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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Check Out That Ass

Before I took my "Ohmygodi'munemplyedandfeelguiltyaboutblogging hiatus, I had a reasonably good handle on who read my blog.

It took just six weeks away to make me not so sure anymore. I know people are still reading but, now that I'm no longer part of anymore (forgot my login skeez and everything-- which proves that I'm no longer 20something) and now that commentatortots are few and far between, it's harder for me to pinpoint specific, trusty readers with their geolocations on my blog tracker.

I'm willing to bet that most of you are still women. You always were, you know, which is hot. A veritable cadre of freckle-shouldered, spaghetti-strapped (just let me have this, please) women, with billowing tresses falling in front of glimmering eyes scanning the words of an underweight Jewish married guy entering his thirties-- it's, well, it's my version of buying a Miata or something.

Not that I would ever buy a Miata. Stupid jellybean lookin' ass motherfucker.

Which brings me, quite neatly, actually, to the subject of this blog. See, it's a post about cars. I know, I know-- I just wrote something a few days ago about the Mercury Grand Marquis, and I can almost smell you freckle-shouldered lasses rolling your glimmering eyes.

"Oh my God-- another car post? This guy needs to get laid."

Well, we are practicing the art of babymaking, thank you very much. And it requires a fair amount of practice, thank you very much. And my old Etch-a-Sketch helped me figure out a few things, too.

Thank you. Very. Much.

Anyway, I hope that you ladyfolk will bear with me while I get this particular post out of my system (you may have noticed it's gotten off to a bit of a rocky start thusfar) but it's something that's been on my mind for a long time. At the risk of sounding like my father, the American car market is full of dunskies and moronblows. Fortunately, we're wising up a little bit. I mean, Fiat is going to be putting out some awesomeballs new cutietoots in showrooms in the next year or so, which is pretty fucking cool, but we still have a long way to go in t.d.c. (This Dumb Country.)

I can remember a time, maybe three years or so ago, my wife and I were driving up to one of her childhood homes-- the rather inglorious Plattsburgh, NY. As we headed up north and the air got thinner, and as we got closer to Canada, we saw an absolutely adorable 5-door hatchback that neither of us had ever seen before.

"Oooooh! Speed up so we can see more!" Mrs. Apron squealed, jumping up and down in her seat, "That is CUUUUUTE!"

We didn't get close enough to see the model name, but it was a Toyota, and it looked like this:

CUTE, no?

Don't you just want to smear peanut butter on that shit and eat it whilst snuggled up underneath a warm afghan? Mmmmmm!

My wife later went to a Toyota dealership near our house and described this adorable auto to a salesman who told her she must have seen something else-- that Toyota wasn't building anything like that. She was pissed. She has the car gene, she knew what she saw. The next year, though, Toyota released the Yaris in this country. In a pretty cute 3-door configuration, and, eventually, the five-door that was a huge hit in Canada and abroad.

But, they also released this... thing:

Kinda ugly, huh? Kinda boring, yeah? Kinda nondescript, unforgettable, and sort of an abomination before the Lord, mm-hmm?

Right. That's what I thought, too. It looks like a 5-door Yaris that got kicked up the backside. A shame, really.

And they did it with the Nissan Versa, too. The 5-door hatch? Cutetastic! Wanna take it home and play with it (and not in that way) for long time sucky sucky (oh, wait...):

Check out that ass, right? That's one bangin' rear.

The sedan? Ugh, Jesus...


I don't get it. In Europe and Asia, the "sedan version" of these so-called hot-hatches don't exist. Because they're boring, annoying, stupid looking, and inefficient. Yet, Americans still insist on having "the sedan alternative." We are still so reluctant to just give in to the sensibility of the hatchback. Why, though? I don't understand. What is it that we're so diametrically opposed to?

Increased cargo space?

Increased visibility?

Our cars having nicer asses?

One thing's for sure-- my wife's Honda Fit has a great ass. And my next car is going to have a nice ass, too.


Sorry, uh, about the car post. I may be the gayest straight guy you know, but I still love cars.


  1. Ooh, ooh, I know! Call on me!

    The new Ford Fiesta. Why is it that such a cutie in a hatchback also had to come here as a misproportioned sedan with an impossible high decklid?

  2. I have an equinox and i love its ass. not quite a hatchback, but mneh, i love it anyways.

  3. I just stumbled upon your blog, but I absolutely agree! We just got a mazda 3 much more awesome than the sedan! Though husband and I REALLY REALLY want the euro version in diesel, when we asked the dealership if they could get one they had absolutely NO idea what we were talking about!! Ugh! I hate the decision that car companies make for us!
    That was my rant thanks for listening! I'll be following along now....

  4. You should check out the Toyota Passo if you want cute car porn... It's basically a sub-Yaris and I love mine intensely (and it has a nice ass).

  5. OK first have you thought about a SUBARU! nothing close compares... and they don't fault much. I would AVOID with the plague a Toyota... with all the callbacks from nearly every part of the car just different models, makes me weary. We have a 2001 Ford Focus Wagon, we use to have a Honda Civic Hatchback, if you are having kids or atleast planning to put babies in a car, these small hatchbacks are not the deal you want, not if you plan on having a car seat... the police department here in Canada is severely hardcore. But we have the Lemon Ford Focus for the year we got, but the newest models I have heard are kick ass... they have zero failure rate, their economical... just think about it.

  6. God-- I love when people take me seriously. It's like a lunar eclipse or something.


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