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Sunday, December 19, 2010

I'd Like to See...

When you blog every day, sometimes the idea of writing in paragraph format is just a little too daunting. A little too overwhelming. A little too.... para...graph... y.


Scholarly (um, me?).


A little too Ernest Borgnine.

See, I like to free-associate. I'm a free-wheeler. I'm an eighteen-wheeler. I'm eighteen and pregnant. I'm young, dumb, and full of cum. Well, at least the latter two are true. Oh, God-- what am I supposed to do with all this cum?

I would like to donate at least some of it to science or whatever. My wife recently asked me if I'd ever donated semen to a sperm bank. I laughed in her face. I mean, didn't she think that would have come (ha) up in any one of our first month's worth of date conversations? I mean, I'm pretty liberal with information, especially information about my dick and related ballsack. Had she asked, I would have told her. Hell, I would have told her even if she didn't ask. Especially if she didn't ask.

I like to talk about stuff like that. It makes me feel, I don't know-- gay?

In the Victorian sense, of course.

So, right. What I was trying to say was I'm really not feelin' the whole paragraph vibe today. So I thought what I might do would be to compile a list of things/people/instruction manuals that I would like to see. The idea hit me while Mrs. Apron and I were at the gym last night (yes, we still go, thank you, just not as often, thank you anyway) and, on one of the televisions was playing one of the "Pirates of the Carribean" movies. I don't know which one it was, because I've never seen any of them, but it was one with the guy who has an octopus for a face and he kills this perriwig-wearing motherfucker by grasping onto dude's face and neck with his tentacles and shoving said tentacles in dudes mouth and they pop out his nose, which made me laugh on my stationary, recumbent bicycle.

(By the way, I had to look up the spelling of both the words "recumbent" and "stationary", because I am getting progressively stupider, probably due to the inevitable atrophying process of my brain as well as the fact that I watch too many shows on A&E.)

Anyway, while watching this asspirate movie I thought to myself, "Gee, I would really like to see one pirate movie, just one, where absolutely nobody, anywhere, has on a fucking eye-patch."

I mean, really. What is it about being a pirate that makes people so prone to losing one eye? Do those fokakta parrots pirates are required to keep on their shoulders claw out pirates' eyes? Or is it part of some superviolent, homoerotic initiation ritual on pirate ships that involves skull-fucking? I don't know. And I don't wanna know. All I know is that I would like to see....

* A pirate movie where not one motherfucker has on an eyepatch.

* A black, female president of the United States who is not named Oprah Winfrey. One named Pam Grier would be sexcellent.

* Astronauts on a space mission fornicating in zero-gravity. Is it even possible? And would mission control play Barry White music during the event? Come on, you're curious.

* More people say, "I'm sorry." And not just to me, either.

* Chocolate covering every single solitary thing that I eat for one week.

* Probably at least eighty-seven different females from various walks of life in any reasonable and prudent state of undress. (Don't worry, Mrs. Apron, you're on the list.)

* An antique Volkswagen Beetle in my parking pad. (I know I don't celebrate Christmas, but I do make exceptions.)

* My mortgage disappear by fairy magic.

* My grandfather again.

* Kim Jong Il in a bathing suit. NOT a Speedo. Like, one from the 1920's or something.

* Two tortoises doing it. Mrs. Apron and I actually saw this once, at the zoo, and it was hilarious. I want to see it again.

* Two chicks doing it. Sorry, I know that is so predictable, but that is where my mind immediately went after typing the sentence about the two tortoises.

* Actually, scratch what I said about my grandfather-- I don't need to see him again. I would, though, really, really like to meet my grandmother.

* Any car with a Pro-Life bumper-sticker drive above the speed limit.

* Any surviving member from "Monty Python's Flying Circus" for a private tea. Even Gilliam.

* The D'Oyly Carte Opera Company produce a full-scale production of any one of Gilbert & Sullivan's operettas again. They went bankrupt years ago and have ceased fully-staged shows, much to my dismay. I'd even consider getting on a plane to see such a sight.

* A way to get to Europe without getting on a plane.

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