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"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Friends with Benefits

Friends with benefits?

I want some of those!

Oh, not to have sex with-- that's naughty!-- although I am under the impression that this is the universally-understood definition of the term "friends with benefits" (FWB for short).

Sometimes, we go out for coffee. Sometimes, I put my dick inside her and move it around till I cum. Then we joke about videos of cats on YouTube and consume Frito Lay products. Then, I do that thing with my dick again. Then we go out for Fro-Yo.

Yeah, I'm not really interested in that. See-- I'm married. And straight. And male. And Jewish. And I want to paint your fingernails.

(Shhh, that's kind of a secret.)

But I've decided recently, in therapy, actually, that I sort of want friends. So, um, look out. You could be on the short-list. If it sweetens the deal: I often pay for meals/coffee. But, I want my friends to come with benefits. You know, because having a friend that you trust, can talk to about possibly anything or maybe everything just isn't enough of a benefit. Not really. Sharing interests, debating topics, enjoying cultural offerings, sorting through the mysteries and complications of the world isn't quite sufficient. Call me Greedy, but, to quote a certain Mer-person: I want more.

Here's the kind of benefits I'm looking for:

I want a friend from whom I can get a good skin-graft, should the need arise. So, bearing that in mind, I'm going to look for, in a friend, skin that I not only secretly covet, but that could, in the event of an avulsion or other dermatologically-related injury/emergency, look good on me. Hey-- by the way: remember that scene from "Silence of the Lambs"?

Someone who looks good in my own throw-up. This is one of the litmus-tests the Romans used to see if they'd found a friend who was a keeper or not. Think of the number of situations where you could conceivably vomit on a friend. A friend who doesn't get all annoying or bent out of shape if you should happen to raulgpf all over him/her is a major plus, and one that you couldn't possibly ever really appreciate until the time arises. It would be really advantageous and preferable for me to have a friend I can guiltlessly hose with my forceful, rancid emesis.

Having a friend who is more racist than I am would be a significant benefit to me. I think people are self-conscious about just how racist they are, and going out to the mall or to Barnes & Noble with a friend who is just a shade more racist than you are would, I think, greatly decrease any inner pang of guilt or uncertainty you might feel about your own inherent racism. When looking for a friend, remember not to discount the level of their racist attitudes as compared to your own.

Going through life being pally-wals with a miserable, slovenly, coke-snorting, porn-addicted pimple-popper wouldn't hurt your self-image either. Remember: nothing says "SELF-ESTEEM BOOSTER" like being seen in the company of a fat chick.

I think it would be beneficial in lots of ways to be friends with the Pope. Popes, for whatever reason, tend to speak lots of languages, and I can't think of many things that are more beneficial than hanging out with some dude who speaks, like, twelve languages-- especially if you're thinking of doing lots of traveling. Granted, the Pope might be a little bit of a Debbie Downer on a road-trip, but you'll never be at a loss for how to ask important questions like, "Is this soup vegan?" "Where's the toilet?" and "Are you sure you're 18?" as long as your poly-lingual friend is around.

In his funny fucking hat, of course.


  1. Laughter and smiling have a lot to do with sex appeal. Everyone wants to feel better about themselves and about the world around them. Smiles and laughter help create that positive atmosphere and reassure people that you're fun to be with and that you're going to do your best to see the positive side of things even during challenging times. And upbeat people notice the possibilities, something that can take others by surprise and reroute their pessimism. But don't confuse this with forced positive attitudes, or what author Barbara Ehrenreich terms "magical thinking"; that kind of thinking that causes you to see the "glass half full" when it's completely shattered.[1] Rather, this is the kind of positive thinking that emanates from knowing that you're strong, determined, and resilient enough to cope with hardships and that you pick yourself up and learn from life's vicissitudes.

    Laugh regularly because it's good for you and because it's attractive to people around you. Read How to laugh and How to laugh a lot for more advice.
    Smile on the inside. Force a smile even if you're not in the mood for it (think of yourself at your best) and notice how your body starts to change. Carry around an inner smile and it will express itself in the way you hold your body, walk, and react with daily life. Also learn how to smile when you don't feel you can.
    Learn how to smile with your eyes. Model Tyra Banks coined the term "smize" to sum up this very effective and all-encompassing smile.
    Smile in the face of adversity and difficult connections with others. Even if they don't return your smile, it's warming the thaw just a little bit and it's for your benefit to remain upbeat when others are down around you.
    Indulge in being funny and seeing the less serious side of life. Being the tension reliever when social relations take on too serious an edge is bound to draw people to you.
    Don't evaluate humor. Once you start questioning "is this really worth laughing at", you're taking things too seriously and dampening the happy spirit around you. And that's just not sexy. Join in and laugh because it's good for you, good for everyone else, and makes you look fantastic.

  2. Loving humanity as a whole will improve your sex appeal. You're a human, so why is it so easy to make comments like "I hate my fellow human beings, they're all so [...]". It's easy because when we talk like that, we're assuming that people who don't conform to our way of thinking or being, are so unlike us that they're not worth loving. Setting aside those antagonistic feelings lets you open up to love people for who they are. This doesn't mean that you have to like individuals; naturally, there will always be people you don't click with and people whose moral habits are not in line with human dignity but these exceptions are not an excuse for assuming the majority of human beings are not lovable. When you make it clear that you love people as they are, no matter what their achievements, wealth, choices, looks, etc., then you immediately make them feel wanted and at ease. And that makes you desirable.

    Be curious about people. Asking others to tell you more about themselves is a means for getting to know them better and is extremely flattering. Being curious is one of the top means for connecting with other people.
    Facilitate connections with other people. What's just as sexy as being connected to you? Being connected to the people you know! Help others meet the people you believe they'd benefit from knowing. It's relationship building, it's empowering, and it's a way of increasing the people you can rely on too.
    Don't let your experience with one person cloud your experiences with everyone else. Sex appeal can be thwarted by carrying around the emotional baggage from previous relationships and projecting this onto every future prospective romantic and social relationship. Don't allow the tension from one relationship lead you to think that this will infect all relationships.
    Develop graceful ways for cutting things short with people you're not keen to spend more time with. They don't need to feel they're any less a person just because the two of you aren't clicking; be generous in your estimation of them and make the short space of time you do spend with them special.


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