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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Poor Sport

A certain Philadelphia sports team has been in the news quite a bit recently. Yes, the hit-ball-with-stick people. But thank goodness that's all over and done with, and now we can turn our attention to the throw/catch-ball-slam-into-eachother-at-high-rate-of-speed people.

And, no, I'm not talking about the Eagles.

I'm talking about the Passion.

Yes, for those of you who are not in the know, there's a new pigskin team in town, and they're certainly showing a lot of skin of the human variety. The Philadelphia Passion, created this year, is one of the newest members of the "Lingerie Football League" (I'm not kidding) and this team is a squad of "professional indoor football" players.

Here's a picture of their uniforms:

Good thing she's wearing that wrist-guard, right?

Since the team has started playing, they've won one and lost one, but that's not really relevant, is it? I can't imagine that people are attending these games because they care about the score. Just like people don't attend the Miss America pageant because they care about the contestants' answers to questions about vital social issues. Right, Carrie Prejean? I was highly entertained by one picture of four Philadelphia Passion players (that I wasn't allowed to copy, damnit) holding their hands over their, um, hearts during the National Anthem, and they're standing right in front of the first row of the crowd. One guy in the crowd is clearly craning his neck to look down one of the player's cleav, and, two fans over, another guy is staring straight at another one's ass.

God Breast Assmerica.

Now, before everybody gets mad at me (this happens sometimes) I'm not against women playing professional sports. In fact, there's a piece of me that thinks there shouldn't even be gender-segregated teams: if you're a woman and you're tough enough to play football-- get your ass in there with the men and have at it. I do think, though, that if women are to be taken seriously in athletics, that a "Lingerie Football League" is not the way to go. I can't think of anything more embarrassing or degrading to a woman than going out to play football in a ridiculous get-up that would look more appropriate on a go-go dancer or a streetwalker celebrating St. Patrick's Day.

I have no doubt that these women are real athletes who could tear my shit up in a matter of milliseconds, but the question is, are they being treated that way by the exhibitionist nature of the "sport" in which they are engaged? When I heard of the formation of a "Lingerie League" I thought to myself, "Is this really 2009? I mean, really? Are we still engaged in the practice of essentially mocking women and at the same time pretending to idolize them and revere them for their "talents" at giving us hardons-- I mean, "scoring touchdowns?"

Seriously-- I'm no prude, but this whole thing is kind of stupid.

And maybe that's the hypocritical nature of sports, and the gender double-standard. Maybe women sports fans have been getting gooey in the pants over Shane Victorino's tushie (they certainly aren't doing it over his nose) and they've been lustily oogling John Elway's package since the 1980s. I don't know. I'm not a woman, and I had to Wikipedia John Elway just to make sure he was actually a football player who played in the 1980s so I wouldn't look completely stupid.

Here's what I don't really understand: if women want a professional football league, why can't they just wear the same uniforms that the men wear? Women athletes shouldn't have to concern themselves with waxing their bikini line before a football game because they don't want their muff-stub showing on the Jumbotron. The whole concept of a Lingerie League kind of sullies the word "professional," doesn't it? Unless, of course, you're using the word "professional" as a euphamism for "prostitute," as in, "She's a professional." Because, really, that's what these women are. We're paying them to watch them bend over and wrastle each other to the ground and fall all over each other and slap each others' scantily-clad asses so we can get our rocks off.

Really, they should be called The Philadelphia Pros.

Women have definitely made strides in this country, but sometimes there's a cost. What would the suffragettes have said if they were allowed the right to vote, but were told they could only do so if they showed up at polling places half-naked and that three dozen photographers would be there to record the event for posterity? Kind of a hollow victory, no? Apparently, if you're a woman in the Philadelphia area and you want to play pro football, you can go right ahead and try out for the team.

Just leave your clothes, and your dignity, in the end-zone.


  1. Oh my god, I could make so many "A League of Their Own" references right now.
    It's totally the same situation.

    This country disgusts me sometimes.

  2. Wow. That's... well... amazing. No, I'm not talking about the half naked wrist-guard wearing Passions, but about your writing. I don't know you, but I hope you're doing bigger and better things with your writing as well as this great blog. Are you?

  3. Karina--

    Sadly, no. I'm open to suggestions, though, and grateful for your compliment.

  4. I went to school with Angela James. She was an outstanding hockey player.. referred to as "The Wayne Gretzky" of women's hockey.
    My old neighbourhood renamed the local arena after her this past summer.She played hockey as a kid there and I think either she or someone speaking for her said if she were a man they would have had a steak dinner. (They had hotdogs for the local kids in the neighbourhood). Its women like her that probably made it better for little girls to get on mixed teams or have their own teams. Check her out on google!
    This football team just put women back so much.

  5. No? What do you mean no! Please tell me you have several novels already written and sent in to different people who deal with this stuff. Please tell me you are working on several other wonderful projects that include your writing. I wish I was an agent - I'd pick you up and put you in my pocket this very minute.

  6. And by the way, Sir, why do you not have an RSS feed? Or, if I need glasses, please direct me to it...

    Thank you kindly.

  7. and the women's rights movement gets set back another 20 years!

  8. God Breast Assmerica? Really? :P


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