Well, Hold Me Close and Help Me Aim, It's... DEAR APRON!

Sometimes, the hair on the back of your neck stands on end when there's a black guy walking behind you. It's okay, you can admit it to me. I won't tell anyone you're a racist scumshit.

Sometimes, you look at porn that your grandmother wouldn't understand. Let's face it, it takes a lot more to get a guy going in these heady days of vulvatic saturation.

Sometimes, you've just got to reach for the needle just to feel anything at all.

And sometimes, just sometimes, you need D.F.A.

Dear.

Fucking.

Apron:

My husband "Zak" and I have been married five years. His brother "Tom" has never liked me. In fact, he went out of his way to ruin our wedding. Just before the ceremony he feigned a dramatic illness, yelled obscenities at my aunt for taking pictures and refused to wear his dress shirt or tie.

Apron, he was a groomsman.

Tom is being married this spring to a woman who likes me even less than he does. I want no part of their wedding, nor do I even want to attend. Zak insists that I go and be "civil." Is my husband right? Should I swallow my feelings and go to the wedding, or am I justified in sitting this one out? -- THE "BLACK SHEEP" IN-LAW

DEAR THE "BLACK SHEEP":

Before I really begin here, I've gotta say, it's so goshdarn awkward writing "DEAR THE 'BLACK SHEEP'" It's kind of like writing "DEAR 'THE TICK'" God... remember that show? Neither do I.

Anyway, you mentioned that Tom "refused to wear his dress shirt or tie" at your wedding. So, are we talkin', like, half-nekkid groomsman? That's pretty awesome. I hear that's pretty much protocol at most Irish Catholic weddings, but usually not until the reception gets going for an hour or two. It's also customary at these soirees to paint shamrocks on the groomsman's nipples-- just for future reference.

Zak would insist that you go to Tom's wedding. He's such a Lego maniac.

DEAR APRON:

I had an affair with a married man for about nine months. I broke it off after finally realizing it wasn't going anywhere and he was lying to me about his intentions. Part of me wants him to feel pain for his actions. I want to contact his spouse anonymously and tell him not to trust him. Most of my friends advise against this, while a few tell me to go ahead. What do you think? -- JOHN IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR JOHN:

I'm confused. You say your name is "John," and yet you write, "I had an affair with a married man."

I don't get it.

Either you picked a very strange pseudonym, or I shouldn't have been touching myself while reading your letter.

DEAR APRON:

I am an 80-year-old woman, happily married for 51 years. The other day, my hairdresser (in her 20s) asked me about my sex life with my husband! I feel this is a private matter and none of her business, but I didn't want to sound rude. Can you think of a snappy answer to such a personal question? -- STILL IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND

DEAR STILL IN LOVE:

You know, I can think of a snappy answer, but I'm much more interested in what you told your hairdresser, since you "didn't want to sound rude." You must have told her something. God, I can't even imagine two eighty-year-olds doinkin'. How do you, like, not break or or whatever? It must be like sliding a Filet O' Fish in and out of a hard taco shell.

Is that what you told your hairdresser it was like? I mean-- it's not particularly snappy, but it is descriptive.

Please stop having sex. It bothers me.