Well, Pickle My Herring and Get Fickle With My Pickle, It's... DEAR APRON!

Sometimes I feel guilty about exploiting yammering nincompoops for cheap laughs.

But, on the other hand: Meh.

It's not a public service. It's not a gentlemanly pursuit. It's not guaranteed to get rid of Herpes. It's not even particularly well-written. It's low, brutal, mean, and easy (yes, just like my mom), it's just...

DEAR APRON:

I am a 60-year-old man with three children. I'm in excellent health and have been happily married for 39 years.

I have a woman friend at work who is 28. We talk a lot, and I buy her chocolate once a week. I have never tried to see her outside of work and don't intend to, but I like her very much.

Is there something wrong with me that I like her so much? I think about her constantly. She says it's no problem. I am so fond of her it drives me crazy. I have no bad intentions toward her, and I'm not looking for an affair. She is just such a sweet young lady.

Is it normal to feel like this? Do you think I should try to forget about her? -- BLUSHING IN SCHAUMBURG, ILL.

DEAR BLUSHING:

I share your confusion over this particularly perplexing problem. Why on earth would a leathery, sixty-year-old schlep with thinning hair and bulging eye-lid veins be attracted to a not-yet-thirty-year-old comely, voluptuous, long-legged employee, with rich, sumptuous hair cascading over smooth, milky shoulders, breasts the shape of freshly-scooped ice cream-- and just as delicious, no doubt-- a firm stomach, toned at Bally's or the like, and alabaster legs that, when delicately uncrossed 'neath her cubicle desk, part to reveal the moist, delicate oracle of Heaven.

Is it normal to feel like this, you ask? Um... no.

DEAR APRON: I am a young mother in my early 20s with two young children and another on the way. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for three years. We have been together since we were young teenagers. Both of us come from single-parent families, and our marriage has been less than perfect.

I work a full-time swing shift. My husband works only a part-time swing shift job. I have asked him to take on another part-time job so we can be more comfortable financially, but he refuses. He says if I want more money in the household, I will have to get a second job.

If it wasn't for our families' free baby-sitting, I don't know how we could afford child care. We have no money in the bank, and we are deep in debt. I feel overwhelmed with too much responsibility and don't know what to do about it. -- ANONYMOUS MOTHER IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ANONYMOUS MOTHER:

You work a full-time swing shift, and your husband works a part-time swing shift? How the hell were you two ever in the same room long enough to make all those goddamned kids? Most of that action must have happened in the school bathroom while you were in the 11th grade, I guess, right?

I fully support both you AND your husband taking on second jobs. Actually, I think each of you should work three jobs. That way, you'll never be home together long enough to make any more children, and even if you are you'll be way to tired to fuck each other, and you'll finally make enough money to start paying off some of your tremendous debt.

By the way, you still owe me $54.60, you raging bitch.

DEAR APRON:

My girlfriend is Jewish; I am not. Her mother recently found out that I am not circumcised. She has been putting pressure on me to get "snipped." Circumcision at my age would hurt a lot. I am not sure what I should do. What do you suggest? -- DOESN'T LIKE PAIN

DEAR DOESN'T LIKE PAIN:

Wow. Your mother-in-law sounds like a real psychopath. Your only option is to one-up her on the Crazy Scale-- and, son, you've come to the right place to find out how to do it.

Tell your mother-in-law that you will only agree to be circumsised if agrees to eat your foreskin.

DEAR APRON:

I am 13 and I have a problem. My mother gave me $20 so I could go Christmas shopping, but I forgot I was Christmas shopping and ended up buying everything for myself. Now what do I do, because she's really mad. -- IN TROUBLE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR IN TROUBLE:

I laughed so hard when I read your letter that I truly almost sharted myself. What a Christmas Miracle you are, child.

"I forgot I was Christmas shopping and ended up buying everything for myself"! Oh, my fucking God. That is so rich, so hilarious, so amazingly beautiful I could just kiss you, right on your foreskin.