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Sunday, December 13, 2009

I'm Frightened

It's true, folks. I'm very, very frightened.

Hold me.

I think.... I think..... Dick Wolf may be God.

I think he is trying to eat our brains through his numerous and bountiful "Law & Order" incarnations. I think he is trying to use Ice-T and the Belz as vehicles or body-pods to spread his metaphorical (and literal?) tentacles across the globe for the purposes of international, and possibly intergalactical domination.

I think he wants us to bow to him and eat our own children while muttering his name.

Sorry-- His name.

Dick. Wolf.

Speaking of his name: look at it. It is the essence of virility and dom. What do you think of when you hear his name-- I mean, besides Detective Stabler getting shot every third episode-- you think of a throbbing, veiny, bulbous cock, coupled with an insidious, salivating, stalking woodland creature, ready to pounce on you and eat your kneecaps-- possibly while raping you.

This is no coincidence.

I also don't think it's any coincidence that he's basically overlording over cable and network television at the same time. You can watch some iteration of "L&O" at any time the clock might read-- in fact, you can even invent a time that doesn't actually exist, turn on your television, and you'll be assaulted with a snarky interrogation room tango or the late Jerry Orbach's teeth. Try it at home, if you dare-- make up a time and see what happens.

I...... I think you will need to be held.

He's probably inserting subliminal messages into each episode-- he's doing it right at this very moment. No doubt his production meetings take place underground, and the writers wear crimson-colored hooded robes and chant his name while playing with themslves with one hand and ritually strangling kittens with the other. And there's Dick Wolf, at the head of the table, laughing hysterically-- rubbing apple sauce onto his nipples while he sets fire to Saturn simply by lifting his right eyebrow.

You know it's true.

You know he's eaten S. Epatha Merkerson's brain years ago and all that's left inside her cranium is Dick Wolf's vomitus, sloshing around in there every time she does a prescription drug commercial-- which only further his mission of total inter-global conquest. He will not stop until he's feasted on the brains of not only every fictional homicide detective in his faux-NYPD, but every wide-eyed actor and starlet who comes to New York dreaming of being on Broadway, but gets stymied as either a rabid psychopathic rapist or a bloodied, semenized victim, staring up at the fluorescent lights of the basement morgue.

Have you ever wondered why every single actor you ever see in a play in NYC has a "Law & Order" credit in their bio? It's because it's their first stop on the train-track to Hell. It's because Dick Wolf is always hungry for brains.

Blessed be He.


  1. Sounds like dick wolf would be another name for a ravenous drunken cougar ...hahahah

  2. Ice T is truly one of the worst actors ever...well, except for maybe Britney Spears or George Strait. Some musicians should never try to make the leap from performing on stage to on camera (huge exceptions being Bette Midler and Barbara Streisand)...

    Been burned out on L&O for about five years now. The only enjoyable part to me is the "Bom bom" at the opening of every scene and the eye candy that is Benjamin Bratt. Yummy.

    I know. I'm a little superficial. It's a work in progress.

  3. I feel ashamed for having no idea who Dick Wolf is...


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