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"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Monday, November 9, 2009

Some Random Thoughts (Because I'm Snarky & Random!)

Some mornings, it's just too difficult to write cogent, cohesive content.

You know how it is.

* On there is a discussion topic that asks the question: "Should you all move to Canada?" The answer, of course, is "NO!" This is like saying, "Earth blows-- let's all move to Saturn and play bumper-cars on the rings." Also, if we all moved to Canada, then it would just be filled with gun-toting, burger-scarfing, reality-TV-loving, fucking annoying Americans-- so how would that improve things for anyone?

* I was very surprised this morning to see that "The Today Show's" first piece was on Hurricane Ida. What the hell happened to "if it bleeds, it leads." Shouldn't they still be mercilessly obsessing over the Fort Hood massacre and making unsubstantiated assumptions about the suspect? Oh, wait-- that was story two.

* Speaking of "The Today Show," when are the people standing outside there screaming every morning going to look at themselves in the mirror and realize how mental they are? Jesus-- I know you're all unemployed, but you could at least be at Starbucks sponging off their free internet going on or something. I mean, Christ, at least pretend, people.

* The guy who drives the black Passat wagon and always parks it the wrong way on our street got taken away in an ambulance yesterday. He's always freaking out, screaming at his kids and his dog, so it's no wonder that he popped a gasket. The paramedics walked him out to the truck, because they're lazy motherfuckers. I just shook my head and smiled. "Always put patients on the goddamn stretcher," my EMS instructor said to us back in the day, "I don't care how fucking ugly or fat they are. Never walk a patient to an ambulance-- it just looks bad."

And it did.

* My coffee tastes like Windex. I know it's economical and wise to make coffee at home, but God, does it have to taste so bad?

* I listen to the same Pandora radio station every day at work. It plays the same thirty-or-so songs over and over and over again. Does this mean I have Asperger's Syndrome?

* Isn't it funny that listening to the news on NPR makes you a pretentious liberal snob in certain peoples' eyes, and watching FOX News makes you an inspid conservative maniac in other peoples' eyes? Aren't both types better than the assholes who don't listen to the news at all? Oh, wait-- there's always the people who get their news from "The Daily Show." They're the REAL smart ones.

* Is David Hasselhoff human?

* If you've ever actually peed in your pants from fear, or while reading a post on this blog, drop me an email. Let's talk.

* Why don't the Jews have an equivalent of crossing yourself like those kooky Catholics do? I've always thought we could, like, make a Star of David on our chests, but, when I try it, I always get lost in how many lines I'm supposed to draw. I mean, it's just two triangles, but try drawing it on your chest with your fingers-- it's pretty fucking involved.

* Is it possible for a funny person to one day just be not funny anymore? I mean, besides David Letterman. Let's face it-- the only thing that was ever funny about this guy was his dentition.

* Will there ever be another famous person named "Buzz?"

* If you're a woman and you had a dildo within your grasp as a burglar entered your room at night, would you attack him with it?

* Just out of curiosity-- if I put a "DONATE" button on my blog, would you, like, give me money and shit?

* During a business meeting, have you ever wanted to run up to the guy in the shirt-and-tie combo giving the PowerPoint presentation and just, like, I don't know-- jump on his back and start riding him around the room like he's a donkey and you're Juan Valdez?

* I used to think that only teenage boys got aroused and random, socially-inappropriate times. But I still do. So, look out everyone.

* I wish I wasn't an artistically-frustrated, money-loving Jewish asthmatic with scoliosis and bad vision. It's so cliche.

* My sideburns are out of control. There should be government intervention or, at least, a sitcom.

* My dog fell down the stairs last night. He's fine, though. It was just dark. Right?

* Why are there always "Free Mumia," "Free Rogers Lacaze," "Free the NY3," "Free Assata Shakur," "Free Leonard Peltier," "Free-So-and-So" websites for convicted cop-killers but there aren't any websites advocating for the release of convicted killers of regular people?

* Why do old ladies love cats, lace doilies, wallpaper, and wingback chairs?

* I love using my debit card. I hate writing checks.

* Every now and then, the fact that I have to be anonymous on this blog annoys the shit out of me. Even more than writing checks does.

* I should be outside raking leaves right now, but I'd rather drink a gallon of Drano and run myself over with the PT Cruiser.

* I don't mind that I'm starting to go gray. I do mind that I'm starting to go gray and that I still get zits, though. Pick one, Jesus.

* I respect Job, but I don't think we could have been friends if we met in high school.

* This list is too goddamn long. Do you people actually read this shit?

* If you TASED a child on Halloween, say "HEY!"


  1. I have peed myself in fear, I would attack a burglar with a dildo, and I would not donate money to you. I'm stingy.

  2. Right, here is your reply comment.

    Very much enjoyed your observations, and I believe you should create the Jewish equivalent of the Catholic cross. I was raised catholic, but when you get a bit older, it looks odd.

    Secondly, England and Ireland are two different places, and hallowe'en is spelt like that if you want it to.

    Hope the week makes you happier NNN

  3. You should invest in a french press. I swear it makes even the cheap crap they try to pass off as coffee taste good.

    I get my news from Yahoo. I don't even want to think about how much that lowers my intelligence.

    I wouldn't even hesitate, beating a man with an object that resembled his own genitalia sounds all too satisfactory.

  4. Oooh, we had the French press. I bought that for Mr. Apron early in our courtship, and we kept it even after we received a proper drip coffee pot for our wedding, because it took up less counter space. One day he admitted to me that he just didn't like the coffee it made. So we dug this thing out. I'm starting to think he just doesn't like coffee.

    Maybe we can do a double-blind test where I bring in some Dunkin' Donuts and some Starbucks, and make some French press and some drip coffee, and stick it all in 4 different cups with identical amounts of sugar and milk, and see if he actually likes any of it, or if it's just an excuse for something to blog about...

  5. Is it weird that I read the whole list and then felt guilty for it at the end when you asked if anyone ever reads that stuff?

    As for famous people called Buzz, are the kids who were born after Toy Story old enough to have kids of their own yet?

    Oh, and Woody Allen isn't funny any more, either.

  6. Mrs. Apron-- I'll deal with you when I get home tonight. Saucebox.

    Jay-- trust me, nobody whose parents named them after a character in a Disney Pixar movie is ever going to be famous. Not for anything good anyway.

    And, it is with a heavy heart and dark countenance that I have to admit that you're right about Woody.

  7. Also, I don't know if you want to hear this, but you don't do a very good job of being anonymous -- it took me one google search to find pictures of you with your name, just going by information you have given in previous posts.

  8. Jay-- you're right. I don't want to hear that. Bad boy.

  9. What type of coffee grounds are you using? The only acceptable answers are Folger's Colombian Blend or Dunkin' Donuts.

    Maybe you're just a coffee snob. I'm a chocolate snob, I only eat regular chocolate candy when I'm on the rag. Otherwise, it's nothing but expensive truffles and dark chocolate for me, preferably of European origination or high quality locally made.

    I think you're a coffee priss.

    Oh, and HEY! ;)

  10. I have in fact want to, in the middle of a business meeting wanted to get up and choke the living shit out of the presenter. DUDE! You could've shortened that presentation to five freaking minutes. You said the same shit 15 different ways!


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