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Sunday, December 20, 2009

My Sister; The Writer

If you think I'm the only person in my family who's a wordsmith, you're wrong, damnit.

My eldest sister, whom I introduced to you a few posts ago (and who is not autistic, Jay) is quite a pronoun princess in her own right. She probably could have been a pretty decent professional writer, but, then again, so could Mitch Albom.

So enamored I am with her own quaint, eccentric skills with the written word, I am content to let her take over for me here at My Masonic Apron. After all, it's a snowed-in Sunday, and nobody's reading blogs on a snowed-in Sunday anyway, right? You're out chopping wood or sipping lattes on your microfiber couches whilst lazily glancing at the New York Times book review section or fornicating through strategically-placed holes in your flannel L.L. Bean adult onesies.

Actually, most of you are probably reading blogs. Losers.

But, you're lucky that you're doing that today, because you get the rare treat of two members of the Apron family for the price of none. On Friday, my sister had to take her BMW in for service, and she was given a Mini Cooper as a loaner car, and she informed me of this via email. I emailed her back and said, "Oooh, a Mini? What's it like?" Six minutes later, I received this reply:


The outside is white (dirty) and seems to me to be a bit creamy.

Black top.

The inside is black—the rental man said it’s leather seating---hrumph.

Here is a picture of the dash & you can enlarge the photo I think to see the details: the dash controls stuff lights up the red color of my car that you saw.

Weird to me that the tachometer is above steering wheel and the speedometer is off to the side, smack in the middle of the dash---looks like a Produce Scale!!!!!

Check out the gas gage in the middle of the speedometer. The slots light up.

All the controls are in the middle too, like the window rolldown (which is a silver metal switch like in old sci-fi movies) switch, etc.

They do have a circular computer key which you insert the whole piece and then push the “Start Engine” button like in my & Dad’s cars.

I guess it has antilock brakies because I almost had an accident on the way to work and I had to stand on the brakes and it made that grinding sound……

I kind of feel like I’m driving in something from Hammacher Schlemmer catalog --hahaha

In the photo, there are radio buttons on the steering wheel……in the one I have there are NOT, but there are shift paddles above the cross bar….the rental man said he didn’t know anything about them.

I don’t know if the top comes off or not, because there are switches above the rearview mirror & I don’t know what they are for.

The heat is barbas*—my fingers were frozen, but the seat warmers work and have 3 settings like the ones in my car now.

The radio station display looks like the one in my car, but the controls are all silver and instead of old timey looking, I think the looks & feel is space-age.

Is this a rear wheel drive car? Don’t know.

Sister Apron"

* The word "barbas" is a touch of Apron-speak. It means "shitty."

Raise your hands if you think my sister should quit working for my dad and get a job at "Car & Driver."


  1. my favourite part when the bit about STANDING on the brakes. hee!

  2. but minis look so cute, they must be awesome. Right?! RIGHT?!

  3. I drive a mini...honestly....It's SOOOOO fun, shifting gears and zooming in and out of traffic...And my controls are not silver. They are "a metallic grey". :-)

    I live in Fl. so the heater being shitty isn't that big a deal. I'll tell you what DOES suck and that's the windshield wipers. There are three speeds: Off, fast and really fast....

  4. Still think she's autistic. You ask "What's it like?" and she gives you details. Lots and lots of detail -- but no indication of emotion.


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