This Sucks

I try to keep up with crime stories that come out of my native Philadelphia, but it isn't easy.

We have a colorful variety of criminal miscreants that populate neighborhoods with quaint sounding names, like "Strawberry Mansion" and "Nicetown." Trust me-- the only strawberries you'll find in Strawberry Mansion aren't fit to eat and Nicetown is a misnomer at best.

Even I, who avidly follows stories of misdeeds by Philadelphia's more violent residents in the local rags was unfamiliar with the name Richard Casey until I stumbled upon an article concerning his sentencing for crimes he was found guilty of committing from November of 2006 to January of 2007.

The headline of the article caught my eye which, as any greenhorn, wet-behind-the-ears, rookie, non-Columbia-University-affiliated journalist will tell you is the point.

TOE-SUCKING FIEND GETS 57-114 YEARS

And I thought to myself, "Wow. When they say Philly's getting tough on crime, I guess they mean it."

Of course, we all know that headlines don't tell the whole story. Otherwise they'd be called Whole Story Lines, which isn't very catchy.

Richard Casey didn't just suck on peoples' toes. He attacked women at gunpoint as they walked alone on streets in their own neighborhoods, robbed them, sexually assaulted and/or raped them, and then, in the midst of these horrific and scary crimes, ordered them to remove their shoes so he could lick the bottoms of their feet and suckle on their toes a bit, before fleeing into the night.

Now the sentence seems to make a little more sense, doesn't it?

This is, of course, what's wrong with the media today. They have even dubbed him "Richard "The Foot Fetish Bandit" Casey." I mean, how ridiculous is that? As far as I know, sucking on somebody else's toes isn't even a felony-- it certainly isn't when you're two consenting adults and you're doing it in bed while hanging from a harness with a pear shoved in your ass and a studded choke-collar wrapped around your genitals.

So I hear.

It just seems to me that the the fact that this fruity sonofabitch likes to insert toes and feet into his oral cavity is the most insignificant, inconsequential part of his crime spree. Helllloooooo? These women were fucking raped at gunpoint! Maybe that's why he's getting locked away until he dies. Maybe that's the bigger issue here. But this is what the media does, time and time again, take a story and focus in on some otherwise minor, titillating detail that has no relevance whatsoever and make the entire story about that. Tiger Woods crashed his car at 2am into a fire hydrant.

Yes, but his wife got him out using a golf club! Or she hit him with a golf club! Or there was a golf club somehow invloved!

Of course there was, motherfuckers! He's the golf Jesus of America! You use whatever happens to be lying around, don't you? If he was the porn Jesus of America, his wife would have used a 3 foot dildo shaped like a pickle to break the car window.

God.

Getting back to "The Toe-Sucking Fiend," I can't imagine the emotional and physical pain and horror this maniac's victims went through. I can only presume that, when you've got a gun stuck in your face, you're thinking that every passing second could be your last on earth. I can only pretend to know the vulnerability and the shame of being robbed of all the possessions you carry with you everywhere you go-- your ID, your phone, your money, your family pictures that you stuff into your wallet. I can only think that as you're being molested by some crazy bastard in a back alley that you feel you will never, ever be the same person you were before, that you will never be able to know safe, comfortable intimacy with your spouse or your partner ever again.

Now we have to insult and demean these women by issuing "news" articles calling the animal who robbed them, raped them, and threatened their very lives a "toe-sucker?"

He's just another goddamn criminal. Just another piece of shit, thankfully cleaned off our Philadelphia streets.