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Monday, December 7, 2009

Best App Ever, Man.

Who am I to give advice to Apple?

I mean, with their cutsey, for-girls-only white laptops and their touchy-touch-touch phones that play music and bring you to cross-continental orgasm-- they seem to be doing alright without my help.

I mean, Steve Jobs doesn't seem to be doing very well, but he may need hemodialysis more than he needs my suggestions about product enhancement.

Then again, whether my help or wisdom is needed or not, this is my soapbox, my "column," my blog, and so, when I have something to say, it's at least going to be welcomed here.

Last night, I thought of the greatest App in the world. Unrivaled in functionality, unparalleled in brilliance and unmatched in immediate worldly necessity-- this is no App that helps folk singers at open mic nights tune their guitars or helps recently graduated theatre-majors find 3-star sushi in the Village.

No, this is an App designed to help all of us: you and me.

Ladies and gentlemen, behold:

The Shut-the-Fuck-Up App.

Yes, it's all the app'age you could ever hope for, and more: The Shut-the-Fuck-Up App. You need it, the world needs it. In an age where so many annoying, obnoxious people are filling the airwaves, and taking up your airspace with inanity, banality, puffery, stuffery, insidious and mindless chatter and clatter, when the world is a cacophany of pernicious gossip and irritating Starbucks drink orders, what you need is the Shut-the-Fuck-Up App.

Best of all, if Jobs and the rest of Apple Nation jumped on my idea now, it would be ready for public consumption by Christmas. And what better answer could there be to strip-malls playing rampant and unending holiday music through their loudspeakers? The Shut-the-Fuck-Up App!

Here's a small list of people who would definitely be receiving the Shut-the-Fuck-Up App this holiday season from me, wrapped with a red bow:

Tareq and Michaele Salahi

Tiger Woods

The Tiger Woods Inseminated Debutante Society, Ltd.

Meredith Vieira

The People Screaming Outside "The Today Show" During the Weather Report

Sarah Palin

Nicholas Cage

The Cast & Writers of the Last 15 Years of SNL

My Alcoholic Aunt

Brad Pitt

The Woman on my Street Who Congratulates Me for Picking Up My Dog's Shit

Oprah (& her associated Frankensteinian creations)

The View

Howie Long & Those Awful, Smug Chevy Commercials ("It's Self-Propelled!")

People Who Talk Shit About NPR & Have Never Listened to It

Santa Claus

Your Goddamn Zhu-Zhu Pet

The People Whose Starbucks Drink Orders Take Longer to Recite than Most Tests of the Emergency Broadcast System

Mumia Abu-Jamal (& Friends)

People Who Take Pleasure in Relating Mother-in-Law & Old-Ball-n-Chain Jokes

Sarah Palin

(Yes, I know she's on there twice. Wouldn't you like to give it to her twice?)


and last but definitely not least,

Your Mom.

Happy Holidays from My Masonic Apron, and get your Shut-the-Fuck-Up App today!


  1. Oh, Apron.

    (I feel like all my comments start with "Oh, Apron" but it's an endearment so that's okay)

    Oh, Apron you have the best ideas and no big money funding them. This is one of your most subtly brilliant I do believe.

    Though, I would like to give one of these apps to all the people that talk about their iphones like it's the best thing since sliced bread. Whatevs people, sliced bread was awesome, NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO BEAT THAT. I've got a little sony ericsson and it DOES THE JOB okay? Okay.

    Happy Holidays Apron.

  2. Oh, Lindsay--

    You're so right. The only thing standing in front of me and utter world domination is money.

    And maybe that's a good thing.

    I wasn't cut out to be a dom anyway.

    Very, very happy holidays to you, too. We fly, we crash, we repeat. And, in between, we eat yule log or whatever.

  3. Birdykins, I'm writing this comment on the metro, using my iPhone. And while I would never compare it to the moist and supple comfort of sliced bread that I've come to depend on for such things as lathering peanut butter and jelly all over, and biting holes into for fun snack time masks, I'm going to go ahead and say, it's pretty fucking dope. I mean, is this the future? Is Marty fucking McFly going to show up with Doc and steal this thing out of my hands, to escape from some pack of goons, by using it as a hover board?

    And Apron, The View I get, but Meredith Vieira? Even as played by Molly Shannon?

  4. I don't know who half of those people are, but I'll fight to the death for your right to make them STFU.

    Except my Mum, she says you are her best customer.

  5. Jay--

    Really? I'm surprised to hear that. I haven't paid my outstanding tab in quite a while.


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