful. Just give me a chance!

* A research scientist

That way, I could spend most of my time doing not very much, while justifying it as "brainstorming" or "engaging in hypothetical analysis" and then conduct some inane study on, I don't know, say bats and wind turbines and then ruin somebody's perfectly good idea with the results of my inane study, thus, getting me a grant to do a new one!

* A motivational speaker


* The host of "The Price is Right"

Is everybody in this country completely fucking synapse-fried, or does nobody notice that Drew Carey is single-handedly destroying the integrity of this show? He's spiteful, he's degrading to the contestants, he's brusque and rude, and, worst of all, he's insincere. You can tell by the wan, mincing way he reacts when the female contestants come up and kiss his cheek.

Me? I'd stick at least three fingers up each of their assholes. And I wouldn't be insincere about it either.

* A dockworker

I've always wanted to wear a pea-coat. Do dockworkers still wear pea-coats?


  1. Thanks for this, made me chuckle :)

  2. haha. A motivational speaker commented on your blog. OOPS.

    I'll let you give me a manicure later. Mmkay?

  3. I have exclusive rights to Mr. Apron's manicures unless and until he incorporates and goes professional with the intent of eliminating or reducing manicurist stereotyping behaviors.

  4. Wow-- two women fighting over my manicuring abilities. This is like a dream come true for me. Now if only we could place the two of you in some sort of snake-pit and coat you both in Ranch dressing...

  5. Drew Carey has totally ruined my life by obliterating "The Price is Right."

    I wanna get called to "come on down" just so I can show that asshat how to do his job.

    Please take over this show. And don't let the models get too cocky.

  6. It is good to invite a motivational business speaker when a firm or company needs to start a new project. A true motivational speaker is able to control the butterflies in his stomach.


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