Well, Put on Some Thigh-Highs and Censure My Ass Till it Bleeds, It's... DEAR APRON!

You know what you've done.

You know how naughty you've been all year.

Now it's time to pay the piper. It's time to rob Peter to pay Paul. It's time to get on your knees, tie back your hair, unzip my fly with your teeth, uncoil my--

Oh, um-- sorry...

It's not time for any of that. It's just time for...

DEAR APRON:

My boyfriend's father is very odd socially. If there is a line, he will unknowingly cross it. He has no sense of what is appropriate when it comes to personal space, and his only friends are teenagers. His wife and two grown children are constantly upset with his bizarre behavior, but dare not bring it up with him for fear of hurting his feelings.

As a health care worker, I suspect he has Asperger's syndrome, for which behavioral treatment is available. Must I "just ignore" this man's odd conduct as well? Or should I speak with my boyfriend about my suspicions in order to get his father help? -- NEW DOCTOR IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR NEW DOCTOR:

I don't understand something. If you're a doctor, why did you refer to yourself as a "health care worker" in the body of your letter? Why didn't you just say, "As a doctor, I suspect he has Asperger's syndrome"?

By the way, if his only "friends are teenagers," he's more likely a stinking pedophile than your regular, run-of-the-mill Aspergian gentleman. If you'd said that he loves to go on and on about train arrival and departure schedules at the PTA meeting and/or insists on discussing the finer points of internal combustion engines at black-tie gala events, then, yeah, you've got an Asperger on your hands.

Basically, I think you should probably ignore it. That's what most new doctors would do. Actually, they'd just let their attending handle it. Why don't you try that?

DEAR APRON:

As we head toward Christmas, would you remind people to please treat others as they, themselves, would want to be treated?

I work in retail, and it's amazing how many customers are rude. They don't acknowledge us, they'll talk on their cell phone throughout transactions and become angry at us if something beyond our control goes wrong. If we were to treat them this way, they would surely file a complaint against us.

Apron, can you remind folks to remember what the reason for the season is, and to act toward others with kindness, patience and respect -- no matter what? -- MINDFUL IN FAIRBANKS

DEAR MINDFUL:

Sure, hon-- I'm happy to remind people of the reason for the season. The reason for the season is the Earth's rotation on its axis and its position from the sun. This particular season results because the positioning of the Earth is such that it tilts away from the sun, thus resulting in a colder climate.

For a more detailed description of this phenomenon, please teleport back to 5th grade, and don't forget to keep hri in Christmas.

DEAR APRON:

My wife and I have been married 40 years. Five years ago, she told me she didn't want me in our bedroom and that she is "off limits." She said she is not interested in me "that way" anymore.

Other than that, we have a great marriage and we're best friends, but I can't go on like this. I have suggested counseling, but she refuses to go. What do you think I should do? -- MISSING THE KISSING

DEAR MISSING:

I think you should masturbate. I mean-- hey, I'm doing it right now. And look at how well I'm able to type with one hand!

Sha-ZAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!