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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

What Are You Searching For, America?

While Mr. Apron is hip, snarky, up-to-the-minute and checks his email using Gmail, I, the scoliosisy, asthma-afflicted, mild-mannered human doppelganger utilize Yahoo! Mail, as I've done since the year 2000, when I became convinced that Y2K was going to assrape my Hotmail account and destroy all my rejection emails from publishing companies, law schools, area non-profits and girls.

Because I use Yahoo! Mail, I am treated to an endless supply of ridiculous, thoroughly un-newsworthy Yahoo! News headlines, such as

"NFL Team's Disastrous Trick Play"

"Regifting Rules to Abide By" and

"Wacky New Year Glasses Live On For 2010 Despite the Pesky '1'"

(I swear to God, these are all real. If I'm lying, let my dick turn into a clown's nose.)

Not only do I get to be kept informed of the latest happenings in the vast and colorful world of newsyfluffnotainment, I get a helpful little box in the upper righthand corner of Yahoo!.com called "Web Pulse." It's a list of 10 persons, places, or things that are, presumably, the hottest Yahoo! searches of the moment. Here's what people are getting all searchy about today:

1.) Alaina Reed Hall

2.) White House Christmas

3.) Heath Ledger

4.) Serena Williams

5.) NFL Power Rankings

6.) Christmas Cupcakes

7.) Brady Quinn

8.) Susan Boyle

9.) Stonehenge

10.) Citibank

That, I think, gives you a pretty solid idea of where we Americans are as a society. My first reaction upon digesting the compendium of terms and names that make up this list was,

"Stonehenge?! What the fuck is that doing there?"

Then again, maybe I have underestimated us as a people. But probably not. Stonehenge is probably the nickname of some gay porn star wrestler who spraypaints his balls gray.

I think it's very interesting to have this little "Web Pulse" at my disposal, because it gives me a good idea of what makes the web-crawling populous tick. Not that I especially need to know, but I like to nonetheless. The Web Pulse gives me a window not only into the lives of people out there, but it gives me a more accurate picture of where I stand amidst the throng.

It usually lets me know that I am out-of-touch. For instance, on this particular sampling of the Web Pulse, I did not know what 3 out of the 10 items meant. I don't know who Alaina Reed Hall is, I don't know who Brady Quinn is (I don't even know if it's a guy or a girl), and I don't know what the NFL Power Rankings are, although I'm going to go tap-dancing on the ice and guess that they have something to do with professional football.

I'm going to go Googling these three terms and educate myself-- and I'm going to go Googling because people don't go Yahooing. Sorry, Yahboys.


So, when you Google "Alaina Reed Hall," the Google search bar suggests that you might want to Google the following:

Alaina Reed Hall wikipedia
Alaina Reed Hall husband
Alaina Reed Hall pics


Alaina Reed Hall breast cancer

See? The internet is fascinating. I'm in the nascent infancy of my Alaina Reed Hall education, and, without having clicked "Search" I already know that she has a wiki entry, a husband, pics, and breast cancer. This is going to be fun!

Aaaaaaaaand........ SEARCH!


She's the woman on Sesame Street who just died. Of breast cancer. Well. That's depressing.

Moving on-- who's Brady Quinn? Sounds like someone who either plays baseball or is on "American Idol."

Aaaaaaaand........ SEARCH!

Hey! Look at that! He plays fucking football! I was so close! Maybe he's power-ranked or something. There's a whole shitload of stats and shit on his Wikipedia page that I don't understand, but I do understand that he's dating Olympic gymnist Alicia Sacramone whose name, I'm sure, has seen its fair share of time up on Yahoo's! Web Pulse.

And, last but not least, to complete my education for the day.... NFL Power Rankings. Oh, things I put myself through for you....

Aaaaaaand......... SEARCH!

Oh my God.

I think my cerebellum just exploded and is leaking down my spinal column. This is about ten trillion times more confusing than Brady Quinn's Wiki-page.

I'm frightened, Mommy.

Fortunately, there were plenty of items on this Web Pulse that I did understand-- like Christmas cupcakes, which even a slithery little Jew like me knows are delicious! Mmm! I wanna take a big red velvety bite out of Santa's big ol' sleigh-ridin' butt!

I also definitely understand peoples' desire for harmless voyeurism by learning all about what a White House Christmas must be like. How do the servants set the silverware? Are they going to use crimson damask napkins? What will the centerpieces be like? What will Michelle Obama be wearing? Will Secret Service agents wrestle Santa to the ground, water-board and interrogate him about the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden? Who will slice the Christmas ham?

Even though I'm admittedly out-of-touch, I think I even know why people are searching for Serena Williams. She's been in the news lately because she unleashed a foul-mouthed, Dear Apron-like tirade at a line judge during a game a while back, threatening to kill her and stating that she was going to shove a fucking tennis ball down the bitch's throat, or something to that effect. The tennis overlords came down hard on Serena and fined her a shitload of money, which she will probably proceed to shove down other line judge's throats.

Americans like it when athletes go apeshit. We also like it when they have hot wives and fuck lots of other hot chicks, and some who are not-so-hot, too, and some who look like they couldn't even get a day-shift at a local beaver hut in Paducah, Kentucky.

As for searches for "Susan Boyle" and "Citibank," I guess that's just a reflection of the American public's two most frequently-asked questions these days,

"Ugly people can be talented?"


"Where the fuck did all my money go?"

I was somewhat surprised and yet heartened to see Heath Ledger ring in at number 3 on today's Web Pulse. Only in America can you be dead, and named "Heath," and still be the third most searched item on the Yahoo! Web Pulse.

Good for you, Candy Bar Dead Guy.


  1. You've enriched us all with this informative post. I just learned three new words: assrape (which I always wrote separately but is apparently a compound word), doppleganger, and newsyfluffnotainment, all of which come up as misspelled as I type.

    And I've seen those 2010 glasses, the ones with the pesky 1, and they look flat-out ridiculous. I think I'll stick with my vintage 2009s.

  2. Dear Colleen,

    Thank you for bringing my careless spelling to my attention. I did indeed spell "doppelganger" incorrectly, and this has been rectified.

    "Newsyfluffnotainment," however, is spelled correctly and "assrape," I think, is a matter of personal taste, for those with personal taste.

  3. I really hope I get my very own 2010 glasses this year. Or a tiara. I like those.

  4. Apron, for once I as not being facetious; I had never heard the word doppelganger before today and I certainly didn't notice that it was misspelled.

    I enjoy your lexicon.

  5. i don't think it is okay for you to offer up your dick to be turned into a clown nose. i think that mrs. apron has right of refusal on such offers. ;)

  6. I think that Brady Quinn thought I was stalking him in 2005. I kept (literally) bumping into him when I was walking into the building I was teaching in. That now brings my professional athletes I've bumped into total to two. Woo. I'm ever so excited, can't you tell?

  7. I think 'assrape' is a viable word.
    Apron (I think we're past the formal address)I'm fascinated by this, it's one of those things that probably has a pretentious media buzz-word or -phrase like 'Social Zeitgeist Feed'.

    It still baffles me your Nation's fetish with SuBo. I mean, she's an average-looking person with an above-average voice. Maybe her rags-to-riches 'anyone can do it' is in synch with the American Dream.

    I wonder what the Yahoo Pulse would have to say about Ireland, or England. Hmmmm

  8. There is a movie named "Doppelganger" that came out in '93, starring Drew Barrymore, which is why I know what that means...:-) A * cinematic wonder, really.

    *please catch the sarcasm....


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