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Monday, November 30, 2009


I like to know what's going on.

It helps to know what's going on when you ask the question, "What the fuck is going on?"

And I ask that question. Frequently.

I ask that question because events in the world baffle me. They confuse me. They annoy me. They are, more often than not, beyond me. There's been a good number of crazy, stupid, frightening and unfortunate events in the news in recent days, and I've been conspicuously silent about many of them, because, well, I've needed to blog about cars and undershirts.

You know how it is.

But I love commenting on world or national or local events. The kind of writing I love to do, second only to blogging, is editorial writing after all. So, let's look at the week that was, and see what we think of that.

The Party-Crashers

As I'm sure you've heard, some aging turd and his blonde wifelette faked their way into a state dinner at the White House and got photographed shaking Obama's hand and checking out Mrs. First Lady's much-lauded biceps. No, they weren't invited, and, no, they weren't supposed to be there-- but there they were. They even got formally announced, like in that old Saturday Night Live sketch ("Presenting My Lord & Lady Douche-Bag!") Apparently, the bitch-in-question wanted to flaunt her exhibitionism even further by showing up in a fire-engine-red sari. Lots of questions have been raised about what should be done with these people-- should they face criminal charges for this security breach or should it be treated as a harmless incident and chalk the whole thing up to necessary Secret Service training revisions.

My advice? Execute them.

Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods wrapped his 2009 Cadillac Escalade around a neighbor's tree at around 2 o'clock in the morning, a time when megasuperstar athletes typically discover that they're out of 2% milk and need to visit the local Circle-K. My question isn't whether or not Woods was drunk, or stoned, or had just had a fight with his wife or his Pomeranian, or whether there's a police coverup or legal consipracy or public relations spin.

My question is: what the fuck was that dude doing driving a Cadillac? Isn't he Buick's bitch? I mean, I realize that Cadillac & Buick both belong to the General-- but still-- where's the loyalty? Where's the love? Tiger-- you fucked up.

Black Friday

(No, I'm not still on about Tiger Woods.)

Walmart opened early. Kohls and Old Navy were both open at 3 o'clock. Best Buy was probably never not open-- who can keep track? In the words of my wife, "They're all just a bunch of filthy disgusting hookers anyway."

Nevertheless, people pounded down the doors for the newest Wii Fit and G.I. Joe-- PTSD American Hero, and Assrapeme Elmo to shove down their kids' throats this Christmas. Nevermind that we're in a recession and unemployment is at 98.7%-- where's my new iPhone, mom, you out-of-work bitch?


Thank God the media finally has a secular holiday on which to report. I hate the awkward, uninformed way newscasters report on Jewish holidays, in their inept, bumbling fashion.

"Jews everywhere wail at the Passover plate in celebration of 10 days of Chaeynakippccchhccchveroshasteinberg. This festival of light and money honors the time when Jews split the sky and ate the tablets of despair. They wear a loincloth of... um... cloth and grow beards for several days in this beautiful, pagan ceremony."

A Hometown Massacre

Not to end on a total downer, but, as hard as it is to believe, there was actually real news this week. On Sunday morning, four Lakewood, Washington police officers were sitting in a cafe, using their laptops, catching up on paperwork and easing into their caffeine buzz when a gunman entered the cafe and shot them all to death. 3 officers, 1 sergeant -- 3 men, one woman, all assassinated because of the little piece of metal on their chests.

And today, as you remember your family meal and your good feelings from the holiday, as you return to your regular life, give one extra thanks for those four cops who won't be returning to theirs.

And that's the news, diverse and silly and stupid, and sad, from My Masonic Apron.


  1. wait, someone ran over michelle's biceps with a red cadillac?

    i need more coffee.

  2. Every time CNN sends me a "breaking news" e-mail, I say WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?

    Seriously, I want out of this handbasket before we hit the Styx.

  3. But Tiger CRASHED the Caddy. So it's obviously a PR stunt for Buick.


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