Ya Know What I'm Thankful For, Bitches? That's Right: DEAR APRON

You know what this is. You know why you're here. So let's take some letters that were written into Dear Abby, turn them up on their asses, and shove in a festive gourd!

It's DEAR APRON time!

DEAR APRON:

Our family has had a difficult year. We have gone from one drama or trauma to another, but have always managed. There's one issue, however, that I can't fix. My husband, "Arthur," can't keep our problems private. He seems compelled to tell EVERYONE he meets about what's going on in our family.

I have told Arthur repeatedly, "What happens at home should stay at home," and begged him not to take our problems to the neighbors, who have enough of their own. It's embarrassing when our friends, neighbors and extended family are informed about the dramas going on in our home. But Arthur becomes defensive when I tell him I don't like it and says he won't stop -- that I'm being "too sensitive."

Apron, I feel my husband's blabbing is disloyal. I'm worried that he is ruining our reputation because he can't keep his mouth shut. Please help. -- TOWN CRIER'S WIFE

DEAR TOWN CRIER'S WIFE:

Well, Hon-bun, I don't know exactly what you expected here. I mean, after all: you married the Town Crier. In case you didn't know, informing the town of all the latest news is actually "Arthur's" job. Why, in Medievel England, where many people could not read or write, the town crier was the only method by which the uninformed commoners could gain any information whatsoever about local events.

Instead of whining about how "Arthur" goes around blabbing about your daughter's heroin overdose, your son's unfortunate habit of attempting to sire lamp-posts, or distributing the YouTube link for streaming videos of your hysterectomy, you should be grateful that you married a man who performs such a vital public service to the community.

Next thing we know, you'll divorce "Arthur," shack up with Brian Westbrook and then start writing pissed off letters to me because he's always off scoring touchdowns and purposefully running head-first into other black guys.

Jeez!

DEAR APRON:

I am a single mother finishing my undergraduate degree in English. I have a 6-year-old son. His father, "Gil," and I are on great terms. We kept everything out of the courts, and he pays me monthly child support. Gil sees our son whenever he likes, which is often.

I have an opportunity to go to law school 200 miles away, and I'm considering leaving my son with his dad to do so. I have no problem taking him with me, but as parents we thought that uprooting our son for three years was not a good idea.
I am doing this for my son. I come from a poor family, and I am the first to graduate from college. A liberal arts degree won't afford me much in the future. Gil's income is "fair," but neither of us has any real security.

I trust Gil when he gives me his word on an agreement. Many of my friends are supportive, but some of the stay-at-home moms are making me feel like a terrible person and mother. Would I be selfish to do this or should I continue with my plans for a better income and career? -- GNAWING UNCERTAINTY IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR GNAWING UNCERTAINTY:

Here's some words of wisdom to always live by:

ALWAYS. BELIEVE. EVERYTHING. STAY-AT-HOME-MOMS. SAY.

These bitches have totally got it going on-- they're the smartest of the bunch. They sit at home or go out shopping on weekdays when stores are uncrowded and cavalierly watch the circus go by, doing stomach-crunches, ordering shit they don't need from Overstock.com, and eating 100-calorie packs of Oreos while their brain-be'numbed children are shackled to Big Bird's teat. All the while, they're content to let their husbands sweat under the corporate fire and then, when their overworked, stressed out, balding, perspiring, unattractive and impotent husbands have aneurysms and coronary combustions at age 48, they go all crazy on e-Cougar.

So, basically, if these women think you're a selfish whore, a terrible person and a mother, well, then you probably are. But I'll bet, with your cut-throat, all-or-nothing, fuck-the-consequences attitude, you'll make one hell of a lawyer.

Oh, and, P.S.-- I hope your husband isn't really named "Gil" because I sure as fuck wouldn't trust anyone named "Gil" with anything that came out of my body. Except a stool sample.

DEAR APRON:

A year ago, my boss was diagnosed with cancer. She had major surgery and a round of radiation therapy. Last week, her doctor discovered a mass, and after biopsy, she may be going in for more surgery.

I am finding it difficult to show much empathy for my boss. Despite having had the disease she continues to live an unhealthy lifestyle. She still smokes, has a couple of drinks a day and eats a lot of red meat. I don't drink or smoke and I'm a vegetarian, so I can't understand why a person would risk her health by doing these things.

We have received several newsletters at work from our insurance provider on how to prevent cancer, but she hasn't taken any of the advice. Apron, it's not like I have come right out and said, "It's your own fault," but it's frustrating to listen to her problems when she won't try to live a healthy lifestyle. She's generally whiny to begin with, and now she seems to want everyone to feel sorry for her.

What do I need to do to be more sympathetic? -- TRYING IN TEMPE

DEAR HOT, STEAMING FUCKHOLE. IN TEMPE:

What do you need to do to be more sympathetic? Hmm. I don't really know. Have you considered obtaining a lobotomy?

Did you ever stop to think that maybe her cancer has nothing to do with her lifestyle? Lots of people get cancer, sweet-pea, even holier-than-thou vegetarian, teetotaler, no spittin', no cussin' ice-skatin' on water virgins like you. Maybe she has anal cancer. Or thyroid cancer. Or brain cancer. You have no idea, and you continue to judge her anyway, because you're a fucking whore and nothing, short of a lobotomy, can change that.

Actually, forget the lobotomy-- it probably wouldn't be covered by your insurance anyway (although you could consult those handy newsletters from your work insurance provider that you're obviously so fond of reading to check and see) what I think you really need to make you more sympathetic is: CANCER.

Maybe, if you got cancer yourself, you'd know what it feels like to be suffering from a wasting disease, waking up every day fearing that it will be your last, enduring a treatment that is poison, and, if that's not bad enough, moving through a painful, lonely, petrifying existence where there are people around you who are actually ignorant enough to question the choices you make and have the temerity to suggest that you somehow deserve your disease.

DEAR APRON:

Is there anything wrong with having a lover solely for the purpose of sex? He is grieving for his late wife (my best friend), and I am separated from my husband. We're both lonely and have supported each other through our pain. A few weeks ago we decided to become lovers.

We both have our eyes open, and we don't expect anything out of this except a friendship with benefits. I am satisfying his needs, and he is making me remember the woman I used to be before I was emotionally beaten down by my husband.

I see myself as enjoying the best of both worlds: I'm finding myself again, and I don't have to answer to anyone but me. So, Apron, what do you think? I guess I'm looking for some validation for our selfishness. -- FRIEND WITH BENEFITS

DEAR FRIENDS WITH BENNIES:

The only thing wrong with it is that you're doing it with your "eyes open." From the tone of your letter, it sounds like you're both easily into your late forties or early fifties, and that's just nasty. Close your eyes and picture someone else whose midsection doesn't resemble some small town's carnival entry for "World's Largest Bundt Cake."

Happy Thanksgiving, you fucking losers.