A Most Regrettable Obituary

NEW YORK - Officials representing veteran TV producer Dick Wolf have confirmed reports that "Law & Order" has died. It was 20 years old.

The death occured Friday, May 14th, on a New York City Street which was roped off with police tape and marked with film permit signs taped to telephone poles. Police officers at the scene, too distraught over the possible loss of their Actors Equity and Screen Actors Guild Cards, would not comment on the record about the loss. One of them spoke under the condition of anonymity.

"This fucking sucks! How am I supposed to audition for 'Jersey Boys' without a L & O credit after my name? I'll be the only asshole there without one!"

Born in 1990, "Law & Order" lead an exciting existence in a bizarre, fantastical world where every person in a leather jacket is a thug, a New York City police officer fires his gun every day, and Ice-T is considered an actor. It is also a world where people routinely open fire in courtrooms and swear without actually swearing.

Even in its infancy, Gilbert & Sullivan-esque topsy-turvy plot twists were the order of the day for this imaginative show, featuring a mix of wry humor, comical sexual tension, and submental dialogue. The show also introduced to the greater civilian populous the notion that Jews could actually become police officers, an idea propogated by the existence of Richard "The Belz" Belzer.

Way to strike a blow for the Heebees, Belz.

Just when it seemed like Jerry Orbach would never work another day in his life after "The Fantasticks" finally closed after its 4,324,922 performance, "Law & Order" was there to give his career another shot of Thorazine. If watching an elderly man whose face resembled that of Mr. Ed chasing around leather-jacket-wearing unshaven felons down fire-escapes while wearing adult diapers is your cup of tea, then "Law & Order" was the pot that might contain such tea, were you in the mood for that cup of tea at the particular time that a Jerry Orbach episode of "Law & Order" was on any number of 16 stations.

Indeed, the show will be sorely missed for the acting dumping ground that it was by every emaciated, cocaine-addicted, syphillis-carrying ex-theatre major living with eight other knucklefuckers in a leaky apartment in Hoboken. Now, all they have to look forward to is an embarrassing eleven seconds on "American Idol" or getting salad dressing poured into their gaping assholes on the floor of an apartment owned by some obese guy named Genaro who's only wearing a KKK mask and holding a Flip video camera in his right hand and a molasses-slathered pair of French Ticklers in his left.

Truly, without "Law & Order" the world has been diminished. In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to "Oh, My God, Stabler's Been Shot in the Shoulder Again" Fund, a registered 501(c)3 non-profit entity.

I'm Frightened

It's true, folks. I'm very, very frightened.

Hold me.

I think.... I think..... Dick Wolf may be God.

I think he is trying to eat our brains through his numerous and bountiful "Law & Order" incarnations. I think he is trying to use Ice-T and the Belz as vehicles or body-pods to spread his metaphorical (and literal?) tentacles across the globe for the purposes of international, and possibly intergalactical domination.

I think he wants us to bow to him and eat our own children while muttering his name.

Sorry-- His name.

Dick. Wolf.

Speaking of his name: look at it. It is the essence of virility and dom. What do you think of when you hear his name-- I mean, besides Detective Stabler getting shot every third episode-- you think of a throbbing, veiny, bulbous cock, coupled with an insidious, salivating, stalking woodland creature, ready to pounce on you and eat your kneecaps-- possibly while raping you.

This is no coincidence.

I also don't think it's any coincidence that he's basically overlording over cable and network television at the same time. You can watch some iteration of "L&O" at any time the clock might read-- in fact, you can even invent a time that doesn't actually exist, turn on your television, and you'll be assaulted with a snarky interrogation room tango or the late Jerry Orbach's teeth. Try it at home, if you dare-- make up a time and see what happens.

I...... I think you will need to be held.

He's probably inserting subliminal messages into each episode-- he's doing it right at this very moment. No doubt his production meetings take place underground, and the writers wear crimson-colored hooded robes and chant his name while playing with themslves with one hand and ritually strangling kittens with the other. And there's Dick Wolf, at the head of the table, laughing hysterically-- rubbing apple sauce onto his nipples while he sets fire to Saturn simply by lifting his right eyebrow.

You know it's true.

You know he's eaten S. Epatha Merkerson's brain years ago and all that's left inside her cranium is Dick Wolf's vomitus, sloshing around in there every time she does a prescription drug commercial-- which only further his mission of total inter-global conquest. He will not stop until he's feasted on the brains of not only every fictional homicide detective in his faux-NYPD, but every wide-eyed actor and starlet who comes to New York dreaming of being on Broadway, but gets stymied as either a rabid psychopathic rapist or a bloodied, semenized victim, staring up at the fluorescent lights of the basement morgue.

Have you ever wondered why every single actor you ever see in a play in NYC has a "Law & Order" credit in their bio? It's because it's their first stop on the train-track to Hell. It's because Dick Wolf is always hungry for brains.

Blessed be He.