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Friday, November 20, 2009

This is Stupid

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for a list of things that are stupid.

* Girls, take off your big sunglasses. They looked good on Sophia Loren but, for some reason, when combined with tight white t-shirts, skinny jeans, Uggs and long hair, they look stupid.

* Boys of a similar vintage-- get a haircut. Your Dukes of Hazzard-era wannabeeflowbee bullshit hairstyles look ridiculous and stupid. Males should not engage in the act of brushing hair away from their faces. Ever.

* The Smart Fortwo. It looks like a sneaker, and it looks stupid. And only one of the parts of its name is true.

* Sarah Palin: you are stupid. And, in the words of my 61-year-old Israeli mechanic, you "would have made a good prostitute."

* My sideburns. They didn't look stupid in the 1880s, but, now, they do. Fortunately, once Pirates closes, the sideburns will meet a hasty death at the bathroom sink. At least I'm not under the delusion that trends of a bygone era still look good today-- you know, like the girls with big sunglasses.

* Professional journals are definitely stupid. They are printed to justify outlandish membership fees, they clutter up the houses of educated, professional people, and nobody reads them. Except stupid people.

* "The Today Show" is easily the stupidest show I watch with any regularity. And I watch "Project Runway."

* Waiting periods for handguns as a measure to prevent people from going out and killing each other are stupid. If some motherfucker wants to kill you, do you really think he's going to be bummed out enough by a six-day waiting period to abort his plans to end your miserable existence? No. And, if he's that impatient, he'll go to any number of illegal gun sellers in Philadelphia who operate out of their car trunks or neighborhood ice cream trucks.

* Advertising in newspapers is very stupid. You might as well put a sticker with your company's logo inside your neighbor's basement toilet bowl.

* The Two Party System is stupid. This is America, Goddamnit, and, if you're filthy-rich, you should have a legitimate shot at the presidency even if you're not a Republican or a Democrat.

* Dialogue in pornos is pretty stupid and, frankly, embarrassing. Nothing makes me lose my erection faster than hearing a half-retarded himbo utter some pathetic, cheesemo line in a porno like, "I thought I was here to fix your plumbing, not your love life." Please. Leave the talkie-talkie to David Mamet and Merchant-Ivory.

* I've always thought that lines were stupid. Shouldn't we all be first?

* I kind of think report cards are stupid. My mother recently showed me one of my 1st grade report cards. Apparently, Mr. Barrett, "thoroughly enjoyed my creative writing." I mean, really?

* People who don't read this blog are obviously stupid. We humble few, the members of the My Masonic Apron fold, are the enlightened elite, although most of us are probably psychologically maladjusted.

* Teachers who sleep with their students are pretty goddamn stupid. I mean, Jesus-- get a grip, people. And preferably not a grip on your students' hee-haws.

* The speed limit, whatever the hell it is, is stupid.

* Your boss is stupid. In fact, he's a fucking stinky stupid-head. And you can go right ahead and tell him I said that. Right after you're done reading this blog. At work.

* Bra-closures are stupid. I mean-- come on. Life's hard enough, isn't it?

* Christmas is stupid. Sorry, Jesus Claus.

* Prosciutto and cheese balls/rods are stupid, but I'd eat it anyway.

* People who change lanes on bridges and in tunnels are stupid, and they're totally asking for it.

* My dog is stupid, and his tussie-hole smells. But I love that bastard.


  1. Report cards may be stupid, but it seems that Mr. Barrett recognised your talent. Or he just wanted to get a grip on your hee-haws.

  2. how come prosciutto and cheese is stupid? would it be less stupid if they were encased in a hot cherry pepper?

  3. Can't agree more about the dudes who need to cut their hair. When I see guys whose bangs were coiffed sideways so they can still see, with little success, it just turns me off because I know they spent more time on their hair than I did. Oh, and it's ugly.

    Word on the "Today Show," too, and just about any inane television news programming.

  4. Big glasses are definitely stupid, however Professional Journals are not. We have a few, and we read them, and we rather like them. However, speed limit is ridiculous, which is why I'm in Georgia. Well, okay, maybe that's not why, but here you can drive however fast you want really, there are no rules. Drive slow however and the police might cut your head off - they drive around with these microphones and tell you to get the fuck out of their way if you're driving too slow. Oh, how they protect their citizens ever so lovingly.

  5. Jay--

    That never happened. At least, unless I've successfully repressed the memory.

  6. I had a heated argument with a friend the other night because he said Sarah Palin was really smart. It may have ruined our friendship entirely.

  7. From one psychologically maladjusted individual to another...
    Maybe you should stop smelling your dog's tussie-hole.

    But I agree. Those giant sunglasses are stupid, and make women look like insects. Or Paris Hilton. Not sure which one is worse...

  8. @Lily, Paris Hilton is worse.

    I like stupid posts!


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